Make Plans for the Next Victory

"Now therefore, give me this mountain of which the Lord spoke in that day"
(Joshua 14:12, NKJV)

In the Bible, Caleb helped lead the people of Israel into their Promised Land. But I love that Caleb didn't just stop there. When he was 80 years old, he said, "God, give me another mountain." He was saying, "God, give me something else to do. Give me another assignment." Notice, he was planning on living out his life in victory. He could have said, "God, just let me retire. Man, my back's hurting. I can hardly see anymore. Medicare wouldn't pay that latest prescription. I'm so aggravated." No, he was strong. He was energetic; he was ready for the next challenge.

Friend, no matter how old or how young you are, God has another assignment for you. You wouldn't be here if God didn't have a purpose for you. I believe that this next year is going to be your best ever. Make plans for the next victory. Make plans to increase in influence, abundance, and favor. Choose today to live full of joy, peace, strength, and health; and take a step of faith into the life of victory He has in store for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
"Father in heaven, thank You for creating me and giving my life purpose.

Help me discover the gifts and talents You've placed within me so that I can use them to Your glory and move forward into the life of victory You have prepared for me. In Jesus' Name, Amen."

And so it is....

Well my follow up appt went ok. :( I mean it sucked not seeing my little bean growing in there, but it made things 'real' for us. Too real :( I was pretty strong until all the kind nurses and staff starting hugging me in the hallway. I lost it abit there. But the ones that were there today are my fav's. Very nice ladies. So onwards to another try. We even talked to the RE about donor eggs, but I'm not ready yet. I feel I have to have a good one in there somewhere. Maybe 2010 will bring me my 'golden egg'

I convinced the RE to prescribe DHEA for me (25mg's 3 times a day) I'll be starting those as soon as I get them in the mail. They're pretty expensive ($100 for a month supply) but I'll try anything if it might help. They like to see you take them for 3 months, but the RE recommended I don't wait that long to try again as I'll be 43 in Feb and time is of the essence as always. So I think we'll be doing another IVF round in late Feb or March. I can't believe I'm saying 'another round' again. I really thought this was my little miracle sticky bean this time. It's all so hard.

God Bless.

Empty Womb

My Dr's appt this morning will surely be a reminder and 'reality' of my baby no longer being with us. After my phone call to them on Monday, they still wanted to keep my 'original' appt even though I had gone to the ER Saturday night and miscarried everything, as that Dr said. But I can understand though, they need to check me out and make sure. I know this appt will be a vision of sadness & hurtful feelings with start all over again, but I need to look forward. Even if it's too soon to even think of anything but my loss, I know I need to for my sanity and NOT feel that this is the end. Since Sunday I've been trying to make myself feel somewhat better in saying that there was indeed something wrong with my precious angel. That he/she was lacking some kind of genetic in order to grow strong and healthy. It don't really make me feel better deep down inside my heart & soul, but on the surface of things (infront of people) it does make it 'sting' a bit less.

So on that note, I leave for a wonderful 2 hour trip to the Dr's for what will be a sad day, but also a day to reflect again where we've been, how far we've come and where we will go again soon & try for another MIRACLE.

FAITH, HOPE & PRAYERS.


TODAYS WORD

Sometimes, people get distracted by what they consider to be a disadvantage or weakness in their lives. It may be something about their personality or looks that they don't like. Or maybe they've been through an unfair situation: a divorce, a bad business deal, or a bad break. We all have things that can feel like disadvantages; things that make it harder on us. It may even be a physical handicap where you can't get around like you used to.

But just because you have a "disadvantage," just because you've been through a tough time, doesn't mean you're supposed to sit back and settle where you are. God still has something great for you to do! He wants to show Himself strong in and through you. The Holy Spirit wants to help you when you feel weak. If you will stay in faith and not get negative toward yourself or your future, then God can take what you think is a liability and turn it into an asset. What you think is a disadvantage God will turn around to be an advantage so you can move forward into the abundant life He has for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
"Father in heaven, today I give You all that I am. I invite You into the weak places in my life so that You can turn them into strengths. Thank You for working in my life and filling me with faith and expectancy. In Jesus' Name, Amen."


God Bless.

It's going to be a process....

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

I'm Sad, Lost, Empty to name a few.....oh yes, can't forget ANGRY. I guess it's a process...

I'm just so tired, emotionally and mentally. I guess my Dr was right about my eggs. Yes, I produce many still at my age. Yes, I made they made it to blast this time, which was a shock. Yes, most of my eggs generally look of great quality, but it doesn't mean they are.

I keep thinking about my baby. I keep having to tell myself that there was something wrong chromosonally (sp?) with him/her and that's why it didn't make it. I told Tom a few minutes ago on the phone that I really miss having a baby inside me. I felt so much love and happiness, but I will say that the bleeding day in and day out took it's toll on me. I was stressed. I was sick of hearing how 'normal' it is to bleed. I hated it. I want none of that next time. If there is a next time. I can't even wrap my mind around it, but I know if I want a baby I'm going to have to.

I'm still bleeding pretty heavy. Cramping and lower back pains still. I guess AF like symptoms even though I know they're not. They're from my baby being gone and my uterus shedding all that's left behind.

It's a hard day today. I called my clinic. Finally got up the nerve to let them know I m/c on Saturday and went to the ER. My nurse said to bring the paperwork on Wednesday. They'll still want to do an u/s to make sure everything is ok. I hope they don't want to do a D & C on me. I wouldn't think so knowing I passed everything. for that. Couldn't bare to go through anything else 'down there' right now. I think that will be what brakes the 'camels back' if they do.

I'm back at work today. I pulled in the parking lot this morning and started balling my eyes out. Sat in my truck for about 5-10mins just crying and thinking that the last time I was here I was pg. It just breaks my heart so much.

Sad news....

I miscarried today. It will be a Christmas to remember, but not in a good way. I am gutted. Went to the ER last night because I had been cramping with lower back pains all afternoon and started passing large blood clots. I kept taking them out and examinating them (TMI) to see if there were kind of tissue in it. I did come across one that I thought had the sac lining in it, but wasn't sure. But after our ER visit, I'm now sure it was. The ER Dr said the baby died about 2 days ago, that would of been the day my RE did our second ultrasound (Christmas Eve) and said the baby was measuring a week behind and the heartbeat was only 62. He didn't see this pregnancy going any further. I guess he wins for F'n Dr of the YEAR now that he was right huh??? >:( The ER Dr said that I had passed everything today because there was nothing left in my uterus. I take it I won't need a D & C. I'm so numb. Tom and I fought, too much stress, hurt and anger I guess. Don't know how to face the fact that this baby is gone.

Thanks for all the support and prayers.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

When Jesus came to the earth, He brought with Him everything you need to be empowered to live a life of victory. He came as a little baby, but He represented all authority in heaven and earth. When you choose to serve Him, you have access to all of His resources. You have access to His peace, power, authority, provision, joy, and strength. He brought all of this to us when He came to earth. Unto us a child is born…unto us victory is given. Unto us peace is given. Unto us provision is given. Unto us hope and healing are given. Unto us eternal life is given!

Whatever you need today, remember, when Jesus came into the world, He made a way for every one of your needs to be met spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Surrender your life to Him and receive all the spiritual blessings He has in store for you!



A PRAYER FOR TODAY
"Father in heaven, thank You for sending Your Son, Jesus so that I could be free to live an abundant life in You. Fill me with the revelation of Your love and everything that You have for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen."

God Bless.

Giving it UP to God. For only HE can change the outcome of our baby's future.

I know you have all been waiting. But I just got home and had to 'compose' myself before I posted. We are trying to be optimistic but my RE is feeling otherwise....so here it goes.






First off, here's our baby (we're in love already)


Now, at first the tech wasn't finding the heartbeat but thank God for her being so persistant she eventually found it as the RE was saying over and over how it wasn't looking good that there was no heartbeat and the baby was measuring a week or so behind. Tom had water in his eyes the hold time and I, well I can really say I just laid there, numb. But I kept watching the tech so desperately try and locate the heartbeat and all of a sudden she said "there's the heartbeat" and the RE said "yep, it sure is." She said it was only 62. So again, another depressing moment. My RE's demeanor during the whole visit was just that, depressing. But I guess when the numbers aren't 'just' to their likings they get that way, like it's over. He was already discussing D & C in the near future. Saying the baby is slow and that's not a good sign and that it's probably has chromosone (sp?) issues.

So Tom and I had a rough morning to say the least, but we are walking away from it with HOPE & PRAYERS till we see our baby again next Wed. We have to give it ALL to God in HOPES for our baby miracle to grow and to again prove my DR wrong with all his 'statistics'.

God Bless.

UPDATE again......

Well the bleeding and cramping have subsided. I got diahrea now though. I guess from all the stress. My appt is still set for tomorrow (12-24-09). The Dr called me and said "he's not throwing in the towel yet. Many beautiful babies have come from this sort of bleeding." He is concerned though, but he is again, Cautiously Optimistic because of Monday's sono. So today is a day of prayers. Every Hour I will pray to Our Lady of La Leche and say my Hail Mary's. I can only trust in God at this point. I have no one else to lay my hurt on that can change the outcome. With HIM all is possible.

God Bless.

Disturbing UPDATE

Well it's 1am and things have took a turn for the worst. I think I'm miscarrying. I had to put a big pad on. Heavy period cramping & lower back pains. Blood is flowing so heavy and I passed a huge blood clot. I'm really not feeling pg anymore. I am beyond crushed. I came downstairs because I can't stop crying and I just can't sleep.

I might be calling the dr and going in in the morning instead just to 'get this over with' instead of wondering for another day.

God, if there was anytime for a miracle this would be it for me. I really don't know what to do with myself at this point. My heart is breaking.....

WE SAW A SAC!

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile,but things have not been so well with me. Between the tiredness and scare with bleeding and cramping I had no energy or will to post. So with that said....today is a better day.

Let me go back....I was spotting/bleeding all weekend, well since the middle of the week with the spotting really, but more so bleeding over the weekend. I was told by many, even the nurse on Saturday when I called the clinic concerned about it that it is normal to spot/bleed with me being on Lovenox, Baby Aspirin & Endometrin vaginal suppositories as the inserts can irritate the cervix and then with both 'blood thinners' in my system, the bleeding is almost a given. But Sunday night I started having sever cramping, and I mean bad. I was so scared, I went to bed at 8pm to try and sleep it off. Well my wake Monday morning was nothing less that a panic! There was a flow of blood just like I was having my period. I was crying and unconsolable. I called the dr and went in immediately. I was preparing myself for the worst. The cramps intensified as we pulled into the clinic. My husband now says that it was because I had worked myself up so much that the cramping got heavier, but I knew there was something more than that happening.

We finally go in and the nurse set us up in the room. It was the longest wait ever!! I just prayed and prayed til the Dr came in. The first thing he said as soon as he walked in was "Now, blood does not always mean bad, let's see what we have here." My heart was racing and Tom (husband) was getting emotional I could tell in his eyes. Something he does not usually do. I guess we were both trying to prepare ourselves for what was about to be or not be on the monitor.

GOOD NEWS! We saw the sac! The Dr said he did see some blood in my uterus, but he didn't seem concerned though. So I never said or asked anything further, which maybe I should of but thought if it was something, he would of mentioned his concerns about it. He wasn't sure if he was seeing the fetus and hb yet so he chalked it up and said come back in as scheduled on Thursday morning and hopefully we'll see one clearly by then. He measured the sac and said I'm right on target for 6 weeks. So there was a positive. :)

Well there you have it! I'm really looking forward to Thursday now. I would lie to you if I said I'm not worried, but it's much less now that we saw something at least. The bleeding has lessened quite a bit. I'm still having some cramping but nothing like sunday night into monday. To tell you the truth I really think I had another baby in there that didn't stick and that's where all the cramping and bleeding came from. Vanishing twin as they call it??

Just my thoughts on it.


God Bless.

Please Pray for my baby...

I need prayers. I know my beta numbers are rising but I'm feeling lost tonight. I'm having to do another BETA tomorrow, per my Dr's request after Wednesday's results. It's been weighing heavy on my heart since and it's really making me worry that something is not going right. How can it not be though right? My numbers are going up, my symptoms (even though not as strong as they were) are still there.

And so I pray.....

O Lord Jesus Christ, through the intercession of Your tender Mother, Our Lady of La Leche, who bore You close to her heart during those long months before Your birth, I place my baby and myself entirely in Your Hands. Free me, I beseech You, from useless and consuming worry. Accept the sacrifice of my aches and pains, which I unite to Your sufferings on the Cross. Above all, most merciful and loving Jesus, protect this child You have given to me from all harm, bestowing the health and vigor every baby needs. Implant in my heart and on my lips the words and prayers of Your Mother and mine, our Lovely Lady of La Leche. All this I ask that my child and I may live to praise forever Your Holy Name.

Amen.

BETA IS IN!!!

Well everyone....I'm happy to announce that my Beta numbers are showing to be promising to say the least. God has certainly blessed me after all this time. I am feeling a bit numb at the fact that this is happening....'SURREAL' is a better word maybe?? Hmmmmm well with that said here at my numbers.

BETA #1 (12/7/09) 32

BETA #2 (12/11/09) 271

BETA #3 (12/14/09) 880

BETA #4 (12/16/09) 1441

BETA #5 (12/18/09) 2290

#2 was a doubling time of 31.15 hours

#3 was a doubling time of 42.37 hours

#4 was a doubling time of 67.46 hours

#5 was a doubling time of 71.83 hours



As Tracey said.......

Can I get an AMEN & HALLELUJAH!!!!


I will update Wednesday's BETA when I get it :D

It don't get any 'CLEARER' than this

GOD IS GOOD!!


**UPDATE**





(17DPO) WOW! Even on a cheap Dollar store test this morning! Thank you God!

I'll update my Beta number later today!

God Bless

CRYING TEARS OF JOY!!!!

WELL THE NEWS IS IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......................


I CAN FINALLY SAY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE..........................


I'M OFFICIALLY PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!


BETA 32!!!


Dear Jesus! Thank you!!! Thank you!! Thank you!! I love you!!!!!!

**CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC**

Well ladies....I HOPE THIS IS THE START OF A BEAUTIFUL BABY IN THE MAKING!!!!!! (picture isn't very good on here, but there's a faint test line. If you click on it, you can see it better)

I went to bed at 930 last night I was falling asleep with the pc mouse in my hand. lol. So at 1am I woke up so bloated and having to pee so badly that I couldn't just go back to sleep as sometimes we do. So I said well it's 1am I'm going to pee on a stick cause it's been since 9:30pm since I last pee'd. Maybe something will come up. So I took a Dollar Tree test (cheapie) and again didn't think I could see anything, which I couldn't. I had kept the cup before dumping it and thought....what the heck, I'm gonna break out a good test (First Response) and this is what came up (pic) in a minutes time!!!!!!!!!!!

My camera is not the best unless I take the stick outside in daylight. I was going to wait til tomorrow to try and get a better pic but I got this pic for you all to see.

I am scared, crying and happy all in one because of my last cycle and being very cautiously optimistic. It's 4:00am now and I can't sleep. My stomach was growling too, so I had to come down and eat something. I know I'll be tired later, but it's Sunday, I'll nap =)

I will tell you though. I'm not messing around this time. I'm calling my OB on Monday and telling them I want blood work done for Beta. This way I'll know I am pg. Friday's beta with the RE is waaaaay too long of a wait and I'm not doing it this time!

Please pray for my sticky bean.

xoxo

This 'Two Week Wait' is a KILLER!!!

Well the picture isn't lying about DESSERT either!!! I feel I've been eating everything under the sun these past few days. Infact, I'm HUNGRY right now as I type this post!!

I'm on edge, moody, stressed, 'OUT OF MY SKIN' feeling, just really having a rough go at it this time around. Then this site that I've been on for almost 2 yrs got hacked yesterday and is down indefinately and it just breaks my heart. I need my SUPPORT of so many women that I've gotten close to! WHAT A HELL OF A TWO WEEK WAIT!!

I'm so bloated and cramping. No symptoms at all like last IVF cycle. I've been testing everyday since Monday (morning urine) and I've kept them like 'ducks in a row' on a sheet of paper. I wanted to make sure that if I was blessed with a positive this time around I had my pee sticks to prove the 'trigger' is not the cause of it!!

Thanks everyone who keep me in their prayers! I feell the love everyday!

xox
God Bless.

3 BLASTS Tranferred!!!!

I must say, this transfer was the 'weirdest' ET or should I call it a BET ever this morning! A very confusing and actually disturbing transfer because of the 'whackiness' of it all. What I mean by this is (and it's hard to describe by typing it out)but I give it a whirl. lol

First the Dr smelled so badly (smoke breath)...DH thought he just stunk period!

Second he said I had 12 embryo's growing and now 6 stopped growing and I have 6 left. 2 that were blasts and 4 others growing with another one almost a blast.

Then with that said, the embryologist comes in and he checks with her. She gets the puzzled look on her face like she's still at 'last nights party' or something and shakes her head somewhat like 'that's not her diagnostic' or something and goes back into the lab to check. Comes back and says something different, but sort of the same. I looked at DH like "WTF is going on???". I said the the Dr and Embryologist, "I hope you both are going to give me my embryos to transfer!" I tried to sound like I was cool and joking about it but I wasn't. I was really annoyed at their unprofessionalism.

So anyway....she went back into the lab, came back and said "no Dr is right, I was looking at another patients chart." At this point I could feel my blood boiling! She did say that the third one had become a blast as well since this morning.

So ladies with all this confussion (which I still am) they transferred 3 blasts today. I supposably I have 2 embries still growing but they will keep them until tuesday and see if they are fit to freeze.

But I'm still so confused because the Dr started the whole thing with saying how I had 12 and then 6 stopped growing and I had 6 left and now they transferred 3 and he says I have 2 left. Well buddy, back when I went to school 3 + 2= 5!!!!! SO WTF??? Let me tell you, at this point I don't know what I have left. Both him and the spaz embryologist were whacko and really not on the same page from the start.

All I know is right now I have my 3 blast embryo's inside my uterus at this moment and I am very happy to say they are safe with me.

I was blessed to have 3 blasts and I will pray for whatever ones I have left growing in the lab, 2 or 3 if they can get their crap together to know how many!!! lol


God is good! I have Faith that this is it!! It's got to be!

5 DAY TRANSFER!!!!!

Well the Lord keeps blessing us this fine day! Like I would EVER doubt His blessings or not have the FAITH that He continuously places in my heart.

First, the nurse that called yesterday 'misread' my results, I had 10 embryos growing not 11.

As of this morning the embryologist pushed me to a DAY 5 TRANSFER!!!!! WOW! 1 embie out of the 10 has 20% fragmentation, all other 9 don't have any!! I guess this is why they want to go the 'distance' and make it a 5 day transfer.
I Hope & Pray most of them or ALL make it to blast. That would be so unbelievable. God is good and I have to believe He's brought me this far for a reason.

I'm still in utter shock over how all this is coming along.....no going to lie....I'm nervous too.

So with this said, I will KUAP. They'll be calling me back this afternoon with a time for Sunday!

Please keep my embies in your prayers, that they continue to grow and I may have some to freeze for maybe a future miracle too!

I know alot of you who read my blog don't have a clue as to the 'ins' and 'outs' of all this 3 day or 5 day transfer of embryo stuff, so just to give you a bit of help....here's a link for you to visit so that you can sort of understand the difference. There are good and bad about a 3 or 5 day transfer, but as you will see, a 5 day transfer withstands the most success if the embryo's make it to that stage.

http://www.inciid.org/printpage.php?cat=fertility101&id=411



God Bless.

xoxo
Lorrie

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
"Father in heaven, today I declare my thanks to You for all You have done in my life. Help me see Your hand of blessing as I continually acknowledge and praise Your name. Fill me with Your peace and joy as I keep You first place in all that I do. In Jesus' Name. Amen"

TODAY'S WORD
Gratitude is a powerful force in the life of the believer. No matter what may be happening in the world around you, you can always find something to thank God for. Having constant gratitude shows that you have faith in God because not only do you thank Him for what He has done in the past, you thank Him for what He will do in the future. It's that kind of faith that pleases God and causes Him to move on your behalf.

Constant gratitude also shows humility because when we are thankful, we magnify God instead of magnifying our problems. It gives us proper perspective and opens the door for God's grace, favor, and supernatural empowerment.

So what are you grateful for today? Are you grateful for the sun that shines and brings us a new day? Are you thankful for the gift of eternal life?As you choose an attitude of constant gratitude, you'll experience His mercy and lovingkindness in greater ways. You'll be filled with His peace and joy and be empowered to move forward into the abundant life He has prepared for you!

BLESSED by the good LORD!

Well I have the most exciting and SURPRISING news I can ever be 'Thankful' for.....

I got the call on my way home from the hotel about my results of the 12 eggies retrieved. well you won't believe this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


12 were retrieved
10 out of the 12 were mature
As of this morning when they checked.....

I now have 12 EMBRYO'S!!!!!

My jaw dropped as I was driving and DH was looking at me like "What?!! What?!!" I asked the nurse "how could this be if 10 were mature?" she said "well the other 2 matured during the night and fertilized as well."


Girls I did pray for this last night at the hotel. I asked God to bring them all to me today.....fertilized!! I really wanted to have the most chances this month of even having some to freeze. I will be Hoping & Praying for them all!! :D

IVF #3 is here!!

Sorry I haven't been posted in sometime, but there was really nothing going on besides my complaining. lol. The new shots (Lovenox) are really something to be desired to say the least, but again I must do what I must do.

Here's a recap of where I am. My E2(estrogen levels) were rising quite nicely all week. Slow but steady and as I've been told by many, at a great pace. Fast is not always good, especially when you're growing follicles. ;-) So I Hope & Pray that the Follistim (switch from always using Gonal-F) made the world of different with my little eggies. =)

11/16/09 E2 = 239
11/18/09 E2 = 529
11/20/09 E2 = 975
11/21/09 E2 = 1269

To tell you the truth, I was really hoping for another day of stims but they recommended we trigger last night as I had some pretty big follicles thus far and they didn't want to chance losing any of them (supposably) mature ones. So here I am triggered and all! Thanks to my husband who bravely took over that task! I was shocked that it ended up being HIM her gave it to me. My nurse friend had to work this morning at 5am so 11pm last night was kind of pushing it for her to do it for me. I understood. I was a nervous wreck and upset all the way around that I didn't have her to do it, but again, I UNDERSTOOD her situation. She's been so great for me all the other cycles.

Tom (husband) and I have decided to stay in a hotel tonight and tomorrow as well. We usually only stay up the road on the night of Egg Retrival but decided to get away after all for the 'extra' time away. We'll go out to dinner tonight and just chill in the room. We'll be 5 minutes away from the hospital, so tomorrow morning will be alot less stressful than driving in the traffic.

So there you have it! Please pray that this cycle (even though it has been very stressful and emotional for me) will turn out to be the 'ONE' I've been waiting for. The positive, sticky bean one!!

I'll KUAP!

God Bless.

XOX

Things are moving along....

Well folks, just a short update. Went for my 2nd ultrasound & bloodwork this morning. We now see a total of 11 follies, 5 were measurable. Nothing else really to report. I'll KUP :)

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

It's been 7 days.....I'd better update something!

Sorry everyone. Not much going on except the same process from last IVF cycle. I started Lupron on Wednesday and stims on Friday. I'm trying an 'all follistim' cycle and see if that will bring us a 'sticky' BFP. Follistim seems to have brought many women I know luck, if I dare to call it that.

Other than that, not much else is going on. Thought I'd pop on to at least let you know I'm alive!! lol. We do have our first ultra sound on Monday, but the first one after 4 days of stimming is kind of boring...you see some eggies coming along but it really gets interesting or more exciting on the second ultra sound. More action going on!! I'm still doing acupuncture twice a week. I'll be starting my added protocol this coming Wednesday (Dexamethasone & another injection called Lovenox). We'll see how that flies. Oh and I tried to take these herbs I had ordered to help with the implanting process but you have to take 12 capsules a day!! That's right, 12! :-0 Well, you can't say I didn't try. I took 6 (gaggin so badly, but did it) and it wasn't 10 mins later my stomach was hurting me so bad! So I tried calling the company but it went to a voicemail and I asked for a refund. I paid $250 for them....they should refund my money if I return them. I have yet to hear from them. I see how that's going to go!

Anyway, I felt after that ordeal I wasn't going to ADD anymore to my protocol, I take enough. Don't want to mess anything up. Taking too many things could be more harmeful and good. So I'll leave it alone.

So that's it! I'll KUAP on how MOnday's appointment goes. Come on FOLLISTIM!! DO your thing for me!!! =)

BCP's or Depression??

I think I'm losing it. Seriously. I've been so 'out of my skin' this past week with so much stress in my life that even my acupunturist said she can tell by looking at my tongue (as they all do before treatment). She said that I'd better try and calm down and/or get rid of what's or who's bothering me so much before we get any further into this cycle because IT WON'T WORK!!!! I already feel defeated and I haven't even started my IVF cycle yet, 'per say'.

I took a milder birth control pill this time around because last cycle I was even worse on the other kind. These moods and over-baring depressing feelings, always crying and freaking out, have just started about a week & 1/2 ago. I really hope I can shake it. Tomorrow (Sunday) is my last day on these God awful pills. I'll be starting Lupron on Wednesday. I go in on Monday first for my u/s and bloodwork to commence things. They just make sure everythings 'quiet' in there as the pill usually does. Then we'll be set to start stims (injections).

I keep praying for strength and trying to keep my Faith alive. It's hard after my loss last cycle. I want my little bean back so badly right now. I want to be pregnant and not have to do this again. But I know there's a reason for everything and I really do have to find that 'place' inside my heart to try again. I'm scared it won't ever turn out positive again. It pains my heart.

"Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive."

On your mark, get set....

Not that I like to put it in those terms, but I feel like a new race has started! It's by no means A RACE in any sense of the word. IVF is a time consuming, very expensive and emotional process. But here we are once again. Embarking on what I hope will be 'third times a charm' and FINALLY brings us our miracle. So here we go! Clinging to our Faith and Hope we start a new cycle.

I'm coming to the end of BCP (birth contol pills) on Sunday (happy beyond words about that!), I went for my Mock Transfer yesterday (it's where they place a catheder into the uterus and insert saline to make sure there are no adnormalties before starting the cycle)all was good! Next Wednesday, I will be starting Lupron and then stims on Friday, all injections. All just a week away! My estimated Egg Retreival and Egg Transfer is on Thanksgiving weekend. May I be as bold as to put a 'punt' there??? My loving RE changed my protocol. He is added 2 meds. One that helps with implantation and the other to sustain the pregnancy. I'm hoping and praying this makes all the world of difference this time around.

Turkey in the oven! LOL! I couldn't resist!

I hope you join me once again on this journey.

God Bless you all for taking the time to read my blog.

Needed Prayers.....

If you find the time, please read the story of my good friends 17 year old son Jordan. His story is nothing shy of courage, bravery & uplifting spirit even in his darkess hours which are upon him now. His father, Jay, has been his sons narrator of all Jordans' coming and goings with treatments and also sharing the sad and alot of times encouraging news for the past 2 years since he was diagnosed with cancer.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/JordanPaganelli%20


I prayed to God this morning. Do you know what I asked him??? I asked God to spare Jordan's life by taking just one of the souls that were lost through miscarriages and/or abortion. Was that wrong to ask that of Him? I am gutted for Laurie (his mother). I can't imagine her pain right now. Just waiting for him to die because there's no more they can do at the hospital. I didn't mean to pray that, it just came to me in prayer. It was stronger than my thoughts to try and not ask for such a thing in that manner.

God Bless you Jordan.

Today's Word

Many people today don't realize that the reason they're not happy, the reason they're not enjoying life is simply because they've trained their minds in the wrong direction. They've trained their mind to worry. They've trained their mind to complain. They've trained their mind to see the negative. But just as we can form these negative mindsets, we can retrain our minds and form positive mindsets.

One of the main keys to developing a positive attitude is to learn how to stay grateful. When you stay grateful, you are focusing on what's right rather than what's wrong. This doesn't happen automatically, you have to discipline yourself to focus on the positive. You have to make a conscious effort every single day until a good habit is formed.

Remember, when you live with an attitude of praise and thanksgiving, you are shielding yourself from the attacks of the enemy. The seeds of discouragement cannot take root in a grateful heart. Neither can bitterness, envy, or strife. When you have a grateful heart, you are strong. You are empowered, and you can confidently enjoy the good life He has prearranged for you!



A PRAYER FOR TODAY
"Father in heaven, today I surrender my thoughts and mind to You. Help me retrain my thoughts so that they are in line with Your will for my life. I choose to have a positive attitude of faith and expectancy and thank You for empowering me to enjoy the good life You have for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen."

Having a hard day....

I came across this page and wanted to share as I'm feeling really lost from one minute to the next.

It's called 'How to Walk in God's Peace' by Lisa Comes

Practical Steps You Can Take
As singles, couples, moms or dads, we all face the temptation to be anxious about circumstances, loved ones and the future. But the Bible teaches that we can walk in God’s supernatural peace because we are in Christ Jesus. Jesus Himself is our Peace. We can resist the temptation to give in to worry. We can choose, instead, to abide in God’s wonderful peace.

Peter the apostle wrote, "[Cast] the whole of your care–all you anxieties, all your worries, all you concerns, once and for all-on Him; for He cares for you affectionately, and cares about you watchfully." There are three truths we can glean out of this one verse:

God never intended for you to carry your own burdens.
He wants to carry them for you.

You have to do something when it comes to worry.
You have to cast worry off of yourself and trust God with your problems. It takes humility to say, God, I give this problem to You because You can take care of it much better that I can.

God You need to understand the Father’s loving care for you as His child.
Only then will you fully release the weight of each problem to Him. Worry, like other negative thoughts, is actually a thief-stealing our peace, energy, time and joy.

Many years ago, after a tragic situation, I was bombarded by negative thoughts almost 24 hours a day. But then I came to my senses and realized that I needed to take control of those thoughts. It seemed like such an impossibility at first, but I decided to do it one thought at a time.

Each time I had a negative thought, I pulled it down through prayer. I said, I pull that thought down, make it obedient to Jesus and refuse to dwell on it. I will believe what the Word of God says about me instead. I will come out of this situation in victory!

When I first started this, there was a storm in my mind constantly, but after a while, my mind became calmer. Every day it got better, until one day I realized that I was completely free in my thought life concerning that situation.

The same can be true for you. Determine today that you are not going to allow worry to control your life, but that you will believe God for His victory so that you can walk in His supernatural peace.

For the love of Friends

I've gotten some pretty nice emails, comments, etc from so many kind people who carry my sadness of this past cycle in their hearts for me. But I did want to share a post from a great friend of mine, well she's really my sister from another mother (no joke). It just touched me so much I really felt the need to share.

She said.....

I saw this quote..."Perseverance allows you to get back on track when you hit a detour."

I think that perserverance is the ability to keep going even in the face of continuous challenges. You my friend are the epitome of perserverance especially in my eyes. Even when life throws you the biggest of curve balls, you have this innate ability to get back on track and stay focused.

You are truly amazing. Sure, you could have given up when obstacles faced you, or used failure as a reason to quit, but you never, ever have. I admire you so.

I am hoping and praying with all my heart and soul that the detours you have been forced to take WILL inevitably get you to your goal. I just have to believe that will happen and that the Lord will see it happen for you.

I know that like me, you will not be satisfied until you attain what you want. And that means that no matter how many people tell you you're foolish to even try, your inner strength will counteract their negativity.

You have a spark within you...a spark that will not allow you to give up, a spark that will keep you going and trying and achieving your dream. All the while, I am glad to say that I will be one of those people helping to keep that flame alive.

Take some time to sulk...you are grieving and you are entitled to do so. In the meantime, just know how much I (and we) all love you!

I hope you don't mind I made this a post, Tracey, my dearest friend. I felt the need in these trying times for me to uplift my presence that I seem to come across to people and believe I can be strong again and do this again!

I got my BFP this past cycle!!! WOW!!! It's a huge accomplishment for me.....whether it didn't work out.....it has to be a sign that my body is gearing up for a pregnancy. I have to feel that in my heart and soul. My body never showed me this before right? So why not take a negative and make it a positive right? So that's what I'm going to do. I'm not fooling myself though. This cycle will be a challenge emotionally, but I will place all my Faith and prayers to God and Hope he finally answers.

Love ya girl!

God Bless.

L

Another try

Well I'm moving along, to say the least. Trying to gear up once again for another IVF cycle. I have my sad moments, especially when you get the looks & somewhat comments from some people around you that you should just 'get over it, 'it wasn't like you were pg that long' kind of thing.

I have my times of sulking, of course. I'm hoping to hear or speak to my Dr tomorrow but from my 'quick' conversation with my rude nurse on Friday I think she said he was going on vacation this coming week. So I'm not sure if I will get to talk to him. I know I need to let someone know that I will be starting my birth control tomorrow though, so I guess I won't have a choice but to call and speak to 'that' nurse again. I hope she has a more pleasant manner about her, even though that demeanor should of came with Friday's phone conversation. Oh well, what's done is done.

So as I said, I will be starting BCP (birth control pills) tomorrow (Monday) and be on that for 21 days. Once I get my new cycle in November I will be starting the whole process over with injections.

I am curious about one thing if I get the chance to speak with my Dr and that is will he take my positive 'pee sticks' as a positive conception? Or be like my nurse and disregard it with no feelings at all?? I think or should I say, KNOW, that finally becoming pregnant (a positive pregnancy test)after 15 years should account for there is a problem here. I've been telling him that I feel deep down in my soul and gut that I have an implanting problem. I hope he agrees and takes a different form of action so that I can finally have a successful pregnancy.

"Yes, I do Love God.
He is my source of existence and Savior.
He keeps me functioning each and everyday.
Without Him, I will be nothing.
Without him, I am nothing, but with Him I can
do all things through Christ that strengthens me."
(Phil 4:13)

*********************************************

Also, I wanted to post (or ask) anyone who reads my blog today, if you have any Follistim and/or Menopur from your cycle that you will not be using, if you wouldn't mind donating them to me. I would greatly appreciate it. I don't have med coverage.

Thanks, God Bless

Beta confirmed......Negative =(

Thanks everyone.

I will need time to regroup & work hard on regaining some strength to try again.

The hardest thing I had to do today beside (for myself) go for blood work knowing what the outcome would be was calling my Mom to let her know it didn't take. She's 82. She said she felt something wasn't going to turn out right because I was spotting. She had her 'mother's intuition'. She prepared herself for the worst. It was hard telling her because she was the FIRST person I called when I finally got a positive! I was so happy to tell her that her baby is finally going to have a baby.

I'm carrying alot of sadness for having told so many people so soon. I was just so happy to finally be at that moment in time. Sadly, I will not be doing that again. This loss has taken that away from me.

Thanks to all who follow my journey, post comments and keep me in their prayers. I know God hears them, I just don't know why things happen. But I keep reminding myself that there are far worse off than me in this world. So much more sadness than the loss I'm feeling. It don't make me feel better, but it's makes me realize not to dwell too long when there's HOPE to take hold of & move on and try again. But I do need to grieve and I will take some time to do so and find that inner peace again & prepare myself for another try.

God Bless.

xox

UPDATE - I know it's over......

Just a quick but sad update.....I started bleeding this evening. I know tomorrows Beta will not be bringing me good news.

Thanks for all the prayers and support to everyone.

God Bless.

Heart Crushed =(

I can't help but feel down and my heart being crushed with sadness today. You wanna talk about testing to a 'stark white' test this morning, I really and truly feel I've lost this pregnancy. I'm NOT trying to be negative, really I'm trying everything not to, but it's too strong of a feeling. I know I'm doing it to myself every morning by testing, but you know alot of women would do the same thing.
Now I'll share the pee sticks picture with you all, as I was keeping that 'obsession' this week to myself. Seeing how it's all gone 'down-hill' since my beautiful BFP (Big Fat Positive)4 days ago, you will have to agree whether the following ones were 'tweaked' or you can see a faint line. Realistically and honestly, things don't look good. This looks like what is called a 'Chemical Pregnancy'. It's where the egg never implants or barely, giving you a positive because your body starts producing the HCG hormone.



I really hope to be 'that woman who proves the pee sticks wrong' but I'm not so sure that I will be.

FAITH lies in Gods hands tomorrow for a positive outcome.

Got a SCARE!!!

Well from re-testing in the past few days and ending with very very faint positives to now having a spotting moment, I must say I'm so scared of this pregnancy ending before I can even get to my blood work.

The spotting was one time today and in the last 4-5 hours and having pee'd 3-4 times since then, there hasn't been anymore. Thank the Lord. I'm very scared though. I won't lie. I'm taking it easy tonight. I'm going to pop in the new movie 'The Proposal' and try to have a few laughs for a change this week. It has been a roller coaster ride for me to say the least.

Please keep me in your prayers. 2 more days and we will have confirmation if things are still as the I thought as of last Sunday.............PREGNANT!!

God Bless!
Lorrie

Last night was more than just PG sickness I think!

Rough night last night. All day from 3:30am yesterday morning I had the worst migraine I've had in a long, long time! It lingered all day, no meds would even touch it. Well it's not like I can take anything other than Tylenol, so that's a dead end road for me right there. I really think I had more than just 'pg nausea' and a 'pg headache'. I really think I had some kind of bug ontop of it all. (sorry TMI) But I threw up so much from 10pm to 3am last night that I really don't think it's all due to feeling nauseaed from being pregnant. Because once I ran to the bathroom for my last trip around 3am after that I could finally fall asleep without that nausea/aching urge anymore. I slept from 4am to about 6:30am on the couch. My headache is mostly gone, I still feel a slight reminder on my right temple where the killer was. I went in my bed this morning around 8am to 11am and just layed there with an ice pak and drank some water diluted with PowerAid on and off. My stomach was so empty and growling by 11am so I'm now making myself a little something to eat, well more like, going to force myself because I know I need something in my belly!!! Like Austin Powers (Fat Bastard) would say "GET IN MY BELLY!!!!" lol.

I'm going to limit my time on the computer today, don't want starring at a screen to bring back that awful headache again.

I'll be KUAP on any updates!

MY DAY HAS FINALLY COME!!!

IT'S POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!
on a pee stick that is! But I'll take it!)

I really never thought I'd ever get to this day. 15 years is such a long time to finally know what it's like to finally feel the ULTIMATE JOY of a BFP (BIG FAT POSITIVE)!!! Blood work to confirm pregnancy is this Friday, October 16th, 2009.

Thank you all for all your prayers and positive thoughts for me and my husband. The power of FAITH & PRAYERS is always the way.

Lorrie
xox

Holding on to my Dreams

Today’s Scripture
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”
(Hebrews 10:23 NIV)

At some point in life we all face hardships. It may be something physically or emotionally challenging. Or it may be a dream or an opportunity that we missed out on. Whatever your difficulty is, don’t let it discourage you from believing in God’s best. The enemy wants to keep you focused on everything negative that’s happened, but don’t let him steal the dreams God has given you. He knows that if he can deceive you into thinking things won’t get better, you’ll lose hope and give up.

There will always be obstacles trying to keep you from becoming all God’s created you to be, but God has given you a promise for good and not harm. He has plans for better things ahead. It’s important to believe God and keep an attitude of faith despite your circumstances.

Choose today to hold on to God’s promises no matter what your situation looks like. Refuse to give up on the plans He has made for your life. God knows what challenges you’ve faced, and He has a way to turn things around for your good. Start thanking and praising Him for what He’s already done and what He will do.

A Prayer for Today
“Heavenly Father, today I choose to believe in Your promises instead of what I see around me. I will not give up on the dreams You have given me because I know they will come true. Thank You for Your goodness and faithfulness. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.”

THE COUNTDOWN!

OUR BABIES!!!!

Here's a quick post! I wanted to share a photo of OUR babies! (above) I finally get to show ones of my own instead of finding some on photobucket. lol. We transferred all 5 today and they were of great quality! Don't think "omg! Is she crazy to have let her Dr transfer all of them??" LOL to let you know, at my age (42) the odds of even '1' attaching is 18% so hence the high transfer.

Please pray for us. We are much more relaxed this time around and know that we were blessed to even be able to try another IVF attempt. Now I'm off to the couch! Dr's orders!!! ;-)

That time is here!!!!

Yes folks! Tomorrow is our 3 day transfer! I will have my babies (embryo's) with me litterly!! They will be home where they belong nestled inside my uterus. Please pray for us!

God, my new RE is so nice. He just called me to tell me the update again (my nurse called originally this morning). I have 7 embies growing, one 2 cell, four (beautiful) 4 cells, one 5 cell & one 6 cell. He said that the 2 that are 5 and 6 cell are not his best choice because they aren't that healthy in terms of fragmintations. But he did say that the 2 cell and all 4 cells are beautiful. He wants to transfer all 5!! :omg: It scares me but I know at my age the chances of one sticking is hard enough as it is. He is just so sweet, the way he talks to me and his concerns and is so genuine. Very kind soul, you can tell he really cares.

He doesn't have to call me again tomorrow but he said he will in the morning to let me know how my embies are doing & what to expect when I come in the afternoon for my transfer. Like I said, he is very very nice. I'm so glad I switched RE's and nurse. What a total difference.

I'll KUAP and keep praying for my babies xox

LUCKY 7???

Sorry I've been MIA for a week. I was so tired and emotional that I couldn't find the energy to post. But here I am with some news.

After 10 days of injections and appointment after appointment we have finally arrived at 'that moment'! Sunday night I triggered and Tuesday morning had my egg retreival. They retreived 15 eggs! I was so excited and shocked at the outcome. Very proud though. Alot of women 1/2 my age sometimes don't produce that many. So needless to say the excitement came to a hault this morning when I got the call that only 7 of the 15 eggs were mature. But on a good note, all 7 were fertilized!! So I guess I can look at that as 100% success!

Now it's the waiting game. Tomorrow (Thursday) I should get another call in the morning with an update on how the 7 are doing. LUCKY 7 right?? Well all I know is it's out of my hands. I Hope and Pray that all 7 grow strong and make transfer and maybe have at least 3-4 to freeze. That would be such a blessing. Even though I already feel so blessed to have the chance to do another IVF.

Please pray for my embryo's to be strong and grow to one day give me the miracle I've been longing for for so long. I will be continuing acupuncture as well to help with the implanting process. I promise to keep you updated in the days to come.

Short update

Went in today for my first ultra sound and blood work since I started injections last Wednesday. The first appointment is always kind of boring to us because it's a quick look at how many follicles you have growing but still not a definate of what's going to be the final count. So it was approx 15 eggs that were seen this morning. I was shocked that I had so many! Last IVF in April I remember our first appointment we had 11 and they ended up retreiving 10. So maybe this will be the case once again and we might get a few more. :-)

I continue the same protocol as I've been doing and I go back on Wednesday to see how things are coming along.

I'll KUP!

L

Remembering Patrick Swayze.

I just wanted to post this pic and say a little something in loving memory of Patrick Swayze.

I was a huge fan of his from way back when I was in High School. I've been very sad all week (hormones not helping) and cried almost everyday looking at footage of his life and pictures. Also the heartbreaking thought of Lisa (his wife) losing her soulmate. It tears me up to even comprehend him being gone. I don't think there was a time in my life between the years of 1983 to 1992 that I wasn't going 'ga-ga' over him in some movie. Besides him being awesomely handsome, he had a beautiful soul. My prayers go out to Lisa and his family.

As we know, at the end of the famous movie 'Ghost' he had the most memoriable verse that's sort of ironic now. We all balled our eyes out (I know you all did) when his wife Molly (played by Demi Moore) see's him in the light at the end of the movie. As he's walking away towards the light he says to her, "It's amazing, Molly. The love inside, you take it with you." Well Patrick, you're right. I know for sure the love you had inside you took with you. Lisa was the love of your life, your soulmate. Not many people experience that if their lifetime and you both did. You two will be joined again one day for eternity.

He fought a long, hard battle with cancer and through it all he remained the strong southern gentleman that he was. He will be greatly missed. He was a man who loved life. The thought of never seeing him in another movie or show breaks my heart.

God Bless.

xox

Today is the day I start Lupron! Stims on Friday! I am excited but also anxious to get through it. It's sometimes hard on ones body to be put through these types of medications (injections), but worth it's weight in Gold.

I've had a rough week to say the least. Migraines so bad that I threw up! Such bad nausea for the last 4 days because of the effects of the birth control pills I was on for the last 21 days. Not complaining....well maybe just a tad.....but I know it will be worth it. =)

We still have some other personal issues lala ganting over our heads. More to deal with than I would like during this time, but with the help of acupuncture, I hope to be able to handle all of it with ease! I really want this cycle to work!! I know I have to work extra hard on trying to relax.......

Let's get this show on the road!

Great news everyone! Glucose test came back 'normal'!! No diabetes for this puppy!

IVF protocol is in! I'm almost done with the BCP (birth control) part of it which I'm ecstatic over to say the least! Sunday is my last day!! YIPPEEEEEE! =) Monday I go in for my Lupron ultra sound & blood work. It's no different than any other appointment, they just call it that because it's the start of a new cycle after taking BCP's. They make sure your body is right where it needs to be so they can control it. The Lupron (evil drug mind you) is what many women my age start with. So, Wednesday (9/16) I'll be starting Lupron, then Friday (9/18) stims (Gonal-f & Menopur). I'm excited to get this ball rolling!

I'm feeling great about this cycle. I'm placing all my FAITH in one 'TTC' bucket and throwing caution to the wind! My RE (reproductive specialist) took a very good, long look at my uterus at yesterday's MOCK ultra sound (this is where they place a catheter into your uterus and inject saline to see if the uterus lining has any adnormalties, polyps, etc) and he said it looked great! Last IVF cycle back in March, polyps were found and a week later removed & scraping of some kind to my lining was done as well. I guess my lining had other issues at the time. Makes me wonder if maybe that's why I didn't get pregnant? Who knows. No looking back! Moving forward!

All I know is I am so blessed to have the opportunity to try IVF again. Like my title says "Let's get this show on the road!" :-D

Glucose test....not so bad!

I'm back ladies! Sorry I've been MIA. I've been having a rough week just trying to overcome some stressful events. But it will definately take more than a week to overcome. But I have FAITH.

This morning I went to the Labcorp to have the 'infamous' glucose test done. I won't lie, I was really nervous thinking about all I've heard about it from others who have taken it and how nasty it tasted and made you fee, but it wasn't bad at all. Infact I chugged it in less than 2 minutes! I made sure I went there hungry and thirsty!!! lol I think that helped. So my RE's office will have the results by Tuesday. I have a Mock u/s scheduled for Wednesday of next week (this is where they insert a catheder into your uterus and inject saline so they can see if all looks good - no polyps, etc). This is protocol is performed before every IVF cycle. Afterwards we have counsel with the nurse & we'll discuss things including my test results from the glucose test. I really hope I don't have diabetes. : But like my husband said, "If you have it then we are that much closer to acheiving pregancy because that could of been the problem all these years!!" I'll be kind of mad if that's what it was....now that I'm almost 43 :( Oh well, I will take what's given to me and deal with it now. I can't turn back time. Only hope for the near future with TTC.

Also, I did get my IVF protocol!! Always exciting to see 'plans'. Makes you feel 'that much closer' to the prize and we all know what that is. A baby! Or I should say, closer to my 'dream'! :-)

Ignorance is Bliss!

Today's post is to share the ignorance of one woman who posted an unnessasary selfish comment on a forum I'm part of at: http://www.twoweekwait.com/ To this day, this site has given me the endless joy of friendship with other women going through infertility. The Hopes & Prayers, tears of joy for others & loads of information/help going through the same thing as me. It is sad to have to wake up on this fine Sunday morning to read such ignorance.

As you all know, my insurance has approved my IVF 80% coverage which was a blessing in itself, but my meds aren't covered. So as many women before me (including myself on my last IVF cycle) have requested med donations from other women who have no use for their Gonal, Follistim, Menopur, etc. that were covered by their insurance. Back in March, I had a fundraiser going and a med donation too and never, ever come across a person who didn't feel my pain. My desire and long to bare a child of my own. During that time, I met the most caring, generous, beautiful souls one could ever be graced by. Women I didn't even know, donating $$ to my fundraiser & meds. It was so unbelievable.

So on that note, to make light of today's turn of events you must see what was left for me on my post on the site mentioned above.....

(1st) is my original post....

"Hi ladies...it seems like so long ago but I'm back! I'm back on the IVF wagon, trying to make it happen at the end of this month. As many of us who don't have RX coverage, we face fertility med costs they are indeed my biggest concern at this moment. I spent the whole day yesterday trying to find a company or site that may help with meds. With no success. My first IVF I did a great program through Fertility Lifelines. They supplied all the meds (Gonal-f) for that cycle. But it was ONLY a one time deal. I recommend those of you who've never done the program and are in need of Gonal to go to their website. Call the number and ask about their Care program. It's wonderful. Again, the sad part is it's only good for one time. It's even more sad when it don't work the 1st time, such as my case and many of us. I visit all the sites that people are selling their leftovers, but I'm trying to save money for the IVF treatment copay (over $2500). Really can't afford to spend the money on the meds. With that said, I thought I'd ask if anyone had any Menopur and/or Gonal-F to donate. Please PM me if you can help. Thanks a bunch (in advance)! Lorrie"

(2nd) is her reply (mandiedq).....

" Woah! It is illegal to share/sell prescription drugs! It is also a violation of the terms of service. I put an excerpt here for you and bolded the part that specifically states this.
Quote:
2. Promotion of External Web Sites, Products, Services, etc.: Commercial postings of all kinds are prohibited. The selling of drugs, tests and other products, fertility related or not, is prohibited. Posting for the sole purpose of generating traffic to external sites (commercial or not) is also prohibited. Community members are asked to support and respect this vision and refrain from engaging in any kind of commercial activity, product, business or site promotion in the community Forums, whether or not it is related to fertility and pregnancy. In addition, members are asked to refrain from targeting this community and its members for research or conducting focus groups for any purpose - academic, commercial or otherwise.

LorrieS, I see you posted the same message on the other side, too, and a couple of mods locked and told you this was not appropriate for this site."

(3rd) is my reply to her.....

"I'm not wanting to buy meds. I was looking for donations to help out. Not all of us have the luxury of having the fertility meds covered. Many times, it's other people that make this a difficult process when we're all here for the same outcome....to have a baby. I myself gave meds to help others who are having a hard time. There are many helpful & caring women on this site that beg to differ. Sorry to offend. The mods can delete all my donation request posts."

With this vent shared, I'm over it...

But by no means did I EVER intend to offend anyone or cross the line as to wanting a child.

Thanks for letting me vent. Movin on.....God is good!

GOD IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is a day of blessing! A day in my life that for the last year or so I thought would never come. The thought of another IVF cycle not being possible again is no more!!

We have been approved by our insurance for 3.....YES 3 IVF cycles!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have until July 2010 to use them. By the grace of God and all his blessings I am beyond relief. When April's (out of pocket) IVF cycle failed, I was beyond devastated. I was sad beyond words.

This day was not possible in my mind. I needed to be approved for a better insurance and thought there's just no way THAT will ever happen. Thinking our TTC days through fertility treatment were something of the past......no HOPE in sight. God showed me that things are possible if your desires are from the heart. He heard my endless cries for a second chance. I know IVF is created by human life on earth, but the Lord is the only way of making such creations possible for human life. To bring such miracles to help women like me. I am grateful.

Thank you God. I love you. I know you will follow me through this and be with me every step of the way. I have Faith in you. The path you have set before me is the path you want me to follow. You will lead me to my hearts desires of becoming a Mother. I know you will. When the time is right for me. Amen.

UPDATE...

Nothing new as to insurance but I will be starting Fertility Acupunture on Monday, August 31. It's wonderful that I found someone local and I only have to travel 10 minutes. She sounds wonderful and very knowledgable in Feritility. She is credited in this field. I hope this helps with preparing our second attempt at IVF. I'm feeling ready to try new things that have helped so many others. The Acupunturist was very surprised when I told her my FSH number (7). She thought that was incredable at my age. I hope she can help us.

Insurance companies.....UGH!

Good Morning everyone! Here's where I'm at.

Went in for my CD3 b/w and u/s yesterday. FSH 7 (wow!) and all my other numbers were great as well! I was given the ok to start BCP's (birth control). I'm not a fan of this process but we must do what we must. I'm still in limbo with the insurance company and them approving this IVF cycle. I can only HOPE & PRAY. My nurse said that she really thinks they were waiting for my CD3 tests before they approve the cycle. She said it was mentioned in the paperwork from their office. So we shall see. I hope she's right!

Much blessings to my friend Amy as she embarks on her 2WW tomorrow!!! Stick little beans STICK!! xox

I will KUP on the outcome with my insurance. =)

Today she came....

Well as expected....the 'witch' is in town as of this morning!! The good ole 'reassurance' that one day I may be able to conceive a child because really without her making a 'regular' appearance every month, I'd be clearly out of luck!

With this said, we shall now wait & see if IVF is approved or not. Like I mentioned in my previous post, it's all in the insurance company hands now. A scary place to be really. Monday my 3rd day bloodwork is scheduled to commence the IVF process, but as I told the nurse on Wednesday, I won't be going through with my appointment if it's not approved. Unfortunately & very sadly, the road will end there. It would be quite the heart break if after fighting for so long to find insurance coverage (even if it's not full coverage) it came down to this!! Beyond crushing....really. Please pray for us as we try to embark on another chance on this journey. I will KUP!

**If we do go ahead with IVF, I wanted to let anyone out there reading my blog know that I am looking for med donations. Paying for the copay on IVF is going to break us as it is. Times are tough, as for many of us. If you have any Gonal-f and/or Menopur left over it would be great appreciated. Much Love.

Ok Ok Ok!!! I know!!! I'm not a 'real blogger'. I have been an awful blogger!! lol Sorry I haven't updated til now but to tell you the truth.....I haven't had the energy inside myself to blog about the same problems or emotions that I've been feeling since my last post. It's a ongoing delema and it really rips at your soul. But today I'm here and that's all that counts, right??

So no BIG news or shock to find out peeing on stick this cycle has inevitably resulted in the same outcome. BFN (Big Fat Negative!!!) We are now moving on (hopefully) to another round of IVF in Sept or Oct. It's all in the 'insurance companies' hands. Isn't it always??? I fought so long and hard to finally be approved for some coverage such as this and I'm still in limbo because it STILL has to be approved through them!!!! Here we go again. I spoke with the financial advisor at the Clinic yesterday & said she submitted the 'paperwork' for IVF to them around 4 weeks ago. Yippee Ky Yay M'er F'er!!!! So we wait.....biting our nails......clinching at some shear of hope that this may be possible one more time!! So will it be........... the END OF ROAD for us or.......tears of joy that we will be blessed with 'another try'? Let's all pray it's not the end my dear friends.

Working on a dream

Today I got my thoughts together and said to myself, Lorrie if you're going to make something a reality you have to stop worrying about the things in your way and try and help yourself. So, I did some research on the internet, poked around, got on the phone & called my health insurance company to see if there was any other RX plan I could get that has better prescription coverage than the crappy one I have now. Even though that was a 'negative'.... I must perservere!!! I found this other thing through a company called 'icore'. I'm waiting to hear back from the nurse. They have this 'Infertility - Therapy Enrollment' program that I'm wondering about and even if it's something that might be my ticket to getting the meds I'll need to do my IVF cycle. Who knows! I really want this to happen at the end of this month. I won't give up! I was looking forward to jumping back on the IVF bangwagon and it just hurts my heart so much not knowing if that will happen any time soon. I'll be 43 in 6 months and my time is valuable dang it!!!

**UPDATE**

Back to the drawing board.....icore is a no go! :-(

Almost the weekend =)

Not much going on today. It's Saturday and I work.....unfortunately. But I can't complain, I have a great job. Pretty easy job to tell you the truth. I manage a Community Clubhouse in some 'fancy schmanssy' neighborhood. Mostly higher rank military folks that live there. I'm also the Events Coordinator....I work with kids alot and it's something I enjoy.

As for TTC, things are pretty much on hold unless some miracle upon miracles comes along financially. If so, we will be able to do another IVF cycle. I was so hoping for it to happen in August/September but when I came back from being away on vacation for the whole month of July, I had a shit load of bills and property taxes that are due at the end of September, well a partial payment anyway. It's still a BIG chunk! We're also working with a 'Mortgage Consultant' company to fight our current mortgage company for a loan modification and that's costing us $2600!!! OUCH!!! But if it gets us into a fixed mortgage instead of this damn Arm we have now, then it will be worth it. We now have the majority of IVF covered under the new insurance we were approved for, but we still have to pay 20% of the procedure which will come to $2500 or so & does not include costs of the meds. Those will run us well over $3000. I had great luck in the past with donation meds from other women who have some left. It's been a blessing to have so many kind women who have done so for us. IVF is harder because you need soooo much more. It's quite the journey to say the least! Well, maybe my miracle will be conceiving miraculously on our own this month????? LOL! Now that would be somethin!

I'll keep you posted!