Emotional considerations after miscarriage

Miscarriage is the loss of baby during the earlier weeks of pregnancy and is something that affects many women, their partners (if there is one), older siblings, family and friends. Losing a baby through miscarriage is a heartbreaking experience, no matter how early in the pregnancy it happens, usually rousing deep feelings and emotional reactions.

This can add to a deeper dimension of loss and grief. Women bond with their baby as soon as they know they are pregnant, some even before this time while they are trying to conceive. After a miscarriage, many women feel that no one really understands what they are going through.

It can be of great help if you have close friends and relatives who understand your loss. It is amazing how many others will start to share with you their own experiences of miscarriage (even people who did not previously let you know this had happened for them). This can give you a sense of not being alone and a degree of hope if they have gone on to have a healthy baby. However, being told by others that "It wasn't meant to be.' or "You will have another baby soon.' is not really helpful. It also dismisses the importance of the child you have lost and fails to validate your grieving.

Going through the process of expressing and exploring your feelings doesn't alter the loss, but it can move the pain into some form of acceptance. When talking with women about past miscarriages (even several years later) it is not uncommon to see how painful and raw their sadness still is, especially if they were not given opportunities to openly deal with their grief at the time.

The reactions of caregivers at this time can leave a lasting impression. If the professionals you deal with are compassionate, sympathetic and caring, this can make the miscarriage experience much easier to bear. However, if your caregiver comes across as being very matter-of-fact and uncaring (perhaps they are busy and it is true they do deal with miscarriages all the time) this can increase your feelings of anger and resentment. For some women it is enough for them to make arrangements so they do not need to associate with them again in the future.

The final Meltdown

I'm here to say that I have hit rock bottom. Something I didn't know or want to except that I was still feeling. After yesterdays first ultra sound and blood work appt since starting injections on Sunday, it was by far the least encouraging appt yet. The cyst was still there, even though they said it was not doing anything but being a nusense, it still bothered me. The tech could hardly see any follicles in my ovaries, which was not normal for me. I've always had a great egg count.

With this said, I had a meltdown this morning. I mean bigtime. Right in Target. I was balling my eyes out, a complete mess. I've been having so many migraines and sinus issues for the past week that I am a walking basket case. Full of stress & overbearing emotions.

I just got off the phone with my nurse and let her know that I want and need a break. A mental and emotional break from it all. I cried so hard that my head is pounding profusely. Out of control. My body, heart and soul that is. I am truly somewhere not healthy. I am not over my miscarriage and all that came after it. I need time to heal and be ready for this journey (being my last approved cycle) in much better form.

The nurse told me that I need to talk to Darlene (the insurance lady for Shady Grove) and make sure that this will not count as my IVF cycle. She's seen it happen to another lady and it was devasting. I will be very very upset if they 'make' me do this cycle. I told her that we could say that the cyst is still an issue. It's not like I got to egg retreival or anything yet. So I'm waiting for her call, of course she wasn't in her office. Now something else to keep me on the edge. :(

My Dr called. He said he understands and went over somethings with me to make sure I wasn't beyond 'depressed' and maybe thinking of 'hurting myself' as many people think when they are beyond the breaking point. I'm depressed, I will admit that, but won't kill myself. I need time. Time heals all wounds they say, so I will do just that. Not think about IVF or TTC. Just enjoy some time away, take a few weekend trips and a week in VA Beach maybe in July. He reassured me that whatever amount they're charging me for the resent ultra sounds and blood work he will waive and NOT apply it to my resent start of this cycle. He said the deposit I already gave will be held for when I'm ready to come back to try again. I need to pamper myself and spend loving time with my husband. He's a good man he said and he needs to be there for you. He also told me that I have alot of strength and perseverence and will get through this. He shared with me that he and his wife suffered a miscarriage as well and it is very hard. He was very compassionate and warm.

With all that said, I will say, I am crushed. My heart is weighing heavy, but I know it was the right thing to do.

God Bless.

Lorrie

IT'S A 'GREEN LIGHT'!!!

I am happy to FINALLY announce that we have the 'OK' or as I put it 'THE GREEN LIGHT' to start our next (and final) IVF cycle! May God bless us with a healthy pregnancy and child.

I started my injections last night. Here's to the next 10-12 days! My heart, soul and body is READY!

Lord open my womb for the blessing I am about to receive. AMEN.

Cyst Update

Well the cyst was bigger on the u/s screen, but the call just came and my E2 is now 53 (it was 132 last Wednesday). The nurse told me that's why they don't go off the u/s measurements alone. They wait for the E2 results. So if I DARE to say, that's SOMEWHAT good news. I did tell the nurse that this was my LAST IVF attempt and I do not want to go forth if there's any chance of this not being my best cycle I could possible have and the cyst being the end factor of it, because Shady Grove WILL be doing another round for free. She said they will NOT start me if they don't feel everything is ok to do so. Well.....I know how things go sometimes and I want to make sure my VOICE is heard loud and clear on this matter. God knows how badly I want to get started, but after all I've been through I will hold off and even skip another month to make things perfect if I have to.

I have to take BCP tonight and tomorrow and go back Friday for a repeat to see where we're at.

I will KUP.

God Bless.

I am a child of the Most High God

TODAY'S WORD
We serve a God of restoration! You may have had some disappointments or unfair things happen in your life; but instead of dwelling on the past and living in defeat, choose to focus on His promises because God wants to restore everything that's been stolen from your life. He wants to restore your joy, your peace, your health, and your finances. But here's the key: you have to have a vision for it. You have to get your hopes up and decide to get your thoughts and words going in the right direction.

Today, choose to focus on the future and release past hurts through forgiveness. Draw a line in the sand and say, "I am a child of the Most High God, and I'm not going to live my life negative and defeated. This is a new day, and I'm taking back what belongs to me!" That's having a restoration mentality!



A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, thank You for choosing to restore my life. Thank You for the truth of Your Word that sets me free. Fill me with Your power today so that I may stand strong and move forward on the path You have for me. I love You and bless Your Name. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Ovarian Cyst

Here I go again with ANOTHER post that is to simple put, depressing. I know lately that's all I've been about. One thing after another. :(

They found a cyst in my left ovary on Monday. My E2 level was 92 so they told me to continue birth control and come back Wednesday. Well of course, my streak of 'good luck' has completed vanished since God knows when. Oh yeah, I remember, December 26th. Anyway, long story short, my E2 on Wednesday was 132. So the cyst is a 'functional' one and will be causing a huge delay in starting our final IVF cycle. Not sure why I'm going through all these heartbreaking times....but I'm sure God has a plan. I just never understand. :(

I am to be on birth control for another week, I go back for another check next Wednesday (March 17). Luck of the Irish maybe???? HA! Not for me I'm sure.

If you want to read about the cyst I have, go here: http://www.ivfauthority.com/2009/09/ovarian-cysts-and-ivf.html

Another set back....

Quick update. Well, I went in this morning to have blood work and an ultra sound to make sure all was well (ovaries etc) to start injects on Wednesday and the tech found a cyst on my left ovary. I am in such shock as to how many ordeals I've been going through since December 26th (my miscarriage day).

As I was getting dressed after my appointment, I spoke with God. I told Him that I'm giving the ENTIRE cycle to Him. I can not be stressed about it. I can only do what I can do.

I have to continue birth control pills and go back on Wednesday morning for a repeat appt. I'll KUP. :-/


God Bless

My baby's home is ready!

Well good news....well more so....GREAT NEWS for once in a long time it seems. Friday's saline ultra sound went really well. My uterus is back to health and we were given the GREEN LIGHT!

I'm trying to really dig deep into my heart and soul and find the strength to disregard my emotions about this being our LAST IVF cycle due to insurance benefit rules. As a good friend of mine told me the other day. I have to pray for specifics. I need to pray for just those specific needs right now. A BFP & healthy baby. A live birth and our precious MIRACLE to love and hold in 9 months. So Lord, here is my prayer:

Dear Lord,

I come to you at the end of my road of Hope on this IVF journey. I know you've seen and been through my trials with me this whole time. You have blessed me thus far a million times over in my life even though at times I feel I'm missing the biggest blessing of all, and that's to carry a child full term to love and hold in arms. I pray to you today that you keep a special watch over my last IVF cycle. Bless us with a beautiful outcome from start to finish. I love you God. With you and through you, ALL things are possible. I know you are proud of my strength and perserverence. I feel your Love everyday. Please answer this request. This IVF cycle is my only chance left through mans decision, but not yours. I pray to you today and everyday that we are blessed with a pregnancy in the next fews weeks. That we bring home our miracle in 9 months. A healthy baby to love and cherish for the rest of our lives. AMEN.

"Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1)


God Bless.

Lorrie

Letter came...

Well last night I came home to a letter in the mail from the clinic. It was our authorization letter for this upcoming IVF cycle, but in that letter came heart ripping news. This is our LAST approved cycle. There will be no more.

I'm having a hard time with this. I keep praying and talking out loud to God asking him to help me again. For this next time work. That we are blessed with child (a live birth). I can not bear the thought of this road ending without a child to hold. We've come so far. I'm so scared.

Please pray for us. Pray to God for our blessing of conceiving a child and holding this child in 9 months. My heart weeps for the unknown of what might never be. I hate going into this cycle feeling defeated, but I can't help it. I need to find strength, optimism & have FAITH that this will happen. It has to after all I've been through to get here.