Sunday, July 24, 2011

I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out; plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:11

Saturday, July 23, 2011


HMMMMMMM....I really think my picture should be beside that word in the dictionary.

Desires of my heart. Here I am. Contemplating a new avenue, new hopes and dreams, of course at a price without any certainties always.

So here we go. September 14th we are on a conference call (consultation) with a clinic in Upstate NY called CNY. If you get a chance, visit their website,
This RE, Dr. Kiltz is a true inspiration and one that I feel I need at this point. My consultation is so far away because I ONLY want to speak with him. I need to hear from him as to what I need to do at this point. I know I am contacting him to embark on donor eggs, but I need to talk to him. Feel his uplifting words through me. Tell me I'm not at a dead end if he feels I'm not. Give me the inspiration that I need.

My niece has offered to be my donor, but after offering, she found out by her supervisor at school that she could not take 2 weeks off (which is what is needed for her cycling time) of school or else it will affect her year. She asked me if I could wait till July, 2012 when she has completed school. I thanked her enormously and declined and told her not to feel bad, even though I would love to have her as my donor, but that I could not wait that long. I will be 45 years old in Feb 2012 and feel in my heart that I would love to be at least a few months pregnant at that point, not still waiting. She agreed and said she would speak to her school again and let them know what the 2 weeks is for and see if they can make an exception. Either way, donor egg is our route.

We got approved for a loan to cover a 'family' donor, but since the news on my niece, we will need more $$ to do a single anonymous donor cycle. We put the loan money away and we hope to be able to add an extra $6000 to be able to do it. It's scary, to put all my hopes in a donor for $14,000, but this is the cost. It is 1/2 that if we use a family or friend donor. It eliminates having to pay a donor, that's why the cost is so much less.

I believe this is the right path for us. We did try and are not against trying donor embryo again, but it would have to be someone with many that are frozen and who is younger. I think most that donate their embryos are older women and don't have that many frozen, but then again, there are donors out there that used donor eggs for their IVF. I'm not up for an 'open' embryo donation, so this is also an obstacle with many.

I thought about doing a fundraiser again, but honestly, I don’t have the drive I once had. I feel I’ve been on this journey far longer than most and can’t expect people to keep helping us with this.

I do play the lottery…………hey we all can dream right?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

the verdict is in....

Casey Anthony gets off on 'killing her child' and I get a BFN verdict that ends my journey of trying to have a child. What SOME take for granted I tell ya.

God, what have I done to deserve this???

Financially we're exhausted. Emotionally I am gutted. I have no clue how or when this will sink in that I am NOT meant to be a Mom. I can't even be a STEP Mom without problems. What was I thinking????

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Reality is evident....but I'm still trying to hold on to Faith

A good friend of mine suggested I test last night being my morning testing hasn't been successful so I did last night. BFN.

I was having some pretty hard sxs, veiny bbs, sore, cramps, pinching etc for the last 3 days, but the tests are really proving that it's clearly the progestrone making me feel this way. I've never used PIO before and to be honest, the ONLY time I've ever had veins in my breast was when I was pg. So I'm pretty confused and shocked to see them with all the BFN's. I would never think that prog would cause that much of a sxs.

Oh brother and SIL are here from back home, They leave to head back on Friday. I go in for beta on Tuesday. I just want it over with as always. Not sure I can really say 'to move on' because at this point with donor embryos such as this, not sure if that blessing will come to us twice in a lifetime. Hubby said we'll 'deal' with what the outcome is and find someway I guess to do something, but I know the reality of it all. It's not good.

I'm off to try and enjoy myself today shopping!!

It is our Anniversary tomorrow (7 years). I'll probably test again tomorrow night to confirm what I already know for Tuesday. I'll kup.

God Bless and