Update....

Certified check sent today to the attorney! Attorney confirmed my email stating that and is in the process of sending the release embryo donor agreement to our clinic in NJ!!! Hopefully by next week sometime our embryos will be in transit from TX to NJ!!!

Hubby wants to REALLY try and do our FET in Feb or March. He said while we're on 'down time' with his work hours and mine, we should get it done. He said to try and find a credit card that we could use. I was going to do the FET in April/May because we could probably pay for the FET then. Now it's to find a card :/ It makes sense to try and do it in Feb/March, this way when busy season starts in April/May we won't have to stress over losing money with trying to reschedule his jobs or if I get a full time job by then as well, it will be hard to go away to NJ to do our FET. I hope we can pull it off. We'll work it out financially somehow so we can do it in Feb/March.

I was hoping to shed about 30lbs before, but I did that once before for my last IVF and it didn't work. I worried about miscarrying, not being so overweight, etc and the end result wasn't any better. It is what it is. I will start eating healthier though that's for sure starting right now!

Please pray that God leads us to the 'right' time whether it be Feb/March/April/May...whenever He knows best.

God Bless.

My bumpy road is becoming straight again.

It seems like forever since my last update. December 10, 2010 to be exact. Well here is goes....

Nothing has changed but everything has changed when it comes to my job. First they did cut my hours to part time. Legally I could claim partial unemployment, so that is helping some as I look for another job. I'm experiencing alot of inner stress over the 'politics' of the new protocols and mismanagement really. I know who my supervisor is, but do they??? To sum it up "too many Chiefs, not even indians" and we'll leave it at that. I keep telling myself, this too shall pass. A new full time job will change everything in time unless God has other plans in store for us ;-)

Now....on to some GOOD NEWS FINALLY!!!!!

Our donors came through. The agreement has been signed but not delivered yet to our attorney. We will soon be the proud parents of 4 beautiful embryos for our near future FET! I can't believe we're here or I should say, ALMOST here! Never the less, it's good news and it's ABOUT TIME for us! Now to work on my moral after everything that I've been through in the past year. This year will be our year of miracles. I am still searching for my inner happiness, after being hurt so badly on every end of this crazy spectrum. I need to get myself back together like Humpty Dumpty. Silly but true.

So now it's onto getting my body, heart and soul intact. Literally. Once the attorney, embryo transport and storage fees are paid it's on to saving for a Spring/early Summer FET. Hoping more for Spring, but I'll know when it's the right time, financially and spiritually. I hate waiting any longer than I have to; God knows I've waited long enough for this blessing that the Lord sent to me once again.

I will try and post more often now that I feel I have something to share again without being so depressing. Sometimes being quiet is the best thing for one to be after going through some pretty hard falls. Though I have felt sad and very badly for not sharing my downs as well with all you wonderful ladies who have supported me for so long in the past. Sometimes you just need time to sort through your own sadness and come back stronger. I might not be fully there yet, but these embryos are certainly filling my heart with hope and joy :)

God Bless you.

Til futher updates! :)

And now we wait....

I finally got our Donor's infectious disease paperwork that we had been waiting for sometime now and sent it off to the clinic via email. This was one of the key factors that the clinic was requesting, besides the embryo quality of course and they got that part months ago. So now we wait. Without this clinics approval, there's no way we can proceed with the legal aspects because we need to let the attorney know what clinic we'll be using for the FET. It needs to be put in the contract. I was really hoping to have this legal part out of the way when the New Year rolled around, but the way things are going, it's not looking too promising.

We're leaving for our Christmas trip back home (Montreal, Quebec) on December 20th and won't be back until January 2, 2011. So if I don't hear back from the clinic today or by very early next week with the OK on whether they can except the embryos or not, then nothing will be done until the New Year. It's disappointing, but I'm use to that by now with everything I've been through this past year. If it does go in our favor, then our attorney told us the contract process is rather quick. Hence us wanting this part done with by Friday, December 17th. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I really don't think it will happen though.

tick tock, tick tock......

The Verdict is in....2011 sucks already

Got confirmation today that the Association meeting last night went well over all, but nothing about my position changed and they're moving ahead with the decision of making my position part time starting January 1, 2011. I need to let them know by this Friday, December 10th if I'm staying on. What the hell do they think??? I can just leave? I probably could and claim maximum unemployment for 6+ months and stay home and search for a job, but like my husband says, I'm not the type who feels worth anything staying at home. Plus if I do take it, I can still claim a 'partial' claim and make about $100 less a week for the time being while I'm still searching for a new full time position hopefully with benefits this time.

I'm so worried though. Sick to my stomach with worry. How will I continue to pay the bills I have making $400-500 less a month? How do I move forward with my dreams of becoming a mother in 2011 as I was so hoping for? How do I keep paying for my individual health insurance that's $330 a month not including dental or vision? I'm sick to my stomach I tell ya, just sick.

But no matter what, I'm going to have to bite the bullet. Go without paying some bills and those would be credit cards, I have no choice. The debt is high, but so is my stress. I want a normal life. Dreams that are obtainable. I'm tired of hurting and being hurt. Where do I find the strength with each passing heartbreak and disappointment? Lord, have I not been tested enough? There are far worse of people, I know this and understand this, but I have had my fair share of heartaches and let downs in the past 17 years that I feel it's time. Time for my dreams to come to pass. I beg of you Lord.

Some news....

Lots has been happening. Some good news came to us awhile back and we are going to move on to a Donor to acheive our dream of becoming parents together. Something I am very blessed to have been offered.

With that said.....the bad news.

I'm going to be losing my job that I have been at for over 5 years. I had to come to terms with some hard decisions these past few days.

I work for a Community Association where I run the Clubhouse there. I am a Manager/Activity Coordinator. The neighborhood is dominent military of over 7000 people. My job has always been full time and sadly enough it was brought to my attention this past Wednesday (December 1st) that they are changing my position to part-time. Not changing any of the job duties/description of course, but cutting the hours in half. It will now be 20 hours a week versus 40 hours. I am devasted. Out of all the budget cuts they jumped at my jugguler first and with no thought for one second how this would affect me and my families finances what's so ever. I am and have been the ONLY employee running the show(events) and managing the place for over 3 years out of the five. I have brought the Clubhouse to where it is today on my own recognition and as it seems, I am not even getting the respect I deserve.

With this news I am faced with declining to continue the position because after much thought and research, I am better off saying "No" and collecting maximum on unemployment than staying on as a part time employee at the same job and losing 1/2 my weekly income and having to spend money on gas to get to the place 5 days a week. Not with the prices today.

I wrote a one & 1/2 page letter to the board justifying myself and my position to them asking them to reconsider their decision. The letter was sent via email on Friday. There's a big Annual Association meeting for members to attend on Tuesday night, not solely for the board. I guess this is where they will let members who attend know of the new budget for 2011. I'm not sure if they will go into detail and mention there decision on my job status or where I will stand when it comes to Tuesday after they've had the time to discuss my letter, if they even do. I hope and pray that they do and they reconsider, but if they don't and don't reply in some form to me, then I will have no choice to decline staying on. It breaks my heart that I'm faced with such circumstances, but as I've always said about alot of things in my life, "It is what it is." I can't change their minds by myself. If members appreciate the work I've done for them and how I've taken care of their Clubhouse they will fight for me. I've already mentioned it to a few members in the last 2 days, I might see more on Monday and Tuesday and I will not hold back then either. I figure this is all I can do at this point.

In all honesty, I feel discarded. Like I don't even matter. In the letter/notice from them it said very briefly at the end that I had till Friday, December 3rd to give my answer. Yes, they only gave me a day and 1/2 to make up my mind, but took them months to decide to change my life in a split second. The other sad part is in speaking with some members I found out yesterday that they are increasing Association dues. Yes, you read it right! They are going on like they should, but cutting my salary. I'll be losing over $18,000 a year. Right there that doesn't even make sense, but then again, the word discarded comes back to mind. They really don't care for me doing what I do & have done on a full time basis. Go figure, the ones who I was told voted on making the change don't even attend or participate in any event or Clubhouse amentities. So why would they care if I went part time & have financial heartbreak?

With that said, I will see where this next week leads to and if it's a deadend then I will start cleaning out my computer of personal things & my office as well, this way when my last day comes on December 19th before my final 2 weeks off, I will then let them know I am not returning in 2011. I don't want to tell them any sooner, because I'm sure they'd want to hire some person at $9 bucks an hour to fill my bill and ask me to show her the ropes before I go and THAT'S NOT happening. I'm still praying on a turn around in my favor, but at this point, it's going to be what it's going to be and there's nothing I can do about it.

So as for our 2011 Donor dreams, well I'm sure if the job thing doesn't work out, the dream will be left on hold for much longer. :( Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach. My heart is broke once again.....

What's with December for me? Last year I lost my baby and now my job. I guess I have to turn this awful situation, no matter how hard, into something good. So I've been being extra nice to people, complete stranger. 'Paying it forward' as you'd call it. I thought, maybe if I stop being so down and thinking I've been defeatede and knocked down again in my life that kindness will heal my wounds. I think it's a positive way to be, something I'm not prone to do. So why not.

God is good. Things will work out in the end no matter what.

Lord is it Mine

I know that there's a reason why I need to be alone
You show me there's a silent place that I can call my own
Is it mine? Oh, Lord is it mine?

You know I get so weary from the battles in this life
and as many times it seems that you're the only hope in sight
Is it mine? Oh, Lord is it mine?

When everything's dark and nothing seems right,
there's nothing to win, and there's no need to fight

I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land
but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand
Is it mine? Oh, Lord is it mine?

When everything's dark and nothing seems right,
You don't have to win, and there's no need to fight

If only I could find a way
to feel your sweetness through the day
The love that shines around me could be mine,
So give us an answer, won't you,
We know what we have to do,
There must be a thousand voices trying to get through.

Through Repentance to Faith - Part 2 by Derek Prince

Yesterdays post was hard to write and hard to read afterwards. I have been in such a dark place for some time. Last night I was so angry at my husbands daughter, the things I said to him were SO angry! I'm tired of my heart being so cold and I don't want to have those demons inside my heart anymore. I am not pleased with alot of people in my life both online & in reality, but I can't live like this anymore. I need to REPENT. I need to find God the way I used to and have FAITH again.

Today is a new day for me because of this preacher's sermon. There is a part 1 but this part is what sunk in. Someone brought me to him from a comment left on another post below and I am thankful.

"There’s only one way to learn Endurance…...and that's Enduring."