The final Meltdown

I'm here to say that I have hit rock bottom. Something I didn't know or want to except that I was still feeling. After yesterdays first ultra sound and blood work appt since starting injections on Sunday, it was by far the least encouraging appt yet. The cyst was still there, even though they said it was not doing anything but being a nusense, it still bothered me. The tech could hardly see any follicles in my ovaries, which was not normal for me. I've always had a great egg count.

With this said, I had a meltdown this morning. I mean bigtime. Right in Target. I was balling my eyes out, a complete mess. I've been having so many migraines and sinus issues for the past week that I am a walking basket case. Full of stress & overbearing emotions.

I just got off the phone with my nurse and let her know that I want and need a break. A mental and emotional break from it all. I cried so hard that my head is pounding profusely. Out of control. My body, heart and soul that is. I am truly somewhere not healthy. I am not over my miscarriage and all that came after it. I need time to heal and be ready for this journey (being my last approved cycle) in much better form.

The nurse told me that I need to talk to Darlene (the insurance lady for Shady Grove) and make sure that this will not count as my IVF cycle. She's seen it happen to another lady and it was devasting. I will be very very upset if they 'make' me do this cycle. I told her that we could say that the cyst is still an issue. It's not like I got to egg retreival or anything yet. So I'm waiting for her call, of course she wasn't in her office. Now something else to keep me on the edge. :(

My Dr called. He said he understands and went over somethings with me to make sure I wasn't beyond 'depressed' and maybe thinking of 'hurting myself' as many people think when they are beyond the breaking point. I'm depressed, I will admit that, but won't kill myself. I need time. Time heals all wounds they say, so I will do just that. Not think about IVF or TTC. Just enjoy some time away, take a few weekend trips and a week in VA Beach maybe in July. He reassured me that whatever amount they're charging me for the resent ultra sounds and blood work he will waive and NOT apply it to my resent start of this cycle. He said the deposit I already gave will be held for when I'm ready to come back to try again. I need to pamper myself and spend loving time with my husband. He's a good man he said and he needs to be there for you. He also told me that I have alot of strength and perseverence and will get through this. He shared with me that he and his wife suffered a miscarriage as well and it is very hard. He was very compassionate and warm.

With all that said, I will say, I am crushed. My heart is weighing heavy, but I know it was the right thing to do.

God Bless.

Lorrie