New Job with IVF COVERAGE! A waste......

Tom and went for our consult with the RE at Shady Grove on 12-23-11 with excitement & relief that we finally had another 3 tries (knowing these would be our last) to bring home our miracle in 2012. But much to our surprise he declined to take me on with my own eggs. He said he could not sleep with a clear conscious if he did. He thinks my time is up with my own eggs. He said that that's his opinion from his heart. He offered to present it to the board of RE's (over 40 of them he said) at the clinic and he will not vote on it and let them do so after he gets my Day 3 numbers with my next period in January. He knows the board will want to know my numbers before they say yah or nae to see how my ovaries are functioning & my reserve.

I won't lie, I sat back in my chair is dismay. I couldn't believe I was finally back with coverage, including meds this time and the unimaginable has happened. Of course he encouraged me to go the donor egg route which by all means, if I had $29,000 I would do it in a heartbeat!!!! So he offered to take $2000 off and have me apply for something they call 'Shared Help' where you can receive an additional 10-30% off treatment if we qualify. That would help a whole lot if we were to get 30% off we'd probably be looking at around $19,000 for the shared risk program (1:3). That is 6 attempts for that price and if you don't bring a baby home you get your money back.

That's all fine and dandy. Again, I would JUMP ON IT IN A NEW YORK MINUTE if I could get a loan. The sad thing is in the 'real' world you can easily get a car loan no sweat, but go into a bank for a personal loan to have a baby, and that won't happen. Like Tom said, "When there's no collateral, what are they going to do....take the baby if you don't pay???" of course he was acting like a smart @ss about the whole thing, but it's disheartening for him too.

So I guess the plan right now is to get January's Day 3 blood work done to see what my 'numbers' are and go from there with the board’s decision. In the meantime, I’ll work on applying for the shared help and applying at the Fertility Finance place too. Not too hopeful there as we were previously denied a few years ago.

I can't say that I'm feeling sad, not sure why. Maybe deep down inside I know my Faith will prevail. When the world crashes down on you, I never stop praying and talking to God, because no matter what, it was never about them. In the end it's God who leads me to the right moment, opportunites and blessings.

I'll kuap.

God Bless.

Positive change isn’t a matter of the will. Rather, it’s a matter of being willing to do whatever it takes. When I am not willing, no matter how much I say I want to change, it will not happen. I am only playing a word game, and everyone understands what I am saying.

The difference between the will and being willing is great. Making my dreams come true doesn’t require an iron will. I don’t need an indomitable spirit before I start the journey. I don’t need to spend years pumping myself up in preparation for the moment that will takes over, sweeps me off my feet, and carries me to total victory. That is a fairy tale of the will. No one has a mountain of will that sweeps away all opposition.

I don’t need a massive will to succeed. I do need a willingness to do whatever is required to make my dreams happen. Although I don’t have an iron will, I do have a willingness to work around, go through, over, or under whatever obstacles get in the way. This is a quiet willingness. Eloquent speeches of dramatic resolve aren’t part of the script. I simply get on with the business of living my dreams. Every day I focus on my purpose and act on my plan, because I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my dreams come true.

Remembering my Angel...

It hurts my heart to no end to have had the chance to finally see a little baby growing inside of me and heartbeat to have him/her taken away from me shy of 7 weeks.

December 26, 2009 ~ RIP my little angel - I will see you again one day.


Representative Gingrey from Georgia, spoke words that totally hit home for me:

Mr. Speaker, I think the importance of this resolution is to let people know that when couples have a miscarriage, it is a child. It might be for some people, well, it is just a miscarriage. They were only 6 weeks or they were only 9 weeks, and they did not even know whether it was a boy or girl. But in the minds of that couple in many instances it is their very first pregnancy, and they are already thinking about that little boy or the little girl and what the name is going to be and the clothes that they are going to pick out and the joys they are going to have sending that child to school and raising it and seeing it play sports and become an adult some day and contribute to our great society. We tend to forget that. And this was brought home to me pretty vividly recently when my daughter-in-law, pregnant with their first child, found out at 10 weeks that the baby did not have a heartbeat. And so that baby was lost. And she went on, of course, and miscarried. And that loss will be with them forever. And so I think it is just so important for us all to realize that when somebody, when you hear about somebody having a miscarriage, do not think, well, it was just a miscarriage, it is not like losing a child or an older child, which of course I do not know that anything compares to that. But this is a significant loss. And that is why this resolution today is so important.

Thanks to my dear friend Tracey for sharing the words from Representative Gingrey.

Joel Osteen ALWAYS changes my Black Cloud into Sunshine of HOPE

Let Those Doors Close
Posted by Joel Osteen on 10/7/2011

Years ago, I walked into a government building. There were two sets of double doors about 15 feet apart. They were both automatic doors. In order for the second set of doors to open, you had to let the first set of doors totally close. As long as I stayed near the first set of doors, the next set would not open. I had to go beyond a certain point to trigger the second set of doors. Really, it's the same way in life. You have to move beyond your past disappointments, move beyond your failures, and move beyond the hurt. You have to let those doors of the past totally close. There's nothing you can do about them anymore. You cannot change the past, but you can do something about the future. What's in front of you is more important than what is behind you.

Maybe you feel like life has knocked you down. The key is: don't stay down! Get back up again, dust yourself off, and move out of the way so those doors can close. If you can't find anybody to encourage you to take a step forward, you've got to learn to encourage yourself. Get up in the morning, put your shoulders back, and look in the mirror and say, "You know what, I've come too far to stop now. I may be knocked down, but I'm not knocked out. I'm going to get back up again. I know I'm a victor, not a victim." Keep yourself stirred up so you can see new doors begin to open. And I believe if you will have the right attitude, you will see more opportunity in your future than what you've lost in the past. This is a new day.

Today let me encourage you, God is a good God, and He has good things in store for your future. Don't camp out between the doors of the past and the doors of the future. Don't settle in the land of "good enough." Keep pressing. Keep believing. Keep moving forward. You've got great things on the inside you. You were not made to be average; you were made to excel! You were made to leave your mark on this generation. Choose to let go of the past, choose forgiveness, and choose to move forward through the open door of blessing God has right in front of you!

"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead" (Philippians 3:13b, NIV)

Well hello BLACK CLOUD, it's you again...

Lord, as soon as I get some shear inch of HOPE on this journey, that maybe, JUST maybe one day my dream of becoming a mother will finally come true, BAM! Black cloud is back!

The 'baby fund' as I called it sometime ago that we have aside and trying to add to it as we go along is being compremised. My husbands work truck had some major issues and needs some pretty expensive repairs, $3000+ in repairs to be exact!!! It's enevitable not to touch our funds for this because reality is that without a work truck, there's no work. So here we are again and again I ask myself the same questions to God....

Is this a sign? Is the path to Motherhood not in store for me?

My age is such a disheartening reminder that time is going by and turning 45 in Feb 2012 is not far away. It saddens me to no end at the thought that I am back to square one from what seems like over 5 years ago, but at least I was 5 years younger. We didn't know what we were going to do to make this baby dream happen. Then things fell into place, we did a fundraiser and cycled, then insurance coverage came to us by some miracle and cycled 3 times more, had our blessing but lost it. Now I feel helpless. At our wits end really....

I guess it's back to wishful thinking and lottery tickets...

Interesting words today....just what I needed.

You have to be very selective about what you give your time and attention to in order to live the life of victory God has promised. You have to recognize which thoughts to ignore, which comments to ignore, and sometimes, which people to ignore. Every “battle” that comes across your path is not a battle that you’re supposed to fight. Many battles are simply distractions to try to lure you off course. If that battle is not between you and your God-given destiny, it’s a battle you should ignore.

Many people get thrown off course because they are always trying to straighten everyone else out or win their approval. If that’s your focus, you are wasting valuable time and energy that you should be using to pursue your dreams. Turn away from that distraction! You don’t need the approval of everyone around you; you only need God’s approval!

Friend, it’s very freeing when you realize you don’t have to fight every battle. You don’t have to straighten people out. You don’t have to pay somebody back. Instead, focus on what matters; focus on God and His Word so you will live in peace and happiness every day of your life!

WOW!!! Please help a good Cause and our chance to a free cycle!!!

Shady Grove is conducting a 'Win a Free Cycle with SGFShady Grove Fertility', up to $10,000 in value, to one lucky raffle winner! You can sponsor someone when you fill out the raffle ticket!! What an amazing opportunity!

Here are the details:

Entry into the Shady Grove Fertility Free Cycle Raffle also includes entry into the Grubb's Pharmacy Fertility Medication Drawing.


- 1 winner will receive a free cycle with Shady Grove Fertility, up to a $10,000 value.
- 2 winners will receive $5,000 in fertility medication with Grubb's Pharmacy.
- Entrants, 18 years an older, can enter to win with a $30 entry fee.
- You may purchase up to 5 entries per household.
- You may gift the prize to another person.
- Cycle prize value may go towards any treatment cycle at Shady Grove Fertility, including IUI, IVF and Donor Egg.
- Some medications for the cycle will be suppled by Ferring Pharmaceuticals and EMD Serono.
- Contest ends Thursday, Sept 29th at 11:59 pm EST. Winner will be announced publicly on Sunday, October 2nd at the Cade Foundation Race for the Family.

Please visit this link to buy a raffle ticket and support me, Lorraine Sears.
Just knowing the donation will be going to a great cause as well is a BONUS!!

http://raceforthefamily.net/?page_id=195

ACT SOON though, it ends next Thursday (September 29th a minute before midnight)

Thanks for your support!

God Bless,

Lorrie

Here's a new twist.....

I'm confused. Well maybe not confused but a bit taken back at this moment. Let me explain...

My husband got offered a full time position where he was working as an 'on call' security guard for one of the Navy contracts on base. The shift is in the evenings, so it's do-able. So he accepted. This now opens a door with health insurance with a large company. I'm not sure of what insurance company we will have but I know it will be 100% better than what we are paying right now for an 'Individual' plan due to being self employed.

Okay so here's my thoughts...

If I have IVF coverage....should I consider using my eggs??? Could I be lucky enough to get another BFP doing so and this time have that 'lucky egg'? I know I'm jumping the gun and I am ready to go to donor, but knowing insurance does not cover donor should I consider trying with my own if I should have coverage??

How life changes from one day to the next....

God Bless,

Lorrie

April/May 2012

Well I spoke to my niece yesterday and she REALLY wants to be the one to donate her eggs to us. I must agree, the thought of someone 'genetically' attached to this process would be nice. Not that it matters to the point that I would not or still am not considering doing a donor cycle with someone anonymous in which I already shared with her.

Money is the scary part for me really. I have a savings going and we could probable do a single donor cycle sooner than waiting for my niece early next year but do I want to take the chance. Not that using her is guaranteeing me a better outcome, but something in my gut is telling me to wait for her. Odd really when I think about it, because at this point why wait.....haven't I waited long enough? Or then again should I wait to save enough for a refund program so incase the unfortunate final outcome (with my history) that I do not bring a baby home after trying that at least I'm not left broke to venture onto something else perhaps? I know, I know...I sound so undecided really, but it's not that I wouldn't jump for the chance to try something right now but in the end its finances. It's the reality that has brought me here, to this point. Money is the root of all evil, as my Mom has always told me....but "it sure helps!" To make some dreams come true that's for sure!

So, of course this won't be my last post like this. I'm sure there will be others that follow that sound wishy washy as to where we're heading and when, but rest assure, we are heading somewhere and there's a precious baby waiting for us to love and cherish!!!

God Bless,

Lorrie

To New Beginnings

At this point on our journey we are embracing what's to come. Praying and believing that all things are possible through God.

Honestly, I've been quite sad these past few months or should I be completely honest and say for far more over a year now. I have come to the conclusion that if I do not change my way of thinking and the feelings in my heart I will never move forward to His promises. I use to be so uplifting and somewhat confident in my actions, now I just sort of lay around waiting for something to bring me up and no matter what, nothing seems to anymore.

I'm trying so there's that. I spoke with my Dr a couple of weeks ago and she agreed from what I was expressing that I am clearly headed in a severe depression, if I'm not already there. We spoke about the realities of what I have been through. Many of you will understand who have been through IVF's and IF treatments, that your body goes through some pretty rough emotions let alone the repercussions of injections. I've gained access weight and I'm not feeling so healthy or active. This needs to change.

Today is a new beginning. I woke up and said "This is it Lorrie! You need to find yourself again and get yourself back to where you need to be, not necessarily where you once were, but an even better place!!" So with that said here it is. I am starting to exercise on a daily basis from this day forward. I will work on my body, mind and soul with the help of an exercise program, not letting things overtake my mind and keeping my heart open to God and his word. I will heal from this dark place and in the near future I will embark on another road to this journey and that's through Donor Egg.

We have some money put aside for this but as many of us know who have paid out of pocket for treatments it's not enough. Our goal is $10,000 to add to our baby fund. It's a lot to save up, but I believe things will turn around for us and the funds will come along somehow, someway.

God Bless,

Lorrie

FYI

You may have heard about this and you may not, but I wanted to share just in case!

There is a bill currently in Congress called Family Act 2011, S 965. This bill would create a tax credit for the out of pocket expenses associated with infertility treatments. Visit the link below and fill out the form letter that you can email to your senators asking them to co-sponsor this bill. The site will let you know who your senators are once you put in your state.

It may not help us right now, but could help families like us in the future!


http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/Advocacy?s_oo=997SxeuZn8dcIDIcJZ1bgg..&id=351

I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out; plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:11

Perserverance......

HMMMMMMM....I really think my picture should be beside that word in the dictionary.

Desires of my heart. Here I am. Contemplating a new avenue, new hopes and dreams, of course at a price without any certainties again....as always.

So here we go. September 14th we are on a conference call (consultation) with a clinic in Upstate NY called CNY. If you get a chance, visit their website, http://cnyfertility.com/
This RE, Dr. Kiltz is a true inspiration and one that I feel I need at this point. My consultation is so far away because I ONLY want to speak with him. I need to hear from him as to what I need to do at this point. I know I am contacting him to embark on donor eggs, but I need to talk to him. Feel his uplifting words through me. Tell me I'm not at a dead end if he feels I'm not. Give me the inspiration that I need.

My niece has offered to be my donor, but after offering, she found out by her supervisor at school that she could not take 2 weeks off (which is what is needed for her cycling time) of school or else it will affect her year. She asked me if I could wait till July, 2012 when she has completed school. I thanked her enormously and declined and told her not to feel bad, even though I would love to have her as my donor, but that I could not wait that long. I will be 45 years old in Feb 2012 and feel in my heart that I would love to be at least a few months pregnant at that point, not still waiting. She agreed and said she would speak to her school again and let them know what the 2 weeks is for and see if they can make an exception. Either way, donor egg is our route.

We got approved for a loan to cover a 'family' donor, but since the news on my niece, we will need more $$ to do a single anonymous donor cycle. We put the loan money away and we hope to be able to add an extra $6000 to be able to do it. It's scary, to put all my hopes in a donor for $14,000, but this is the cost. It is 1/2 that if we use a family or friend donor. It eliminates having to pay a donor, that's why the cost is so much less.

I believe this is the right path for us. We did try and are not against trying donor embryo again, but it would have to be someone with many that are frozen and who is younger. I think most that donate their embryos are older women and don't have that many frozen, but then again, there are donors out there that used donor eggs for their IVF. I'm not up for an 'open' embryo donation, so this is also an obstacle with many.

I thought about doing a fundraiser again, but honestly, I don’t have the drive I once had. I feel I’ve been on this journey far longer than most and can’t expect people to keep helping us with this.

I do play the lottery…………hey we all can dream right?

the verdict is in....

Casey Anthony gets off on 'killing her child' and I get a BFN verdict that ends my journey of trying to have a child. What SOME take for granted I tell ya.

God, what have I done to deserve this???

Financially we're exhausted. Emotionally I am gutted. I have no clue how or when this will sink in that I am NOT meant to be a Mom. I can't even be a STEP Mom without problems. What was I thinking????

Reality is evident....but I'm still trying to hold on to Faith

A good friend of mine suggested I test last night being my morning testing hasn't been successful so I did last night. BFN.

I was having some pretty hard sxs, veiny bbs, sore, cramps, pinching etc for the last 3 days, but the tests are really proving that it's clearly the progestrone making me feel this way. I've never used PIO before and to be honest, the ONLY time I've ever had veins in my breast was when I was pg. So I'm pretty confused and shocked to see them with all the BFN's. I would never think that prog would cause that much of a sxs.

Oh well....my brother and SIL are here from back home, They leave to head back on Friday. I go in for beta on Tuesday. I just want it over with as always. Not sure I can really say 'to move on' because at this point with donor embryos such as this, not sure if that blessing will come to us twice in a lifetime. Hubby said we'll 'deal' with what the outcome is and find someway I guess to do something, but I know the reality of it all. It's not good.

I'm off to try and enjoy myself today shopping!!

It is our Anniversary tomorrow (7 years). I'll probably test again tomorrow night to confirm what I already know for Tuesday. I'll kup.

God Bless and

Transfer has happened!!!

On Thursday, June 23rd we transferred one beautiful, hatching blast. We originally had 4 that we thawed, but only this one made it. I won't lie, I was very sad and disappointed after I got home from the transfer. I was hoping to transfer 2 blast, but there's nothing I could change. I have to have Faith and believe that things turned out the way they were intended.

Update....

Sorry I haven't posted in quite sometime but here it goes.

After a long DONOR EMBRYO journey from our last failed IVF back in August 2010 we are officially here!!! TRansfer date is..........................




THURSDAY, JUNE 23rd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Went in this morning for an ultra sound and blood work after taking BCPs. I just got the call. My numbers are great and it's time to start my schedule!

Estrogen ~ FULL SPEED AHEAD starting tomorrow!!! YIKES! Still can't believe I'm FINALLY here!

I told my nurse that I've never once had a lining issue with any of my IVF's. I always had amazing thickness. She was happy to hear this. I go back on June 17th for what's hopefully my last appt before transfer. I'll have my lining checked and blood work again.

Tom and I are going to book a hotel for June 22nd so we can relax the night before transfer near the clinic. Transfer is early in the morning.

Prayer request....

I'm really leaving this all in God's hands. I do pray for perfect thawing vibes so the embryos survive and are healthy as the day they were frozen in 2006. My Faith is there though. I do carry it in my heart and soul. I know God has brought me to this path and the donors to me for a reason. Just when I thought I was at the end when the previous donors took back offering their embryos to us, I was crushed. It was not a month later when this couple came to us from a site called Miracles Waiting. I feel very blessed and I will say excited!

The Long and WHINING Road....

Been feeling kind of blah. Just so much going on and NOTHING about getting closer to our FET it seems. My lack of posting comes from lack of enthusiam. IDK how to think or feel anymore. I don't even feel like we're going to be trying again. EVER. As soon as I start to feel we're getting somewhere and I can look at May or June or whenever, there's a set back with a 100 other things that get in my way and that can't be ignored. ALWAYS about someone or something else. What ever happened to the constant trying days?? I mean, I feel like for 2 1/2 years straight we were doing something fertility wise and now it seems like forever and it's almost like I honestly don't know how to get back into it or feel that it will come again.

I got an email from my nurse at Cooper Inst in NJ where our embryos are and just when I thought I could start looking/planning on a month to finally say "okay, I'll start BCP in such and such" she emails me saying how she was reviewing my chart to make sure we weren't missing anything and boom! Oh we didn't get this from Shady Grove .....oh we didnt get this from your OB. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

So I called both places and hopefully got them to fax over what they need. Jeezum crimers!!!! Is it safe to say I can start BC with May's AF now??? Well, who knows.....

I hate to get excited over this anymore.

Sorry for lack of updates.....

Lots going on but again NOTHING going on. Yes, if it ain't one thing, it's another.

After my last post on March 10 about all the testing being done and so forth, well the results came back. First I needed to go back to get another mammo and sono of my right breast. Afterwards the Dr showed me where the 'concern' was on the xray. Great, just what I needed....

DH cultures came back and he has an infection, mine came back all negative. So he's on anitbiotics for 2 weeks and we go back for cultures for him again. I need to have one more set of bloodwork done as they had me do the wrong ones (rolling my eyes).

Back to my Mammo. The Dr wanted me to come back in 2-3 months for another look at this 'spot'. I then expressed myself to him in detail about our upcoming FET. He didn't know. So 'supposably' he said he will put a 'rush' on getting a second opinion from a Dr at John Hopkins. I didn't know the word 'rush' meant the same as waiting over a week to have this Dr look at my xrays!?!? On Monday, I called the breast center yesterday to see what was going on and this is how I found out that the Dr that is suppose to be giving the 'second opinion' is not in till Thursday (tomorrow). So once again, I'm waiting.....

What will it be? Biopsy? Wait 2-3 months for another look? Nothing to worry about?

I'll kup.

Mammo - check!
Blood/Lab Work - check!
Cultures - check!

Tom and I are D-O-N-E!!!! I won't lie, it was a hectic early morning run, with Mammo at 8am, labwork at 9:45am then cultures at 10am at the OB's office, but all worth it. Well now I can say that. lol.

I worked myself up so badly all week long, or should I say for the last 2 weeks over that darn Mammogram!! UGH! It was my first one ever (yes I know, bad girl) and I've heard so many horror stories that it just kept playing on my mind. But let me assure you, there was no horror about it. As the tech said, women are dramatic! She wasn't lying!

So needless to say, we're done with all the testing. Now what the results will be, that's another story, but I'll keep positive that all will be okay. All that I have left is my Mock transfer and Saline Ultrasound, but that I'll have done when I start my cycle of birth control. Hoping in May.

I'll KUP! ;-)

Drive by Update

Embryos are now in NJ!!!! :) Got the package from the clinic with everything I need to get signed and testing to be done. Tom was a bit upset that he still has testing to do. The nurse said it's because we are sexually active. I felt like telling her "well no not really. Seeing since all the fertility madness we've really not at all!" But I didn't. I stopped myself. lol

So I have my OB appt next Thursday, March 3rd and I'll have my cultures and physical done. No pap needed as I got it last July and it's still good she said. I will also need a Mammo. I'm NOT happy about that. I know I'm bad at 44 years old and never having one, but my MD clinic never enforced it, but they do. So I'm going to have to toughen up and just get it done. Hopefully nothing is found. Tom and I will go over to Lapcorp and get our bloodword out of the way while we're in that area and he's with me. All he has to do is give blood and piss in a cup. NICCCCE!

With that said, I would have to say that our FET will probably now happen in May or June. May being on BCP and FET in June. Trying to make it happen in April is unrealistic. Who knows at this point. I really want to get to it, but money wise we don't have it. I need to at least have a cc to use at this point. Right now we are tight with not much on cc to spare. Again, I'm ok with this. I was happy to see I lost 3 more lbs this morning, so I know it will be for the best when we do our FET. 12lbs total!!

I will keep you all posted as always!

God Bless.

L

Can I get a "Alleluia"???? Well of course I can!!!!

My birthday wish is here. Yesterday was the day the word came from our donor. Those beautiful words that filled my heart with joy, at a great time too, 2 days away from my Birthday!! Those reassuring words that I longed to hear for what seems an eternity. Donor; "Well this is it. The embryos are yours!! All the necessary paperwork is done on our end! You can call the clinic in TX and have them shipped to NJ!"

WOW what a feeling! 4 Beautiful embryos for my 44th Birthday! We really need to do our FET in April being it's the 4th month right? It just feels right. We will try our best!

So here's the plan. I called the clinic today. Monday I will receive a call from Sarah who takes care of this sort of thing. For about $350 or so I will have my babies shipped to our clinic in NJ! Once they are there, I will call my nurse and discuss our FET plans! Can you believe I'm finally here?? I can't. It's not real to me. I've been waiting for so long for something to happen after our last IVF attempt and our moment is here!

I pray to the Lord that these beautiful, precious embryos are my path to motherhood. Something I've wanted for way too long. Please God, hear my hearts desires. Help one (or two) of these precious gifts become my child on earth for me to love.

In Jesus' name. AMEN.

God Bless.

I will keep you all posted!

L

Well we're in limbo. My donor has to fill out these forms from the TX clinic where the embryo's are; sign, notarize & mail back. She's waiting for them. This clinic as she said seems to be very laid back. They take their time with sending paperwork.

I hope this is resolved by the end of this month at least. This way I can have the embryo's shipped to NJ and get some kind of idea of when we'll do our FET.

In a way things happen for a reason. I need to stay on this path of losing weight. Today is Day 6 of Detox week and I must say, it was a rough start (first 3 days) but once I could add some lean meat on Day 4 I started feeling better. Still had headaches but today is a much better day. This Detox week thing really does what it says. Once you get through it you really don't crave all the junk you use to eat. It makes you embark on the next journey. Keeping a diet going! I told Tom (DH) that I want to continue eating veggies like I am now and eating our big bowl of salad with lean meat everyday till the end of February and see how much weight we lose. I think it will be great to do it! Don't get me wrong, my birthday is on the 19th and WE WILL be going to dinner at Outbacks to celebrate!!! I don't think we've been there in a year :-0 !! It's time! :)

Update....

Certified check sent today to the attorney! Attorney confirmed my email stating that and is in the process of sending the release embryo donor agreement to our clinic in NJ!!! Hopefully by next week sometime our embryos will be in transit from TX to NJ!!!

Hubby wants to REALLY try and do our FET in Feb or March. He said while we're on 'down time' with his work hours and mine, we should get it done. He said to try and find a credit card that we could use. I was going to do the FET in April/May because we could probably pay for the FET then. Now it's to find a card :/ It makes sense to try and do it in Feb/March, this way when busy season starts in April/May we won't have to stress over losing money with trying to reschedule his jobs or if I get a full time job by then as well, it will be hard to go away to NJ to do our FET. I hope we can pull it off. We'll work it out financially somehow so we can do it in Feb/March.

I was hoping to shed about 30lbs before, but I did that once before for my last IVF and it didn't work. I worried about miscarrying, not being so overweight, etc and the end result wasn't any better. It is what it is. I will start eating healthier though that's for sure starting right now!

Please pray that God leads us to the 'right' time whether it be Feb/March/April/May...whenever He knows best.

God Bless.

My bumpy road is becoming straight again.

It seems like forever since my last update. December 10, 2010 to be exact. Well here is goes....

Nothing has changed but everything has changed when it comes to my job. First they did cut my hours to part time. Legally I could claim partial unemployment, so that is helping some as I look for another job. I'm experiencing alot of inner stress over the 'politics' of the new protocols and mismanagement really. I know who my supervisor is, but do they??? To sum it up "too many Chiefs, not even indians" and we'll leave it at that. I keep telling myself, this too shall pass. A new full time job will change everything in time unless God has other plans in store for us ;-)

Now....on to some GOOD NEWS FINALLY!!!!!

Our donors came through. The agreement has been signed but not delivered yet to our attorney. We will soon be the proud parents of 4 beautiful embryos for our near future FET! I can't believe we're here or I should say, ALMOST here! Never the less, it's good news and it's ABOUT TIME for us! Now to work on my moral after everything that I've been through in the past year. This year will be our year of miracles. I am still searching for my inner happiness, after being hurt so badly on every end of this crazy spectrum. I need to get myself back together like Humpty Dumpty. Silly but true.

So now it's onto getting my body, heart and soul intact. Literally. Once the attorney, embryo transport and storage fees are paid it's on to saving for a Spring/early Summer FET. Hoping more for Spring, but I'll know when it's the right time, financially and spiritually. I hate waiting any longer than I have to; God knows I've waited long enough for this blessing that the Lord sent to me once again.

I will try and post more often now that I feel I have something to share again without being so depressing. Sometimes being quiet is the best thing for one to be after going through some pretty hard falls. Though I have felt sad and very badly for not sharing my downs as well with all you wonderful ladies who have supported me for so long in the past. Sometimes you just need time to sort through your own sadness and come back stronger. I might not be fully there yet, but these embryos are certainly filling my heart with hope and joy :)

God Bless you.

Til futher updates! :)