Sunday, September 26, 2010

So many places in my heart and mind.

It seems like my life is in a standstill. Not knowing how to go forward since the donor changed their minds. It has been a hell of a month since our last IVF attempt at the end of August. I've been emotionally distraught. Trying to rap my mind around a new plan, I have alot of plans but the money isn't there for these plans, but I'm still hoping something comes through.....

We have a consultation with an adoption place on Tuesday. I know it's going to be a disappointment due to the fact of how much these type of things cost. I don't know why I bother. I guess I'm grasping for anyway this dream of motherhood can come true. It's a very sad thought for me these days. More so than ever.

Donor egg is over $15,000 for one cycle. $29,000 for the shared risk program which would be great because the would give us 6 attempts! But prices like that are waaay outta reach. We've already spent $20,000 so far in IVF attempts.

I'll post when I can. Well, when I have something better to post one day....I hope.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~Author unknown

Monday, September 20, 2010

Racking my brain...

Since last Thursday night I've been sobbing, wondering what to do now. My heart still aches so much, I just wanted to move on from all this negative turn abouts and now I feel so alone. So hurt inside. My chest hurts. That must be because my heart is there and it's broken in 2.

I keep looking for other avenues and donor sites, but nothing gives me much hope. My good friend Tracey signed me up and paid the fee to become a member on this site called 'MiraclesWaiting'. It's where you can view embryo donors and receipients and hopefully you get a match. Most of them want 'open' donations. Meaning, they want to be involved in the childs life, like an 'Aunt'/'Uncle'. Not my thing. It's not like there's a boat load of them offering....the choices/matches are slim. :(

I called Shady Grove today asking about the Shared Risk Donor Egg program knowing that the cost would be way out of reach for us. God only knows what I was hoping to find out. :/ Sure enough it was $29,000. I even went as far as applying for a loan through Fertility Finance with no avail. Not surprised. God knows we couldn't afford a $700 a month loan payment on top of all the bills we have now! Yikes! WTH was I thinking to even apply for that amount of money. I guess I was waiting for someone to tell me "give it up Lorrie!" even though obviously those weren't the words that were told to me....but I still felt them.

I just feel so sad I'm in this place. I honestly wish I would of never had been offered the embryos. I hurt more now because of it. I never in a million years would of expected anything like that to happen to me, someone donating their embryos. It wasn't even a thought in my head till that day on May 14, 2010 when I got the email. I've been reading them all between the donor and I. Just torturing myself. I had such high hopes and it kept my spirits up after my last failed IVF cycle. I still can't believe this happened. I can't come to terms with it yet. I'm trying....but everyday just seems to be the same as the last. One blends right into the other. It feels like a bad dream.

Anyway, I keep telling myself that I need to find a new life I guess. Something else to move on to. Try and find happiness somehow??? Can't imagine my life without a child, but I'm going to have to face it, but how does someone do that after all this time? I can't seem to shake it.

Friday, September 17, 2010

I think I ought to get this out now and be done with it....

Many were unaware of this but here it is.

I was offered embryos months ago from a gorgeous, caring, loving couple that emailed me out of the blue to let me know they wanted us to have them. I was so touched and really shocked. I hadn't done my last IVF cycle yet. But after receiving such a email I thought this might be God's gift to us. This is really the route he wants me to go on. We did our last IVF cycle anyway, but knowing I had these precious gifts waiting if things didn't go well for us, was so comforting.

Last week I got a Reproductive Attorney and got things rolling. I just sent the contract info sheet by fax yesterday to get the drawing of the contract in motion.

On Monday, she gave birth to her beautiful twin boys. They were earlier than expected and one is struggling right now. They need care to get strong and grow. I got an email last night from her and she said they had a change of heart this week. Being very emotional from her babies being in the hospital and after giving birth as can be expected, the offer is no more. They are now not sure they don't want anymore children in the future and wish to keep their embryos.

I am crushed, hurt, numb, my eyes can not cry anymore due to the pain they feel. I walk around with my heart ripped out of my chest, but what can I do? Nothing. This is the end of my journey.

Take care and God Bless everyone.