Saturday, July 21, 2012

Acceptance and Sadness all in ONE

WOW has it been a long time since I've visited BLOG, let alone blogged on my own page. Alot has happened in my life since my last post, hence me wanting to clear the air on where things are at this point in my life.

First off, the big blow that I need to share is that I'm done trying. I have 'forced' myself to come to the conclussion that a child of my own is NOT going to happen. There's no money for donor egg, no time & simply put, my heart isn't the same. Harsh as it may seem, I'm convinced that this is what God has planned for me. All those years I fought people's words about how "God has other plans for you and maybe having a child is not one of them." Well, I believe it now. I've given up.

I know alot of you out there who use to follow my blog and were with me in groups on TWW encouraging me might think "No way....after all she's been through, she has not given up." But you're wrong. My heart is Moot....numb....broken. My desires and energy for TTC have sadly died. Everyone I've met on this journey have had their child(ren) and have moved on with life, which is what happens. What more can they say or do for me? I understand. I truly, heartedly, appreciate all their love and lifting words and gestures they've given me over the years, but this chapter has ended.

Tom and I completed an 8 week Adoption program with the State of Maryland that was in May and June, but I don't have the energy to go any further. My heart.....well....I'm not in the right place anymore or feel I'm not deserving of Motherhood anymore. Sometimes you have to 'suck it up' and move the f on whether it be what you want to do or not. Period. The Home Study package is still sitting in a bag on the dining room table. I've never looked at it. So that evidence my heart isn't there anymore. I've hit rock bottom on this journey. I don't know where I belong on this planet, so I adopt furbabies. They make me smile.

On April 11, 2012, I lost my fur baby-boy Gizmo. He passed away in my arms at 8:45pm that night and it shook my world. He was my little man. We shared almost 14 memorable years (he would have been 14 on May 15, 2012) together. He was ALWAYS there for me and I for him. He was my buddy and I've lost him and a HUGE part of me with him. My heart is not on the mend, it is broken with an unreparable scar.

My life in a Nutshell......WORK. That's all I do, 3 jobs, with an occassional 'out to dinner with friends', which now a days, are few and far between for me.

I haven't seen my grandbaby Raegan in months and that encounter was solely due to her being at Tom's Moms house visiting back in April. Otherwise, to lay it straight, she has not been at our house since June 16, 2011. Yes, you read correctly, 2011. It's been over a year and there's no change on the horizon any time soon. Step daughter still does not speak to neither her father or myself. No Merry Christmas' or Happy Birthdays. That relationship on any level is no more. Tom's Mom tells us that Raegan asks about us almost everytime she's there. She asks if Nana & Pop-pop are coming over and of course she tells her "No, they're working." Guess telling a 3 1/2 year old that her Mother is the blame of her not seeing her Nana & Pop-pop is unacceptable, but what the Mother is doing to the child is okay. Not too pleased with my MIL these days. What started off as a situation with her and my step daughter and us helping that situation, has put us here, but my MIL still gets to see Raegan and all is honky dory there..... ironic isn't it? I've lost respect there that's for sure. Another relationship I feel no effort to even try to work on. I do speak to her and touch base every once in a while, but I can not forgive her for where she's let this go when it all started with helping her out with my step daughter. Oh well, another dead end.

My Mom turns 85 this October. No doubt I am blessed to still have her in my life, but to live 600 miles away and see her 1 or 2 a year isn't settling very well with me as each passing year goes by. The 12 years I've been living (wasting) in Maryland, with Tom's selfish, disfunctional family PISSES me OFF!!! It seemed so easy to leave Upstate NY when I moved here back in October 1999, but it seems so hard to move back to be near the family and friends that love and miss me. Where I should be so that the hurtful 'stings' that this life have brought me don't hurt so much or I can share with those who care.

IRS came knocking this year when we got our taxes done. Guess not enough was taken out and business was good last year that it took us off guard and $6500 was owed. We paid some when taxes were due, but $4100 is the balance owed by Aug 6. This unfortunate situation has dampered my trip home as we are struggling enough to get that out of the way. Go figure, this year business is dead. Busy season, as Tom and I always put it (starting in May and ending by Oct-Nov) never came and here we are July 21. Very scary. 2012 sucks, but then again, since December 26, 2009, my life sucks.

I know this might be a depressing post for you all, but this is where I'm at and it was time I expressed and shared as a form of 'letting it out' and maybe saying it 'out loud' for myself as well. Do I feel better? not really, but as I used to say "It is what it is."


WSU505 said...

So sorry to hear you are done trying. I've followed you fir years now and you are one who is always on my mind. Also sorry to hear about your fur baby. They become part of the family and I know how hard it is to lose one. Hugs

Lorrie S said...

Thank you Sara. That part of my heart that is broken due to never having a child to call my own will never mend.

Tracey said...

Lorrie, I just read this post and I can't stop crying. I remember a time not so long ago, but in reality I know it has been, when we laughed and shared it all...poured our hearts out, the good, the bad, the ugly, etc. After reading this post, I blame myself for lacking in the friendship arena and for allowing life to get in the way of me keeping in touch like I've wanted to, like I've meant to do. True, you have ALWAYS been in my heart and prayers, but I know that keeping you close in thought is not the same as keeping you close in conversation and connection. Sometimes I feel guilty that my being busy is because of taking care of my boys. How I wish that you can have the same type of busy. My heart aches with how much I desire that for you. I cannot get my mind around the idea of you never being a mom...that you have finally gotten to the point of giving up. What can I say? What can I do? The loss of such a dream is a very sad makes the angels weep instead of sing :0(

I Love You!

Lorrie S said...

Tracey, I too cried reading yours. I won't lie, I have missed our conversations and closeness tramendously for quite sometime now, but I have accepted the fact that you are busy with your life and life goes on. I even thought about the other girls in our old group (even the ones who betrayed me that don't know I know) and miss those days when I was part of the TTC world with them. I guess leaving the group when I did on FB was the best thing for me.

This 'givig up' is a very, very sad process for me to go through. To really admit and accept to myself that this is not meant to be. It TRULY is NOT meant to be for me, because in all reality, the Lord would of allowed it to happen before now.

I can only hope and pray that when my day comes to meet Him, He will explain why His plan for me was not to have a child and experience the Miracle that is written in the Bible. To try and understand why that in His 'creation' of Women, I was not included in the phrase "go forth and mulitply" as He has blessed and designed our bodies to do.

At this point on this dead end journey, is what I desire to know.

Love & Miss you always,


Jenn said...

I, too, have followed your journey. I am sad for you but I think you have come to the right decision. I work with children in all kinds of terrible situations. You may never know why it wasn't in the plan for you to experience pregnancy and birth but it doesn't mean that it isn't in the plan for you to be a mommy. Your place in the world may just be to rescue a child from something horrific and give him a loving home. I know you have so much love to give. Don't let that love go to waste. Do not discount the idea of adopting a little one from foster care who needs you. My good friend adopted a 3 yr old from foster care recently and the social worker told her that they had shuffled this little girl from foster to foster so she wouldnt get too attached. That broke my heart. These kids need you and the love you can provide. Just my thoughts...

Lorrie S said...

Thank you Jenn.

God will lead me to where I need to go on this journey. This is all I can feel at this point.


Lorrie, I am so very sorry for your pain. I think about you often. It hurts me knowing how you are hurting. You are such an amazing lady. My heart aches reading this. I pray for you and hope if you ever feel up to it you will text me or email. I have really missed talking to you. Love you, Audrey