Since last Thursday night I've been sobbing, wondering what to do now. My heart still aches so much, I just wanted to move on from all this negative turn abouts and now I feel so alone. So hurt inside. My chest hurts. That must be because my heart is there and it's broken in 2.
I keep looking for other avenues and donor sites, but nothing gives me much hope. My good friend Tracey signed me up and paid the fee to become a member on this site called 'MiraclesWaiting'. It's where you can view embryo donors and receipients and hopefully you get a match. Most of them want 'open' donations. Meaning, they want to be involved in the childs life, like an 'Aunt'/'Uncle'. Not my thing. It's not like there's a boat load of them offering....the choices/matches are slim. :(
I called Shady Grove today asking about the Shared Risk Donor Egg program knowing that the cost would be way out of reach for us. God only knows what I was hoping to find out. :/ Sure enough it was $29,000. I even went as far as applying for a loan through Fertility Finance with no avail. Not surprised. God knows we couldn't afford a $700 a month loan payment on top of all the bills we have now! Yikes! WTH was I thinking to even apply for that amount of money. I guess I was waiting for someone to tell me "give it up Lorrie!" even though obviously those weren't the words that were told to me....but I still felt them.
I just feel so sad I'm in this place. I honestly wish I would of never had been offered the embryos. I hurt more now because of it. I never in a million years would of expected anything like that to happen to me, someone donating their embryos. It wasn't even a thought in my head till that day on May 14, 2010 when I got the email. I've been reading them all between the donor and I. Just torturing myself. I had such high hopes and it kept my spirits up after my last failed IVF cycle. I still can't believe this happened. I can't come to terms with it yet. I'm trying....but everyday just seems to be the same as the last. One blends right into the other. It feels like a bad dream.
Anyway, I keep telling myself that I need to find a new life I guess. Something else to move on to. Try and find happiness somehow??? Can't imagine my life without a child, but I'm going to have to face it, but how does someone do that after all this time? I can't seem to shake it.
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3 comments:
Lorrie,
I've been following your journey and I'm really sad for you. I know that you really want a baby and I myself went through infertility and started treatment but at a much younger age. I was fortunately blessed with children and so I can't say that I know how it feels to have never carried a baby in my body. But, I wanted to tell you that there is hope.
Have you considered a state adoption? My good friend recently adopted a baby boy from state custody. It was a very affordable process. She went through some classes and then was called when he was born to come pick him up from the hospital. The adoption was a long and trying process but probably no more than what you've already been through with a much better chance of getting a baby at the end. Just a thought to maybe give you some hope of becoming a mommy. Praying for peace for you in whatever you decide is next.
I too have been following your story, and my heart breaks for you. I was in your same place. I know how you feel! Do not give up. I had to ask my self, "Do I want to be pregnant or do I want to be a parent" Have you heard of this?
helpusadopt.org a non profit started by aninfertileblonde.com.
Maybe they can help. Do Not Give UP
Iam keeping you in my prayers.
Thanks Ladies. Your posts mean alot to me.
L
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