Friday, December 10, 2010

And now we wait....

I finally got our Donor's infectious disease paperwork that we had been waiting for sometime now and sent it off to the clinic via email. This was one of the key factors that the clinic was requesting, besides the embryo quality of course and they got that part months ago. So now we wait. Without this clinics approval, there's no way we can proceed with the legal aspects because we need to let the attorney know what clinic we'll be using for the FET. It needs to be put in the contract. I was really hoping to have this legal part out of the way when the New Year rolled around, but the way things are going, it's not looking too promising.

We're leaving for our Christmas trip back home (Montreal, Quebec) on December 20th and won't be back until January 2, 2011. So if I don't hear back from the clinic today or by very early next week with the OK on whether they can except the embryos or not, then nothing will be done until the New Year. It's disappointing, but I'm use to that by now with everything I've been through this past year. If it does go in our favor, then our attorney told us the contract process is rather quick. Hence us wanting this part done with by Friday, December 17th. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I really don't think it will happen though.

tick tock, tick tock......

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Verdict is in....2011 sucks already

Got confirmation today that the Association meeting last night went well over all, but nothing about my position changed and they're moving ahead with the decision of making my position part time starting January 1, 2011. I need to let them know by this Friday, December 10th if I'm staying on. What the hell do they think??? I can just leave? I probably could and claim maximum unemployment for 6+ months and stay home and search for a job, but like my husband says, I'm not the type who feels worth anything staying at home. Plus if I do take it, I can still claim a 'partial' claim and make about $100 less a week for the time being while I'm still searching for a new full time position hopefully with benefits this time.

I'm so worried though. Sick to my stomach with worry. How will I continue to pay the bills I have making $400-500 less a month? How do I move forward with my dreams of becoming a mother in 2011 as I was so hoping for? How do I keep paying for my individual health insurance that's $330 a month not including dental or vision? I'm sick to my stomach I tell ya, just sick.

But no matter what, I'm going to have to bite the bullet. Go without paying some bills and those would be credit cards, I have no choice. The debt is high, but so is my stress. I want a normal life. Dreams that are obtainable. I'm tired of hurting and being hurt. Where do I find the strength with each passing heartbreak and disappointment? Lord, have I not been tested enough? There are far worse of people, I know this and understand this, but I have had my fair share of heartaches and let downs in the past 17 years that I feel it's time. Time for my dreams to come to pass. I beg of you Lord.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Some news....

Lots has been happening. Some good news came to us awhile back and we are going to move on to a Donor to acheive our dream of becoming parents together. Something I am very blessed to have been offered.

With that said.....the bad news.

I'm going to be losing my job that I have been at for over 5 years. I had to come to terms with some hard decisions these past few days.

I work for a Community Association where I run the Clubhouse there. I am a Manager/Activity Coordinator. The neighborhood is dominent military of over 7000 people. My job has always been full time and sadly enough it was brought to my attention this past Wednesday (December 1st) that they are changing my position to part-time. Not changing any of the job duties/description of course, but cutting the hours in half. It will now be 20 hours a week versus 40 hours. I am devasted. Out of all the budget cuts they jumped at my jugguler first and with no thought for one second how this would affect me and my families finances what's so ever. I am and have been the ONLY employee running the show(events) and managing the place for over 3 years out of the five. I have brought the Clubhouse to where it is today on my own recognition and as it seems, I am not even getting the respect I deserve.

With this news I am faced with declining to continue the position because after much thought and research, I am better off saying "No" and collecting maximum on unemployment than staying on as a part time employee at the same job and losing 1/2 my weekly income and having to spend money on gas to get to the place 5 days a week. Not with the prices today.

I wrote a one & 1/2 page letter to the board justifying myself and my position to them asking them to reconsider their decision. The letter was sent via email on Friday. There's a big Annual Association meeting for members to attend on Tuesday night, not solely for the board. I guess this is where they will let members who attend know of the new budget for 2011. I'm not sure if they will go into detail and mention there decision on my job status or where I will stand when it comes to Tuesday after they've had the time to discuss my letter, if they even do. I hope and pray that they do and they reconsider, but if they don't and don't reply in some form to me, then I will have no choice to decline staying on. It breaks my heart that I'm faced with such circumstances, but as I've always said about alot of things in my life, "It is what it is." I can't change their minds by myself. If members appreciate the work I've done for them and how I've taken care of their Clubhouse they will fight for me. I've already mentioned it to a few members in the last 2 days, I might see more on Monday and Tuesday and I will not hold back then either. I figure this is all I can do at this point.

In all honesty, I feel discarded. Like I don't even matter. In the letter/notice from them it said very briefly at the end that I had till Friday, December 3rd to give my answer. Yes, they only gave me a day and 1/2 to make up my mind, but took them months to decide to change my life in a split second. The other sad part is in speaking with some members I found out yesterday that they are increasing Association dues. Yes, you read it right! They are going on like they should, but cutting my salary. I'll be losing over $18,000 a year. Right there that doesn't even make sense, but then again, the word discarded comes back to mind. They really don't care for me doing what I do & have done on a full time basis. Go figure, the ones who I was told voted on making the change don't even attend or participate in any event or Clubhouse amentities. So why would they care if I went part time & have financial heartbreak?

With that said, I will see where this next week leads to and if it's a deadend then I will start cleaning out my computer of personal things & my office as well, this way when my last day comes on December 19th before my final 2 weeks off, I will then let them know I am not returning in 2011. I don't want to tell them any sooner, because I'm sure they'd want to hire some person at $9 bucks an hour to fill my bill and ask me to show her the ropes before I go and THAT'S NOT happening. I'm still praying on a turn around in my favor, but at this point, it's going to be what it's going to be and there's nothing I can do about it.

So as for our 2011 Donor dreams, well I'm sure if the job thing doesn't work out, the dream will be left on hold for much longer. :( Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach. My heart is broke once again.....

What's with December for me? Last year I lost my baby and now my job. I guess I have to turn this awful situation, no matter how hard, into something good. So I've been being extra nice to people, complete stranger. 'Paying it forward' as you'd call it. I thought, maybe if I stop being so down and thinking I've been defeatede and knocked down again in my life that kindness will heal my wounds. I think it's a positive way to be, something I'm not prone to do. So why not.

God is good. Things will work out in the end no matter what.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Lord is it Mine

I know that there's a reason why I need to be alone
You show me there's a silent place that I can call my own
Is it mine? Oh, Lord is it mine?

You know I get so weary from the battles in this life
and as many times it seems that you're the only hope in sight
Is it mine? Oh, Lord is it mine?

When everything's dark and nothing seems right,
there's nothing to win, and there's no need to fight

I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land
but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand
Is it mine? Oh, Lord is it mine?

When everything's dark and nothing seems right,
You don't have to win, and there's no need to fight

If only I could find a way
to feel your sweetness through the day
The love that shines around me could be mine,
So give us an answer, won't you,
We know what we have to do,
There must be a thousand voices trying to get through.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Through Repentance to Faith - Part 2 by Derek Prince

Yesterdays post was hard to write and hard to read afterwards. I have been in such a dark place for some time. Last night I was so angry at my husbands daughter, the things I said to him were SO angry! I'm tired of my heart being so cold and I don't want to have those demons inside my heart anymore. I am not pleased with alot of people in my life both online & in reality, but I can't live like this anymore. I need to REPENT. I need to find God the way I used to and have FAITH again.

Today is a new day for me because of this preacher's sermon. There is a part 1 but this part is what sunk in. Someone brought me to him from a comment left on another post below and I am thankful.

"There’s only one way to learn Endurance…...and that's Enduring."

Sunday, September 26, 2010

So many places in my heart and mind.

It seems like my life is in a standstill. Not knowing how to go forward since the donor changed their minds. It has been a hell of a month since our last IVF attempt at the end of August. I've been emotionally distraught. Trying to rap my mind around a new plan, I have alot of plans but the money isn't there for these plans, but I'm still hoping something comes through.....

We have a consultation with an adoption place on Tuesday. I know it's going to be a disappointment due to the fact of how much these type of things cost. I don't know why I bother. I guess I'm grasping for anyway this dream of motherhood can come true. It's a very sad thought for me these days. More so than ever.

Donor egg is over $15,000 for one cycle. $29,000 for the shared risk program which would be great because the would give us 6 attempts! But prices like that are waaay outta reach. We've already spent $20,000 so far in IVF attempts.

I'll post when I can. Well, when I have something better to post one day....I hope.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~Author unknown

Monday, September 20, 2010

Racking my brain...

Since last Thursday night I've been sobbing, wondering what to do now. My heart still aches so much, I just wanted to move on from all this negative turn abouts and now I feel so alone. So hurt inside. My chest hurts. That must be because my heart is there and it's broken in 2.

I keep looking for other avenues and donor sites, but nothing gives me much hope. My good friend Tracey signed me up and paid the fee to become a member on this site called 'MiraclesWaiting'. It's where you can view embryo donors and receipients and hopefully you get a match. Most of them want 'open' donations. Meaning, they want to be involved in the childs life, like an 'Aunt'/'Uncle'. Not my thing. It's not like there's a boat load of them offering....the choices/matches are slim. :(

I called Shady Grove today asking about the Shared Risk Donor Egg program knowing that the cost would be way out of reach for us. God only knows what I was hoping to find out. :/ Sure enough it was $29,000. I even went as far as applying for a loan through Fertility Finance with no avail. Not surprised. God knows we couldn't afford a $700 a month loan payment on top of all the bills we have now! Yikes! WTH was I thinking to even apply for that amount of money. I guess I was waiting for someone to tell me "give it up Lorrie!" even though obviously those weren't the words that were told to me....but I still felt them.

I just feel so sad I'm in this place. I honestly wish I would of never had been offered the embryos. I hurt more now because of it. I never in a million years would of expected anything like that to happen to me, someone donating their embryos. It wasn't even a thought in my head till that day on May 14, 2010 when I got the email. I've been reading them all between the donor and I. Just torturing myself. I had such high hopes and it kept my spirits up after my last failed IVF cycle. I still can't believe this happened. I can't come to terms with it yet. I'm trying....but everyday just seems to be the same as the last. One blends right into the other. It feels like a bad dream.

Anyway, I keep telling myself that I need to find a new life I guess. Something else to move on to. Try and find happiness somehow??? Can't imagine my life without a child, but I'm going to have to face it, but how does someone do that after all this time? I can't seem to shake it.

Friday, September 17, 2010

I think I ought to get this out now and be done with it....

Many were unaware of this but here it is.

I was offered embryos months ago from a gorgeous, caring, loving couple that emailed me out of the blue to let me know they wanted us to have them. I was so touched and really shocked. I hadn't done my last IVF cycle yet. But after receiving such a email I thought this might be God's gift to us. This is really the route he wants me to go on. We did our last IVF cycle anyway, but knowing I had these precious gifts waiting if things didn't go well for us, was so comforting.

Last week I got a Reproductive Attorney and got things rolling. I just sent the contract info sheet by fax yesterday to get the drawing of the contract in motion.

On Monday, she gave birth to her beautiful twin boys. They were earlier than expected and one is struggling right now. They need care to get strong and grow. I got an email last night from her and she said they had a change of heart this week. Being very emotional from her babies being in the hospital and after giving birth as can be expected, the offer is no more. They are now not sure they don't want anymore children in the future and wish to keep their embryos.

I am crushed, hurt, numb, my eyes can not cry anymore due to the pain they feel. I walk around with my heart ripped out of my chest, but what can I do? Nothing. This is the end of my journey.

Take care and God Bless everyone.


Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I couldn't of said it any better.....

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I will count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

Thursday, August 19, 2010


Well here I am, on my FINAL IVF journey. Well with my own eggs that is. Now I wait to see if it worked. Not feeling like it did, but again it's very early in the game. Game??? Why would I even say that? I guess after so many years of this I don't know what to call it anymore.

Here are my stats from this cycle:

IVF #4
Egg Retrieval was 8/15 (13 eggs - 6 mature - 5 fertilized)
Egg Transfer was 8/18 a 3 day transfer. We transferred all 5 embies
Beta is on 9/2/10

Praying for my MIRACLE

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Momma I'm comin HOME!!

Well folks we're heading out to Montreal in about an hour or so. I wanted to stop on my blog and tell you so, so you wouldn't think I wasn't 'updating' again for a long period of time lol.

I can't wait to see my family. I miss them all so much.

I'll be back in town on August 1st and starting stims once AF shows up probably around August 4th or so.

Ok well, I'm off!!!


God Bless.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Change in protocol!!

We still have a plan as my previous post indicates, but it's one with a new protocol! I got a call from my nurse last week stating that my RE wants me to do the Antagonist protocol. Which consist of NO BIRTH CONTROL! The sad part is I had just purchased the darn things a day prior to her phone call and they are a whopping $70!! :-0

With that said, I have a completely different med order which would be costing me over $1000 not including my meds for stimming in August. YIKES! Lord help me. So, I couldn't afford the Ganirelix shots from the pharmacy, so I got right on my search for donations or less expensive purchases of the stuff. So far I lucked out and need just 3 more. (RE order for 9 of them).

We're leaving this Sunday for 2 weeks to Montreal, Quebec to visit my family!! I'm so happy to FINALLY be going HOME <3 I will have to bring a few shots and patches with me as my protocol requires it towards the end of my vacation there. No big deal. I want to be ready to start my IVF process when I get back the first week of August versus having to do this part then and push the IVF cycle to September.

Well that's the updated news for me. I probably won't be around til August.

God Bless,


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

There's a plan in sight!! :)

Well I'm excited to announce that I just got the call. AF showed today and I called my RE's office to see if I should start BCP's with this cycle or wait til August. She said that my Dr wants me to take them for only 14 days. He doesn't want to surpress me as much this time around. So I was happy about that, but if I started them this week my ER and ET dates would fall at the end of this month & I can't do it, I'll be away in Montreal. So I'll be starting them with AF in August as originally planned. :) Why try to 'rush' things at this point. I've been on a break for 6 months now. One more month won't hurt. I kind of did a rough calculation and my ER and ET should fall the first week of September (hubby's b-day is Sept 6). I'm getting my mind set now!! Finally a plan in sight! :)

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Still on a break

But so looking forward to our next IVF cycle in Aug/Sept!

Hi folks! Sorry I've been away alot. I've been busy with work, healing, losing weight, planning my trip home, etc. I've been doing well. Taking my Omega's, vitamins, DHEA, to name a few. Working on my eggies for our next round in hopes to have the BEST cycle ever!!

July 18th we're heading out of town to visit my family in Montreal(Canada). We'll be there for 2 weeks and then some of my family will be coming back with me to visit for a week. I can't wait to see and hang with everyone. I'm very close to my family. We always laugh and have a good time. :) I miss my Mom everyday.

This is good. This break has been hard and good at the same time. I catch myself thinking of where I would be right now in my pregnancy but the pain is not as pronounced. It doesn't have that same harsh sting like it used to. I would be 36 right now :-/ I can't believe it's been over 6 months since my miscarriage. Where does time go??? I did have some medical (female issues) setbacks while on my break. It was pretty bad and uncomfortable, but I got through it and all is well thank the Lord.

I will be starting Acupuncture on August 9th, after family leaves. I will be on birth control in August to prepare for the end of Aug early Septembers' IVF cycle. I hope and pray there will be no set backs or troubles that occur when we do start. I will KUP.

Much blessings,


Thursday, May 27, 2010

A simple update....

HI everyone. Sorry I haven't updated my blog since April, but I've just had trouble doing so. I don't even post that much on my pregnancy site that I've been part of for over 2 years.

To put it in a nutshell, I'm just doing my thing. LIFE. I've been trying to lose weight, 10lbs so far. It's a slow process and I know if I pushed myself harder it would come off alot quicker, but to tell you the truth, I don't feel like it.

I got some 'women issue' lately that have taken away my uplift to even TTC naturally. Not sure what it was YI or what! I'm really thinking it was a break down of all I went through. All the stress a person goes through like I have is bound to produce some kind of mess and it was surely a mess!! Pain, name it. I would cry everytime I would need to use the restroom. Things are getting alot better now, thank God.

Other than that I planned a vacation home (Montreal) for a week and 1/2. I'm excited about that. We'll leave July 21 and come back on August 1. My sister and BIL will be coming back with us and taking the train back home.

I'm contemplating starting BCP's in August instead of July and doing my IVF cycle at the beginning of September instead. I would hate to be in the midst of injections when my sister is here visiting, but I'll see when AF shows up in July and decide, well calculate how things will fall in August. If it don't interfere with their stay, then I'll start BCP's in July.

So that's about it. Simply enough of an update, but still an update.

Thanks for thinking of me.

God Bless.


Heavenly Father, I give to You every area of my heart. I give You my questions, my disappointments, my doubts and fears. I choose to trade my sorrow for Your joy. I choose to press past my mountains so I can embrace the promises You have in store for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Friday, April 16, 2010

August IVF

I have finally made up my mind and with this 'mind set' I can enjoy the rest of my summer and prepare my body and soul for IVF. We decided last night after talking to my sister (from Montreal) about vacations that we will probably be doing our final IVF attempt in August. I'm starting my DHEA and several supplements today, first to help with weight loss and also egg quality for 3 months from now as many suggest when preparing your body for IVF (at an older age). I really think I can relax now and just enjoy my summer and maybe find some peace within and also encouragement to look forward to trying again. Being in a better frame of mind by then.

Hubby and I will be going to Montreal for 7 days at the end of July this way I can see my Mom. My sister and BIL have 2 weeks vacation at the beginning of August, so they'll follow us back when we leave to come back home. They'll be staying for a week. Then my brother and his wife will be coming the 2nd week of August to stay. I think it will work out that we can do our cycle sometime in August, even if they're here, it's no big deal if I start stimming (injections) when they are long as my egg retreival is not during that time. I will feel things out as time gets closer with AF(period) and all. At least I'm finally *wanting* to try again. For weeks now I have not had the desire to commit or even really embrace the thought.

No signs of AF(period) yet. It's not like I even know when she should be. I'm a bit confused on dates and when at this point with having cancelled IVF during stimming. And it's not like I can be pregnant because we haven't even done the 'duty' in so long. So with that said, again I wait for her arrival to get a general feel of timing in months ahead.

So that's my update. Thought I'd share as I haven't really been posting much.

God Bless.


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Broken hearts do heal in time

I know I'm not posting much anymore. I thought about my blog today and thought I'd give an update.

As you all know since the 'meltdown' I put myself on a much needed break from all fertility treatments. I will say so far on this break, I've lost 8lbs and have more energy and just hate sitting around anymore. Before, my life was consumed with posting on blog, the pregnancy forum I've been a member for 2 years now & researching every aspect of IVF and symptoms, etc. This is a real treat for me. Don't get me wrong, I wish I was well and ready to embark on another cycle, but I know I need to find that place again before I do. I need to find peace within.

Many times my thoughts do get the best of me and I think of how far along I'd be right now (almost 21 weeks). There's this girl on the pregnancy site that got pregnant exactly when I did, infact we had the same due dates. I won't lie, seeing her ticker too often brings me to a place I don't like to be. It hurts. Not in anyway towards her, God no, but it's that 'reminder' that hurts. So I try to stay away and limit myself from that pain.

I have thought about my next cycle. Kind of pondering over when I *think* I will want to do it. I'm feeling July for some reason, but we'll see. I have till October 2010 to use my last approved IVF cycle, but I really don't want to wait that long to try again incase of complications as I've been through so many this year for some reason. A jinx maybe????? Who knows. Just bad timing I guess or better yet, God's way of telling me to take care of me and prepare my body for his blessing. I like to think so in that way.

I will KUP!

God Bless.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Emotional considerations after miscarriage

Miscarriage is the loss of baby during the earlier weeks of pregnancy and is something that affects many women, their partners (if there is one), older siblings, family and friends. Losing a baby through miscarriage is a heartbreaking experience, no matter how early in the pregnancy it happens, usually rousing deep feelings and emotional reactions.

This can add to a deeper dimension of loss and grief. Women bond with their baby as soon as they know they are pregnant, some even before this time while they are trying to conceive. After a miscarriage, many women feel that no one really understands what they are going through.

It can be of great help if you have close friends and relatives who understand your loss. It is amazing how many others will start to share with you their own experiences of miscarriage (even people who did not previously let you know this had happened for them). This can give you a sense of not being alone and a degree of hope if they have gone on to have a healthy baby. However, being told by others that "It wasn't meant to be.' or "You will have another baby soon.' is not really helpful. It also dismisses the importance of the child you have lost and fails to validate your grieving.

Going through the process of expressing and exploring your feelings doesn't alter the loss, but it can move the pain into some form of acceptance. When talking with women about past miscarriages (even several years later) it is not uncommon to see how painful and raw their sadness still is, especially if they were not given opportunities to openly deal with their grief at the time.

The reactions of caregivers at this time can leave a lasting impression. If the professionals you deal with are compassionate, sympathetic and caring, this can make the miscarriage experience much easier to bear. However, if your caregiver comes across as being very matter-of-fact and uncaring (perhaps they are busy and it is true they do deal with miscarriages all the time) this can increase your feelings of anger and resentment. For some women it is enough for them to make arrangements so they do not need to associate with them again in the future.

The final Meltdown

I'm here to say that I have hit rock bottom. Something I didn't know or want to except that I was still feeling. After yesterdays first ultra sound and blood work appt since starting injections on Sunday, it was by far the least encouraging appt yet. The cyst was still there, even though they said it was not doing anything but being a nusense, it still bothered me. The tech could hardly see any follicles in my ovaries, which was not normal for me. I've always had a great egg count.

With this said, I had a meltdown this morning. I mean bigtime. Right in Target. I was balling my eyes out, a complete mess. I've been having so many migraines and sinus issues for the past week that I am a walking basket case. Full of stress & overbearing emotions.

I just got off the phone with my nurse and let her know that I want and need a break. A mental and emotional break from it all. I cried so hard that my head is pounding profusely. Out of control. My body, heart and soul that is. I am truly somewhere not healthy. I am not over my miscarriage and all that came after it. I need time to heal and be ready for this journey (being my last approved cycle) in much better form.

The nurse told me that I need to talk to Darlene (the insurance lady for Shady Grove) and make sure that this will not count as my IVF cycle. She's seen it happen to another lady and it was devasting. I will be very very upset if they 'make' me do this cycle. I told her that we could say that the cyst is still an issue. It's not like I got to egg retreival or anything yet. So I'm waiting for her call, of course she wasn't in her office. Now something else to keep me on the edge. :(

My Dr called. He said he understands and went over somethings with me to make sure I wasn't beyond 'depressed' and maybe thinking of 'hurting myself' as many people think when they are beyond the breaking point. I'm depressed, I will admit that, but won't kill myself. I need time. Time heals all wounds they say, so I will do just that. Not think about IVF or TTC. Just enjoy some time away, take a few weekend trips and a week in VA Beach maybe in July. He reassured me that whatever amount they're charging me for the resent ultra sounds and blood work he will waive and NOT apply it to my resent start of this cycle. He said the deposit I already gave will be held for when I'm ready to come back to try again. I need to pamper myself and spend loving time with my husband. He's a good man he said and he needs to be there for you. He also told me that I have alot of strength and perseverence and will get through this. He shared with me that he and his wife suffered a miscarriage as well and it is very hard. He was very compassionate and warm.

With all that said, I will say, I am crushed. My heart is weighing heavy, but I know it was the right thing to do.

God Bless.


Saturday, March 20, 2010


I am happy to FINALLY announce that we have the 'OK' or as I put it 'THE GREEN LIGHT' to start our next (and final) IVF cycle! May God bless us with a healthy pregnancy and child.

I started my injections last night. Here's to the next 10-12 days! My heart, soul and body is READY!

Lord open my womb for the blessing I am about to receive. AMEN.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Cyst Update

Well the cyst was bigger on the u/s screen, but the call just came and my E2 is now 53 (it was 132 last Wednesday). The nurse told me that's why they don't go off the u/s measurements alone. They wait for the E2 results. So if I DARE to say, that's SOMEWHAT good news. I did tell the nurse that this was my LAST IVF attempt and I do not want to go forth if there's any chance of this not being my best cycle I could possible have and the cyst being the end factor of it, because Shady Grove WILL be doing another round for free. She said they will NOT start me if they don't feel everything is ok to do so. Well.....I know how things go sometimes and I want to make sure my VOICE is heard loud and clear on this matter. God knows how badly I want to get started, but after all I've been through I will hold off and even skip another month to make things perfect if I have to.

I have to take BCP tonight and tomorrow and go back Friday for a repeat to see where we're at.

I will KUP.

God Bless.

Friday, March 12, 2010

I am a child of the Most High God

We serve a God of restoration! You may have had some disappointments or unfair things happen in your life; but instead of dwelling on the past and living in defeat, choose to focus on His promises because God wants to restore everything that's been stolen from your life. He wants to restore your joy, your peace, your health, and your finances. But here's the key: you have to have a vision for it. You have to get your hopes up and decide to get your thoughts and words going in the right direction.

Today, choose to focus on the future and release past hurts through forgiveness. Draw a line in the sand and say, "I am a child of the Most High God, and I'm not going to live my life negative and defeated. This is a new day, and I'm taking back what belongs to me!" That's having a restoration mentality!

Heavenly Father, thank You for choosing to restore my life. Thank You for the truth of Your Word that sets me free. Fill me with Your power today so that I may stand strong and move forward on the path You have for me. I love You and bless Your Name. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ovarian Cyst

Here I go again with ANOTHER post that is to simple put, depressing. I know lately that's all I've been about. One thing after another. :(

They found a cyst in my left ovary on Monday. My E2 level was 92 so they told me to continue birth control and come back Wednesday. Well of course, my streak of 'good luck' has completed vanished since God knows when. Oh yeah, I remember, December 26th. Anyway, long story short, my E2 on Wednesday was 132. So the cyst is a 'functional' one and will be causing a huge delay in starting our final IVF cycle. Not sure why I'm going through all these heartbreaking times....but I'm sure God has a plan. I just never understand. :(

I am to be on birth control for another week, I go back for another check next Wednesday (March 17). Luck of the Irish maybe???? HA! Not for me I'm sure.

If you want to read about the cyst I have, go here:

Monday, March 8, 2010

Another set back....

Quick update. Well, I went in this morning to have blood work and an ultra sound to make sure all was well (ovaries etc) to start injects on Wednesday and the tech found a cyst on my left ovary. I am in such shock as to how many ordeals I've been going through since December 26th (my miscarriage day).

As I was getting dressed after my appointment, I spoke with God. I told Him that I'm giving the ENTIRE cycle to Him. I can not be stressed about it. I can only do what I can do.

I have to continue birth control pills and go back on Wednesday morning for a repeat appt. I'll KUP. :-/

God Bless

Sunday, March 7, 2010

My baby's home is ready!

Well good news....well more so....GREAT NEWS for once in a long time it seems. Friday's saline ultra sound went really well. My uterus is back to health and we were given the GREEN LIGHT!

I'm trying to really dig deep into my heart and soul and find the strength to disregard my emotions about this being our LAST IVF cycle due to insurance benefit rules. As a good friend of mine told me the other day. I have to pray for specifics. I need to pray for just those specific needs right now. A BFP & healthy baby. A live birth and our precious MIRACLE to love and hold in 9 months. So Lord, here is my prayer:

Dear Lord,

I come to you at the end of my road of Hope on this IVF journey. I know you've seen and been through my trials with me this whole time. You have blessed me thus far a million times over in my life even though at times I feel I'm missing the biggest blessing of all, and that's to carry a child full term to love and hold in arms. I pray to you today that you keep a special watch over my last IVF cycle. Bless us with a beautiful outcome from start to finish. I love you God. With you and through you, ALL things are possible. I know you are proud of my strength and perserverence. I feel your Love everyday. Please answer this request. This IVF cycle is my only chance left through mans decision, but not yours. I pray to you today and everyday that we are blessed with a pregnancy in the next fews weeks. That we bring home our miracle in 9 months. A healthy baby to love and cherish for the rest of our lives. AMEN.

"Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1)

God Bless.


Thursday, March 4, 2010

Letter came...

Well last night I came home to a letter in the mail from the clinic. It was our authorization letter for this upcoming IVF cycle, but in that letter came heart ripping news. This is our LAST approved cycle. There will be no more.

I'm having a hard time with this. I keep praying and talking out loud to God asking him to help me again. For this next time work. That we are blessed with child (a live birth). I can not bear the thought of this road ending without a child to hold. We've come so far. I'm so scared.

Please pray for us. Pray to God for our blessing of conceiving a child and holding this child in 9 months. My heart weeps for the unknown of what might never be. I hate going into this cycle feeling defeated, but I can't help it. I need to find strength, optimism & have FAITH that this will happen. It has to after all I've been through to get here.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Trying again for our MIRACLE

I've had alot of emotions and 'bad' health issues since my miscarriage back in December. I had to have a Hysteroscopy and D&C on Friday, February 19th (my birthday btw), but I was ready to get 'cleared' out!! This was going on for too long. My RE found remaining tissue in my last saline ultra sound which just made me almost jump off that mountain. >:-/

I must say, I am totally convinced that what was left in my uterus (tissue, etc) was the cause of me feeling so badly. My lower back pain was so bad for over a month could hardly get out of bed. My body was a mess, always sore all over. I had no energy....the list goes on & on! I added vitamin B6 too and was taking all the other stuff (prenatals, royal jelly etc) and I knew something wasn't right for me NOT to feel good. I mean geez....vitamins/herbs are suppose to make you feel better not worse. So with that said, I am feeling 100%!!! I have alot more energy as the days go by since my surgery. I'm feeling pretty good so far on these BCP's (new one my RE prescribed). I am finally feeling happy inside again. RENEWED maybe?? Whatever it is, I'll take it after all I've been through and the heartache.

I'll have another saline ultra sound in a few weeks to make sure all is well and if so, then we're off! I got my protocol from my nurse. Estimated Egg retrieval date is 3/24 & estimated Egg Transfer is 3/27 or 3/29. I start acupuncture again tomorrow (Thursday, February 25) and then twice a week for 4 weeks.

I'm getting excited once again and I'm happy about that. I didn't think I would ever have happy days emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I still have pain in my heart and think of my baby all the time and still grieve for him/her, but I am ready to try again and those are healthy thoughts again.

I'll be keeping you all updated as things progress.

God Bless.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

A new Beginning...

Sorry I haven't been posting much other than Prayers, but I really haven't had the strength to go on and on about my time of limbo. My heart hurt too much and really didn't have the strength to share. I wanted to stop by today and at least tell you where we're at.

To make a long story short. Today was a very hurtful day. First and foremost because of having a D&C on my birthday. Then to have my step daughter create her 'usual' derespectful tantics that started yesterday into today that got me so angry. Adding more hurt to my soul at this awful moment in my life. Uncalled for and Unforgiving. Plain and simple. Always about herself. It would take days and pages of posts to ever describe to you all what I've been through with that child since she was 13 yrs old (she is now 21). So I'll just leave it at I pretty much told her to 'grow up and get over herself!" Moving on....

So tomorrow I'm taking the day to celebrate MY BIRTHDAY. As today I really couldn't even though I did have a few beers with pizza for dinner, but I'm so exhausted from being put 'under' today....tomorrow I'm waking up renewed & embracing a NEW day.

As I mentioned above, I had a D&C today. Yes, it was still tissue remaining from the miscarriage that was removed and my uterus lining scraped. With this done, I now wait for my period to show up. I'm assuming about a month or so. Then another saline u/s will be performed to make sure my uterus is clear and hopefully I'm FINALLY good to go. I'm going to take this 'extra' time and keep taking the DHEA and Royal Jelly to help with egg quality. Hopefully this is what God's intentions were for me. ~Praying~

As always, I will continue to keep my FAITH, and HOPE and PRAY that there will be my 'golden egg' next time around that will finally bring home my bundle of joy to hold in my arms come January of next year.

Good Night girls. Have a great weekend!

~God Bless~


Monday, February 15, 2010

Each Day

"Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to You and wait expectantly"
(Psalm 5:3, NLT)

What are some of the things you do each day? We are all creatures of habit in one way or another, but can you say like the Psalmist that you wait expectantly each day? Most people find it easier to follow the first part of this verse. They bring their requests each day; but really, the key to seeing God move in your life is found in the second part—to wait expectantly each and every day.

When you go out with an attitude of faith and expectancy, you are opening the door for God to move on your behalf. You are declaring with your actions that you trust Him. That's why it's so important to feed your faith every day by spending time with Him. So today, make time to study His Word. Take time to bring your requests to Him. Then, go out with an attitude of expectancy and watch what God will do on your behalf!

Father God, I dedicate this day to You. Thank You for all the blessings You have prepared for me. I wait expectantly on You today knowing that You are working behind the scenes on my behalf. In Jesus' Name.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Trust God to Do it His Way

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts"
(Isaiah 55:9, NIV)

Every person has things they're believing for, situations they want to see changed, and dreams God has placed in their hearts. But sometimes, we try to figure out how it's all going to happen. If we're not careful, we'll put God in a box and try to tell Him how to do it, when to do it, and where to do it. Today's scripture tells us that God's ways are not our ways. They are higher and better than our ways.

If you don't get your way, if things don't happen on your timetable, instead of getting discouraged, why don't you believe that God has something better in store? Just because it doesn't happen your way doesn't mean it's not going to happen. Remember, God has a plan. He's got it all figured out. Don't limit Him by trying to get it done your way. Instead, simply say, "God, I'm trusting You. I know You have my best interest at heart. And even if I don't get my way, I'm going to stay open and believe that You're still directing my steps into the abundant life You have for me."

Heavenly Father, I choose to trust You. I cast my cares on You. I give You my plans, dreams, and desires for the future. Thank You for working behind the scenes on my behalf. Give me Your peace as I wait patiently to see Your plan unfold. In Jesus' Name.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The Truth is........

1. The truth ISN'T that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.

The truth IS that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.

2. The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget.

The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.

3. The truth isn't that pills or alcohol will dull the pain.

The truth is that they will merely postpone the reality you must eventually face in order to begin healing. However, if your doctor feels that medication is necessary to help maintain your health, use it intelligently and according to his/her instructions.

4. The truth isn't that once this is over your life will be the same.

The truth is that your upside-down world will slowly settle down, hopefully leaving you a more sensitive, compassionate person, better prepared to handle the hard times that everyone must deal with sooner or later. When you consider that you have just experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a family, as you heal you will become aware of how strong you are.

5. The truth isn't that grieving is morbid, or a sign of weakness or mental instability.

The truth is that grieving is work that must be done. Now is the appropriate time. Allow yourself the time. Feel it, flow with it. Try not to fight it too often. It will get easier if you expect that it is variable, that some days are better than others. Be patient with yourself. There are no short cuts to healing. The active grieving will be over when all the work is done.

6. The truth isn't that grief is all-consuming.

The truth is that in the midst of the most agonizing time of your life, there will be laughter. Don't feel guilty. Laugh if you want to. Just as you must allow yourself the time to grieve, you must also allow yourself the time to laugh. Viewing laughter as part of the healing process, just as overwhelming sadness is now, will make the pain more bearable.

7. The truth isn't that one person can bear this alone.

The truth is that while only you can make the choices necessary to return to the mainstream of life a healed person, others in your life are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. As unfair as it may seem, the burden of remaining in contact with family and friends often falls on you. They are afraid to "butt in," or they may be fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes them feel even more helpless. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. They don't need to be told, "I'm doing fine" when you're really NOT doing fine. By allowing others to share in your pain and assist you with your needs, you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.

8. The truth isn't that God must be punishing you for something.

The truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people after you. This was not an act of any God; it was an act of Nature. It isn't fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially when there are so few answers to the question, "Why?" Sometimes there are answers. Most times there are not. Believing that you are being punished will only get in the way of your healing.

9. The truth isn't that you will be unable to make any choices or decisions during this time.

The truth is that while major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs, are better off being postponed for now, life goes on. It will be difficult, but decisions dealing with the death of your baby (seeing and naming the baby, arranging and/or attending a religious ritual, taking care of the nursery items you have acquired) are all choices you can make for yourself. Well-meaning people will try to shelter you from the pain of this. However, many of us who have suffered similar losses agree that these first decisions are very important. They help to make the loss real. Our brains filter out much of the pain early on as a way to protect us. Very soon after that, we find ourselves reliving the events over and over, trying to remember everything. This is another way that we acknowledge the loss. Until the loss is real, grieving cannot begin. Being involved at this early time will be a painful experience, but it will help you deal with your grief better as you progress by providing comforting memories of having performed loving, caring acts for your baby.

10. The truth isn't that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.

The truth is that you may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You may wonder why you couldn't have had that joy. You may be resentful, or refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you must be a dreadful person. You aren't. You're human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the same things you are. Forgive yourself. It's OK. These feelings will eventually go away.

11. The truth isn't that all marriages survive this difficult time.

The truth is that sometimes you might blame one another, resent one another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening, get help. There are self-help groups available or grief counselors who can help. Don't ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better. It won't. Actively grieving people cannot help one another. It is unrealistic, like having two people who were blinded at the same time teach each other Braille. Talking it out with others may help. It might even save your marriage.

12. The truth isn't that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time.

The truth is that acceptance is a word reserved for the understanding you come to when you've successfully grieved the loss of a parent, or a grandparent, or a beloved older relative. When you lose a child, your whole future has been affected, not your past. No one can really accept that. But there is resolution in the form of healing and learning how to cope. You will survive. Many of us who have gone through this type of grief are afraid we might forget about our babies once we begin to heal. This won't happen. You will always remember your precious baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where he or she will live forever.

Monday, January 4, 2010

A Break :(

I'm on a break....emotions are high, trying to get myself back together again. I guess I now know what 'Humpty Dumpty' felt like.

We'll probably do another IVF cycle (#4) in March I would think. That's if my body goes back to normal by then & of course if I find the meds that I need for it. If there's anyone reading this or know of someone who has any Follistim left over and wishes to donate them, feel free to email me:

I'm so depressed just thinking about doing it all again. First a month of birth control pills, then the shots, the running up the road every other day, then everyday towards the end, then staying at a hotel going under anesthesia again, then waiting on the news of how many fertilized and make it to day 3 or even day 5 if I'm so blessed a second time around. Then going back up the road 2 1/2 hours for Egg Transfer & then of course the dreadful 2 week wait....Hoping and Praying that it worked. And if I'm blessed again, just to worry all over again if I'm going to miscarry.

I just don't know anymore...I'm feeling really down and out. I guess I'm at 'a pitty party' that only I am invited to.

God Bless.