Emotional considerations after miscarriage

Miscarriage is the loss of baby during the earlier weeks of pregnancy and is something that affects many women, their partners (if there is one), older siblings, family and friends. Losing a baby through miscarriage is a heartbreaking experience, no matter how early in the pregnancy it happens, usually rousing deep feelings and emotional reactions.

This can add to a deeper dimension of loss and grief. Women bond with their baby as soon as they know they are pregnant, some even before this time while they are trying to conceive. After a miscarriage, many women feel that no one really understands what they are going through.

It can be of great help if you have close friends and relatives who understand your loss. It is amazing how many others will start to share with you their own experiences of miscarriage (even people who did not previously let you know this had happened for them). This can give you a sense of not being alone and a degree of hope if they have gone on to have a healthy baby. However, being told by others that "It wasn't meant to be.' or "You will have another baby soon.' is not really helpful. It also dismisses the importance of the child you have lost and fails to validate your grieving.

Going through the process of expressing and exploring your feelings doesn't alter the loss, but it can move the pain into some form of acceptance. When talking with women about past miscarriages (even several years later) it is not uncommon to see how painful and raw their sadness still is, especially if they were not given opportunities to openly deal with their grief at the time.

The reactions of caregivers at this time can leave a lasting impression. If the professionals you deal with are compassionate, sympathetic and caring, this can make the miscarriage experience much easier to bear. However, if your caregiver comes across as being very matter-of-fact and uncaring (perhaps they are busy and it is true they do deal with miscarriages all the time) this can increase your feelings of anger and resentment. For some women it is enough for them to make arrangements so they do not need to associate with them again in the future.