Acceptance and Sadness all in ONE

WOW has it been a long time since I've visited BLOG, let alone blogged on my own page. Alot has happened in my life since my last post, hence me wanting to clear the air on where things are at this point in my life.

First off, the big blow that I need to share is that I'm done trying. I have 'forced' myself to come to the conclussion that a child of my own is NOT going to happen. There's no money for donor egg, no time & simply put, my heart isn't the same. Harsh as it may seem, I'm convinced that this is what God has planned for me. All those years I fought people's words about how "God has other plans for you and maybe having a child is not one of them." Well, I believe it now. I've given up.

I know alot of you out there who use to follow my blog and were with me in groups on TWW encouraging me might think "No way....after all she's been through, she has not given up." But you're wrong. My heart is Moot....numb....broken. My desires and energy for TTC have sadly died. Everyone I've met on this journey have had their child(ren) and have moved on with life, which is what happens. What more can they say or do for me? I understand. I truly, heartedly, appreciate all their love and lifting words and gestures they've given me over the years, but this chapter has ended.

Tom and I completed an 8 week Adoption program with the State of Maryland that was in May and June, but I don't have the energy to go any further. My heart.....well....I'm not in the right place anymore or feel I'm not deserving of Motherhood anymore. Sometimes you have to 'suck it up' and move the f on whether it be what you want to do or not. Period. The Home Study package is still sitting in a bag on the dining room table. I've never looked at it. So that evidence my heart isn't there anymore. I've hit rock bottom on this journey. I don't know where I belong on this planet, so I adopt furbabies. They make me smile.

On April 11, 2012, I lost my fur baby-boy Gizmo. He passed away in my arms at 8:45pm that night and it shook my world. He was my little man. We shared almost 14 memorable years (he would have been 14 on May 15, 2012) together. He was ALWAYS there for me and I for him. He was my buddy and I've lost him and a HUGE part of me with him. My heart is not on the mend, it is broken with an unreparable scar.

My life in a Nutshell......WORK. That's all I do, 3 jobs, with an occassional 'out to dinner with friends', which now a days, are few and far between for me.

I haven't seen my grandbaby Raegan in months and that encounter was solely due to her being at Tom's Moms house visiting back in April. Otherwise, to lay it straight, she has not been at our house since June 16, 2011. Yes, you read correctly, 2011. It's been over a year and there's no change on the horizon any time soon. Step daughter still does not speak to neither her father or myself. No Merry Christmas' or Happy Birthdays. That relationship on any level is no more. Tom's Mom tells us that Raegan asks about us almost everytime she's there. She asks if Nana & Pop-pop are coming over and of course she tells her "No, they're working." Guess telling a 3 1/2 year old that her Mother is the blame of her not seeing her Nana & Pop-pop is unacceptable, but what the Mother is doing to the child is okay. Not too pleased with my MIL these days. What started off as a situation with her and my step daughter and us helping that situation, has put us here, but my MIL still gets to see Raegan and all is honky dory there..... ironic isn't it? I've lost respect there that's for sure. Another relationship I feel no effort to even try to work on. I do speak to her and touch base every once in a while, but I can not forgive her for where she's let this go when it all started with helping her out with my step daughter. Oh well, another dead end.

My Mom turns 85 this October. No doubt I am blessed to still have her in my life, but to live 600 miles away and see her 1 or 2 a year isn't settling very well with me as each passing year goes by. The 12 years I've been living (wasting) in Maryland, with Tom's selfish, disfunctional family PISSES me OFF!!! It seemed so easy to leave Upstate NY when I moved here back in October 1999, but it seems so hard to move back to be near the family and friends that love and miss me. Where I should be so that the hurtful 'stings' that this life have brought me don't hurt so much or I can share with those who care.

IRS came knocking this year when we got our taxes done. Guess not enough was taken out and business was good last year that it took us off guard and $6500 was owed. We paid some when taxes were due, but $4100 is the balance owed by Aug 6. This unfortunate situation has dampered my trip home as we are struggling enough to get that out of the way. Go figure, this year business is dead. Busy season, as Tom and I always put it (starting in May and ending by Oct-Nov) never came and here we are July 21. Very scary. 2012 sucks, but then again, since December 26, 2009, my life sucks.

I know this might be a depressing post for you all, but this is where I'm at and it was time I expressed and shared as a form of 'letting it out' and maybe saying it 'out loud' for myself as well. Do I feel better? not really, but as I used to say "It is what it is."

Update and Fundraiser!

We are now working with CNY in Upstate, NY. A wonderful facility. We are going to use Donor Eggs. We have chosen 3 donors and are on their waiting list (starting with the preferred donor). We anticipate cycling sometime in the next 3-4 months I would think.

Everything has been hitting us. From oweing the IRS $8000 this year and struggling there and then our heating unit (furnance) in our home going belly up last week and fighting the insurance company to help, this dream is really weighing heavy on my heart. The fear of it not happening due to funds, is breaking my heart.

Please don't feel pressured, but if you can help us achieve our goal so we can move on and cycle with CNY, we would be so grateful.

God Bless.

Lorrie and Tom

xox

Another day.....

I needed a day to regroup and get my thoughts and anger incheck. I'm doing somewhat better today. It's very hurtful, stressful & disappointing to say the least as to how my RE stated his non-treatment fact to me, but he has his opinion on the 'age' thing and I have to except how things are at this point. Now I have my own opinion as well and have the right to say that it wasn't right of him to have me do these tests if in reality he never had any intentions of treating me. That's how I see it anyway. I know some have said to me "find another RE" and that's all well, and finding another RE is not impossible, but not feasible as other clinics are too far up the road to even consider.

With this said, I'm moving on to donor eggs, somehow, someway. I've already contacted CNY, who I was already dealing with sometime ago and am now on a waiting list for 3 donors that we chose. Yes in a matter of 2 days since my disappointing news, I've applied for a loan (which we were denied of course), applied for a discount with Shady Grove for the Shared Risk donor egg program and contacted CNY and chose donors and are now on a waiting list. I was surprised I could still log-in to the site to look at the donors, I was happy about that. This may take some months to get to, but I'm okay with that. I need all necessary testing out of the way in the meantime and to get some money saved. I thought I might do another fundraiser, but honestly I'm not sure I have that fire in me anymore or want to bother people with my unfortunate situation. I told DH that I'm tired of going into debt for material things that he wants or feels 'we' need. I want a baby, PERIOD. That's the ONLY thing I want to refer to when we talk of money. He knows I'm done and this with my RE was the straw that broke the camels back.

Follow-up Consult.....

Not only was he very late with calling me, an hour to be exact, when he did, he acted like it was I who wanted to speak with him. I've only been waiting for 2 weeks for an update after my AMH results. The nerve. He asked me "What questions did I have for him?" HUH???? :o WTF???

I started the convo and asked him what my AMH numbers were and all. He said that my AMH came back satisfactory and that my FSH was 7 and something else came back 7 as well (can't remember the name of it) and he said that he was VERY surprised at my results, but that he spoke with other RE's and they said they still don't feel he should treat me either. Success rate is almost 0 (1%) at my age. So it's No he said. I said "well I want to do this, why can't you do this because the patient wants it?" He said "Listen, it's not a do or die situation, this is fertility treatments, and I can't. You have reached the end of your road with your own eggs." I then said "well I can't touch the donor egg program at this point." He replied "I understand and I'm sorry about that."

So as I felt myself ready to burst into tears I started to end the call with Okay then and he said "Sorry again Lorraine. If you ever want to do donor egg, I can help you then. You take care." and that was it.

I just can't believe my numbers are good and statistics take over. I'm gutted.I can't stop crying. I can't believe I found this job with great IVF insurance, my AMH numbers were remarkably surprising and it's NO.

What am I here on earth for anymore???

DAY 3 update!

Well my FSH today was 7 :-0 YEP 7!!!!!!! Can you believe it??? I'm a month away from turning 45 years old!

I was also surprised that I already had 5 follicles showing on my left ovary and 3 on my right. I don't recall having that many (ever?) on DAY 3, but then again I could be wrong. I remember things being really quiet at this time. IDK. I'm not use to cycling anymore so who knows. Everything was normal she said.

I told the nurse that I know I have plenty of reserve, but she said that she's had 28 year olds come through there and have high FSH and it's not all that cycling is about. She then went on to say that she needed to get 3 more tests from me today, but didn't know I was coming in. So she asked me to come in tomorrow and was worried that I was DAY 4 today. I made the mistake when I called to schedule my DAY 3 not to ask for her personally as she would of known to add those 3 other tests to my b/w draw. So it's another early morning tomorrow. I asked her what these were for and she said its to know my ovarian function & how I would stimulate. I thought that was odd after having done 4 IVF's with them that they wouldn't see I respond VERY WELL. Oh well, it's a New Year. Time to look at things NEW and from scratch. Maybe my miracle will happen and they will let me cycle with my own eggs. I will AGAIN say that I truly believe Royal Jelly is a great thing to take. I think it helps.

I'll kup as to tomorrow's results.

The Moment of Truth on Thursday

AF arrived today, so this is DAY 1. I called the RE's office and scheduled my DAY 3 bloodwork as requested by my RE. Praying my 'numbers' knock them off their feet and they stop looking at me like a 'statistic' and maybe this 44-45 year old woman has alot left in her to go ahead for round 6!!! Praying for that GOLDEN EGG!

Not sure how 'fast' the Board of RE's will give me an answer as to proceeding with my own eggs or not. I hope not too long. If they approve of me doing IVF with my own eggs I hope to be getting things rolling with next months AF.

Come on ROYAL JELLY.....show them what I've been believing for soooo long! That you do help with this 'old' lady's eggies!

I will say, when I got pregnant back in December 2009, having made it to a 5 day transfer of 3 embryos, I chalked up the success due to having taken Royal Jelly. I started taking them once again at the end of October 2011 knowing in the New Year I would be doing IVF. HOPING.......

As soon as I know something, I'll share.

God Bless

Lorrie

New Job with IVF COVERAGE! A waste......

Tom and went for our consult with the RE at Shady Grove on 12-23-11 with excitement & relief that we finally had another 3 tries (knowing these would be our last) to bring home our miracle in 2012. But much to our surprise he declined to take me on with my own eggs. He said he could not sleep with a clear conscious if he did. He thinks my time is up with my own eggs. He said that that's his opinion from his heart. He offered to present it to the board of RE's (over 40 of them he said) at the clinic and he will not vote on it and let them do so after he gets my Day 3 numbers with my next period in January. He knows the board will want to know my numbers before they say yah or nae to see how my ovaries are functioning & my reserve.

I won't lie, I sat back in my chair is dismay. I couldn't believe I was finally back with coverage, including meds this time and the unimaginable has happened. Of course he encouraged me to go the donor egg route which by all means, if I had $29,000 I would do it in a heartbeat!!!! So he offered to take $2000 off and have me apply for something they call 'Shared Help' where you can receive an additional 10-30% off treatment if we qualify. That would help a whole lot if we were to get 30% off we'd probably be looking at around $19,000 for the shared risk program (1:3). That is 6 attempts for that price and if you don't bring a baby home you get your money back.

That's all fine and dandy. Again, I would JUMP ON IT IN A NEW YORK MINUTE if I could get a loan. The sad thing is in the 'real' world you can easily get a car loan no sweat, but go into a bank for a personal loan to have a baby, and that won't happen. Like Tom said, "When there's no collateral, what are they going to do....take the baby if you don't pay???" of course he was acting like a smart @ss about the whole thing, but it's disheartening for him too.

So I guess the plan right now is to get January's Day 3 blood work done to see what my 'numbers' are and go from there with the board’s decision. In the meantime, I’ll work on applying for the shared help and applying at the Fertility Finance place too. Not too hopeful there as we were previously denied a few years ago.

I can't say that I'm feeling sad, not sure why. Maybe deep down inside I know my Faith will prevail. When the world crashes down on you, I never stop praying and talking to God, because no matter what, it was never about them. In the end it's God who leads me to the right moment, opportunites and blessings.

I'll kuap.

God Bless.