There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I will count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
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4 comments:
praying for you my freind. I know EXACTLY how you feel today. 3rd BFN on IVF and I am so tired emotionally. Why cant this be easy for me ? for you? why do some women have to suffer this way? I wish I knew.
Prayers for you my freind.....
Heather, I'm with you. AF started showing her signs today. I've known it was a BFN before Sept 2 (Thurs) blood work. Our final IVF (4th). :(
Not much on Faith these days....
Lorrie, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm still hoping for a miracle on 9/2.
Thanks WSU505. AF showed up today. It's ok. This is why I test early. I could NEVER wait for beta as some do. I need to cry alot more before I get past the sadness. Well I'm lying cause I really never do get past it, but I get somewhere beyond that point. I've had a rough time these last 5 days or so knowing the outcome. Tomorrow is just an annoying 2 hr drive to the clinic to satisfy them with blood work, not me. I already know the results.
We'll be moving on to donor.
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