Thanks everyone for the kind words.
I'm Sad, Lost, Empty to name a few.....oh yes, can't forget ANGRY. I guess it's a process...
I'm just so tired, emotionally and mentally. I guess my Dr was right about my eggs. Yes, I produce many still at my age. Yes, I made they made it to blast this time, which was a shock. Yes, most of my eggs generally look of great quality, but it doesn't mean they are.
I keep thinking about my baby. I keep having to tell myself that there was something wrong chromosonally (sp?) with him/her and that's why it didn't make it. I told Tom a few minutes ago on the phone that I really miss having a baby inside me. I felt so much love and happiness, but I will say that the bleeding day in and day out took it's toll on me. I was stressed. I was sick of hearing how 'normal' it is to bleed. I hated it. I want none of that next time. If there is a next time. I can't even wrap my mind around it, but I know if I want a baby I'm going to have to.
I'm still bleeding pretty heavy. Cramping and lower back pains still. I guess AF like symptoms even though I know they're not. They're from my baby being gone and my uterus shedding all that's left behind.
It's a hard day today. I called my clinic. Finally got up the nerve to let them know I m/c on Saturday and went to the ER. My nurse said to bring the paperwork on Wednesday. They'll still want to do an u/s to make sure everything is ok. I hope they don't want to do a D & C on me. I wouldn't think so knowing I passed everything. for that. Couldn't bare to go through anything else 'down there' right now. I think that will be what brakes the 'camels back' if they do.
I'm back at work today. I pulled in the parking lot this morning and started balling my eyes out. Sat in my truck for about 5-10mins just crying and thinking that the last time I was here I was pg. It just breaks my heart so much.
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Lorrie, I left you a copy of this prayer on the thread too. I hope it helps some although I know no words will really help. Just know I love you!
My Lord, the baby is gone!
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why?
It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
And the Lord replied...
“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’?"
Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity. ~Mother M. Angelica
I'm sorry, I know that the pain will eventually ease... but it will never go away compleatly. You are in my thoughts.
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