Make Plans for the Next Victory

"Now therefore, give me this mountain of which the Lord spoke in that day"
(Joshua 14:12, NKJV)

In the Bible, Caleb helped lead the people of Israel into their Promised Land. But I love that Caleb didn't just stop there. When he was 80 years old, he said, "God, give me another mountain." He was saying, "God, give me something else to do. Give me another assignment." Notice, he was planning on living out his life in victory. He could have said, "God, just let me retire. Man, my back's hurting. I can hardly see anymore. Medicare wouldn't pay that latest prescription. I'm so aggravated." No, he was strong. He was energetic; he was ready for the next challenge.

Friend, no matter how old or how young you are, God has another assignment for you. You wouldn't be here if God didn't have a purpose for you. I believe that this next year is going to be your best ever. Make plans for the next victory. Make plans to increase in influence, abundance, and favor. Choose today to live full of joy, peace, strength, and health; and take a step of faith into the life of victory He has in store for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
"Father in heaven, thank You for creating me and giving my life purpose.

Help me discover the gifts and talents You've placed within me so that I can use them to Your glory and move forward into the life of victory You have prepared for me. In Jesus' Name, Amen."

And so it is....

Well my follow up appt went ok. :( I mean it sucked not seeing my little bean growing in there, but it made things 'real' for us. Too real :( I was pretty strong until all the kind nurses and staff starting hugging me in the hallway. I lost it abit there. But the ones that were there today are my fav's. Very nice ladies. So onwards to another try. We even talked to the RE about donor eggs, but I'm not ready yet. I feel I have to have a good one in there somewhere. Maybe 2010 will bring me my 'golden egg'

I convinced the RE to prescribe DHEA for me (25mg's 3 times a day) I'll be starting those as soon as I get them in the mail. They're pretty expensive ($100 for a month supply) but I'll try anything if it might help. They like to see you take them for 3 months, but the RE recommended I don't wait that long to try again as I'll be 43 in Feb and time is of the essence as always. So I think we'll be doing another IVF round in late Feb or March. I can't believe I'm saying 'another round' again. I really thought this was my little miracle sticky bean this time. It's all so hard.

God Bless.

Empty Womb

My Dr's appt this morning will surely be a reminder and 'reality' of my baby no longer being with us. After my phone call to them on Monday, they still wanted to keep my 'original' appt even though I had gone to the ER Saturday night and miscarried everything, as that Dr said. But I can understand though, they need to check me out and make sure. I know this appt will be a vision of sadness & hurtful feelings with start all over again, but I need to look forward. Even if it's too soon to even think of anything but my loss, I know I need to for my sanity and NOT feel that this is the end. Since Sunday I've been trying to make myself feel somewhat better in saying that there was indeed something wrong with my precious angel. That he/she was lacking some kind of genetic in order to grow strong and healthy. It don't really make me feel better deep down inside my heart & soul, but on the surface of things (infront of people) it does make it 'sting' a bit less.

So on that note, I leave for a wonderful 2 hour trip to the Dr's for what will be a sad day, but also a day to reflect again where we've been, how far we've come and where we will go again soon & try for another MIRACLE.

FAITH, HOPE & PRAYERS.


TODAYS WORD

Sometimes, people get distracted by what they consider to be a disadvantage or weakness in their lives. It may be something about their personality or looks that they don't like. Or maybe they've been through an unfair situation: a divorce, a bad business deal, or a bad break. We all have things that can feel like disadvantages; things that make it harder on us. It may even be a physical handicap where you can't get around like you used to.

But just because you have a "disadvantage," just because you've been through a tough time, doesn't mean you're supposed to sit back and settle where you are. God still has something great for you to do! He wants to show Himself strong in and through you. The Holy Spirit wants to help you when you feel weak. If you will stay in faith and not get negative toward yourself or your future, then God can take what you think is a liability and turn it into an asset. What you think is a disadvantage God will turn around to be an advantage so you can move forward into the abundant life He has for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
"Father in heaven, today I give You all that I am. I invite You into the weak places in my life so that You can turn them into strengths. Thank You for working in my life and filling me with faith and expectancy. In Jesus' Name, Amen."


God Bless.

It's going to be a process....

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

I'm Sad, Lost, Empty to name a few.....oh yes, can't forget ANGRY. I guess it's a process...

I'm just so tired, emotionally and mentally. I guess my Dr was right about my eggs. Yes, I produce many still at my age. Yes, I made they made it to blast this time, which was a shock. Yes, most of my eggs generally look of great quality, but it doesn't mean they are.

I keep thinking about my baby. I keep having to tell myself that there was something wrong chromosonally (sp?) with him/her and that's why it didn't make it. I told Tom a few minutes ago on the phone that I really miss having a baby inside me. I felt so much love and happiness, but I will say that the bleeding day in and day out took it's toll on me. I was stressed. I was sick of hearing how 'normal' it is to bleed. I hated it. I want none of that next time. If there is a next time. I can't even wrap my mind around it, but I know if I want a baby I'm going to have to.

I'm still bleeding pretty heavy. Cramping and lower back pains still. I guess AF like symptoms even though I know they're not. They're from my baby being gone and my uterus shedding all that's left behind.

It's a hard day today. I called my clinic. Finally got up the nerve to let them know I m/c on Saturday and went to the ER. My nurse said to bring the paperwork on Wednesday. They'll still want to do an u/s to make sure everything is ok. I hope they don't want to do a D & C on me. I wouldn't think so knowing I passed everything. for that. Couldn't bare to go through anything else 'down there' right now. I think that will be what brakes the 'camels back' if they do.

I'm back at work today. I pulled in the parking lot this morning and started balling my eyes out. Sat in my truck for about 5-10mins just crying and thinking that the last time I was here I was pg. It just breaks my heart so much.

Sad news....

I miscarried today. It will be a Christmas to remember, but not in a good way. I am gutted. Went to the ER last night because I had been cramping with lower back pains all afternoon and started passing large blood clots. I kept taking them out and examinating them (TMI) to see if there were kind of tissue in it. I did come across one that I thought had the sac lining in it, but wasn't sure. But after our ER visit, I'm now sure it was. The ER Dr said the baby died about 2 days ago, that would of been the day my RE did our second ultrasound (Christmas Eve) and said the baby was measuring a week behind and the heartbeat was only 62. He didn't see this pregnancy going any further. I guess he wins for F'n Dr of the YEAR now that he was right huh??? >:( The ER Dr said that I had passed everything today because there was nothing left in my uterus. I take it I won't need a D & C. I'm so numb. Tom and I fought, too much stress, hurt and anger I guess. Don't know how to face the fact that this baby is gone.

Thanks for all the support and prayers.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

When Jesus came to the earth, He brought with Him everything you need to be empowered to live a life of victory. He came as a little baby, but He represented all authority in heaven and earth. When you choose to serve Him, you have access to all of His resources. You have access to His peace, power, authority, provision, joy, and strength. He brought all of this to us when He came to earth. Unto us a child is born…unto us victory is given. Unto us peace is given. Unto us provision is given. Unto us hope and healing are given. Unto us eternal life is given!

Whatever you need today, remember, when Jesus came into the world, He made a way for every one of your needs to be met spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Surrender your life to Him and receive all the spiritual blessings He has in store for you!



A PRAYER FOR TODAY
"Father in heaven, thank You for sending Your Son, Jesus so that I could be free to live an abundant life in You. Fill me with the revelation of Your love and everything that You have for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen."

God Bless.

Giving it UP to God. For only HE can change the outcome of our baby's future.

I know you have all been waiting. But I just got home and had to 'compose' myself before I posted. We are trying to be optimistic but my RE is feeling otherwise....so here it goes.






First off, here's our baby (we're in love already)


Now, at first the tech wasn't finding the heartbeat but thank God for her being so persistant she eventually found it as the RE was saying over and over how it wasn't looking good that there was no heartbeat and the baby was measuring a week or so behind. Tom had water in his eyes the hold time and I, well I can really say I just laid there, numb. But I kept watching the tech so desperately try and locate the heartbeat and all of a sudden she said "there's the heartbeat" and the RE said "yep, it sure is." She said it was only 62. So again, another depressing moment. My RE's demeanor during the whole visit was just that, depressing. But I guess when the numbers aren't 'just' to their likings they get that way, like it's over. He was already discussing D & C in the near future. Saying the baby is slow and that's not a good sign and that it's probably has chromosone (sp?) issues.

So Tom and I had a rough morning to say the least, but we are walking away from it with HOPE & PRAYERS till we see our baby again next Wed. We have to give it ALL to God in HOPES for our baby miracle to grow and to again prove my DR wrong with all his 'statistics'.

God Bless.

UPDATE again......

Well the bleeding and cramping have subsided. I got diahrea now though. I guess from all the stress. My appt is still set for tomorrow (12-24-09). The Dr called me and said "he's not throwing in the towel yet. Many beautiful babies have come from this sort of bleeding." He is concerned though, but he is again, Cautiously Optimistic because of Monday's sono. So today is a day of prayers. Every Hour I will pray to Our Lady of La Leche and say my Hail Mary's. I can only trust in God at this point. I have no one else to lay my hurt on that can change the outcome. With HIM all is possible.

God Bless.

Disturbing UPDATE

Well it's 1am and things have took a turn for the worst. I think I'm miscarrying. I had to put a big pad on. Heavy period cramping & lower back pains. Blood is flowing so heavy and I passed a huge blood clot. I'm really not feeling pg anymore. I am beyond crushed. I came downstairs because I can't stop crying and I just can't sleep.

I might be calling the dr and going in in the morning instead just to 'get this over with' instead of wondering for another day.

God, if there was anytime for a miracle this would be it for me. I really don't know what to do with myself at this point. My heart is breaking.....

WE SAW A SAC!

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile,but things have not been so well with me. Between the tiredness and scare with bleeding and cramping I had no energy or will to post. So with that said....today is a better day.

Let me go back....I was spotting/bleeding all weekend, well since the middle of the week with the spotting really, but more so bleeding over the weekend. I was told by many, even the nurse on Saturday when I called the clinic concerned about it that it is normal to spot/bleed with me being on Lovenox, Baby Aspirin & Endometrin vaginal suppositories as the inserts can irritate the cervix and then with both 'blood thinners' in my system, the bleeding is almost a given. But Sunday night I started having sever cramping, and I mean bad. I was so scared, I went to bed at 8pm to try and sleep it off. Well my wake Monday morning was nothing less that a panic! There was a flow of blood just like I was having my period. I was crying and unconsolable. I called the dr and went in immediately. I was preparing myself for the worst. The cramps intensified as we pulled into the clinic. My husband now says that it was because I had worked myself up so much that the cramping got heavier, but I knew there was something more than that happening.

We finally go in and the nurse set us up in the room. It was the longest wait ever!! I just prayed and prayed til the Dr came in. The first thing he said as soon as he walked in was "Now, blood does not always mean bad, let's see what we have here." My heart was racing and Tom (husband) was getting emotional I could tell in his eyes. Something he does not usually do. I guess we were both trying to prepare ourselves for what was about to be or not be on the monitor.

GOOD NEWS! We saw the sac! The Dr said he did see some blood in my uterus, but he didn't seem concerned though. So I never said or asked anything further, which maybe I should of but thought if it was something, he would of mentioned his concerns about it. He wasn't sure if he was seeing the fetus and hb yet so he chalked it up and said come back in as scheduled on Thursday morning and hopefully we'll see one clearly by then. He measured the sac and said I'm right on target for 6 weeks. So there was a positive. :)

Well there you have it! I'm really looking forward to Thursday now. I would lie to you if I said I'm not worried, but it's much less now that we saw something at least. The bleeding has lessened quite a bit. I'm still having some cramping but nothing like sunday night into monday. To tell you the truth I really think I had another baby in there that didn't stick and that's where all the cramping and bleeding came from. Vanishing twin as they call it??

Just my thoughts on it.


God Bless.

Please Pray for my baby...

I need prayers. I know my beta numbers are rising but I'm feeling lost tonight. I'm having to do another BETA tomorrow, per my Dr's request after Wednesday's results. It's been weighing heavy on my heart since and it's really making me worry that something is not going right. How can it not be though right? My numbers are going up, my symptoms (even though not as strong as they were) are still there.

And so I pray.....

O Lord Jesus Christ, through the intercession of Your tender Mother, Our Lady of La Leche, who bore You close to her heart during those long months before Your birth, I place my baby and myself entirely in Your Hands. Free me, I beseech You, from useless and consuming worry. Accept the sacrifice of my aches and pains, which I unite to Your sufferings on the Cross. Above all, most merciful and loving Jesus, protect this child You have given to me from all harm, bestowing the health and vigor every baby needs. Implant in my heart and on my lips the words and prayers of Your Mother and mine, our Lovely Lady of La Leche. All this I ask that my child and I may live to praise forever Your Holy Name.

Amen.

BETA IS IN!!!

Well everyone....I'm happy to announce that my Beta numbers are showing to be promising to say the least. God has certainly blessed me after all this time. I am feeling a bit numb at the fact that this is happening....'SURREAL' is a better word maybe?? Hmmmmm well with that said here at my numbers.

BETA #1 (12/7/09) 32

BETA #2 (12/11/09) 271

BETA #3 (12/14/09) 880

BETA #4 (12/16/09) 1441

BETA #5 (12/18/09) 2290

#2 was a doubling time of 31.15 hours

#3 was a doubling time of 42.37 hours

#4 was a doubling time of 67.46 hours

#5 was a doubling time of 71.83 hours



As Tracey said.......

Can I get an AMEN & HALLELUJAH!!!!


I will update Wednesday's BETA when I get it :D

It don't get any 'CLEARER' than this

GOD IS GOOD!!


**UPDATE**





(17DPO) WOW! Even on a cheap Dollar store test this morning! Thank you God!

I'll update my Beta number later today!

God Bless

CRYING TEARS OF JOY!!!!

WELL THE NEWS IS IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......................


I CAN FINALLY SAY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE..........................


I'M OFFICIALLY PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!


BETA 32!!!


Dear Jesus! Thank you!!! Thank you!! Thank you!! I love you!!!!!!

**CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC**

Well ladies....I HOPE THIS IS THE START OF A BEAUTIFUL BABY IN THE MAKING!!!!!! (picture isn't very good on here, but there's a faint test line. If you click on it, you can see it better)

I went to bed at 930 last night I was falling asleep with the pc mouse in my hand. lol. So at 1am I woke up so bloated and having to pee so badly that I couldn't just go back to sleep as sometimes we do. So I said well it's 1am I'm going to pee on a stick cause it's been since 9:30pm since I last pee'd. Maybe something will come up. So I took a Dollar Tree test (cheapie) and again didn't think I could see anything, which I couldn't. I had kept the cup before dumping it and thought....what the heck, I'm gonna break out a good test (First Response) and this is what came up (pic) in a minutes time!!!!!!!!!!!

My camera is not the best unless I take the stick outside in daylight. I was going to wait til tomorrow to try and get a better pic but I got this pic for you all to see.

I am scared, crying and happy all in one because of my last cycle and being very cautiously optimistic. It's 4:00am now and I can't sleep. My stomach was growling too, so I had to come down and eat something. I know I'll be tired later, but it's Sunday, I'll nap =)

I will tell you though. I'm not messing around this time. I'm calling my OB on Monday and telling them I want blood work done for Beta. This way I'll know I am pg. Friday's beta with the RE is waaaaay too long of a wait and I'm not doing it this time!

Please pray for my sticky bean.

xoxo

This 'Two Week Wait' is a KILLER!!!

Well the picture isn't lying about DESSERT either!!! I feel I've been eating everything under the sun these past few days. Infact, I'm HUNGRY right now as I type this post!!

I'm on edge, moody, stressed, 'OUT OF MY SKIN' feeling, just really having a rough go at it this time around. Then this site that I've been on for almost 2 yrs got hacked yesterday and is down indefinately and it just breaks my heart. I need my SUPPORT of so many women that I've gotten close to! WHAT A HELL OF A TWO WEEK WAIT!!

I'm so bloated and cramping. No symptoms at all like last IVF cycle. I've been testing everyday since Monday (morning urine) and I've kept them like 'ducks in a row' on a sheet of paper. I wanted to make sure that if I was blessed with a positive this time around I had my pee sticks to prove the 'trigger' is not the cause of it!!

Thanks everyone who keep me in their prayers! I feell the love everyday!

xox
God Bless.