DAY 3 update!

Well my FSH today was 7 :-0 YEP 7!!!!!!! Can you believe it??? I'm a month away from turning 45 years old!

I was also surprised that I already had 5 follicles showing on my left ovary and 3 on my right. I don't recall having that many (ever?) on DAY 3, but then again I could be wrong. I remember things being really quiet at this time. IDK. I'm not use to cycling anymore so who knows. Everything was normal she said.

I told the nurse that I know I have plenty of reserve, but she said that she's had 28 year olds come through there and have high FSH and it's not all that cycling is about. She then went on to say that she needed to get 3 more tests from me today, but didn't know I was coming in. So she asked me to come in tomorrow and was worried that I was DAY 4 today. I made the mistake when I called to schedule my DAY 3 not to ask for her personally as she would of known to add those 3 other tests to my b/w draw. So it's another early morning tomorrow. I asked her what these were for and she said its to know my ovarian function & how I would stimulate. I thought that was odd after having done 4 IVF's with them that they wouldn't see I respond VERY WELL. Oh well, it's a New Year. Time to look at things NEW and from scratch. Maybe my miracle will happen and they will let me cycle with my own eggs. I will AGAIN say that I truly believe Royal Jelly is a great thing to take. I think it helps.

I'll kup as to tomorrow's results.

The Moment of Truth on Thursday

AF arrived today, so this is DAY 1. I called the RE's office and scheduled my DAY 3 bloodwork as requested by my RE. Praying my 'numbers' knock them off their feet and they stop looking at me like a 'statistic' and maybe this 44-45 year old woman has alot left in her to go ahead for round 6!!! Praying for that GOLDEN EGG!

Not sure how 'fast' the Board of RE's will give me an answer as to proceeding with my own eggs or not. I hope not too long. If they approve of me doing IVF with my own eggs I hope to be getting things rolling with next months AF.

Come on ROYAL JELLY.....show them what I've been believing for soooo long! That you do help with this 'old' lady's eggies!

I will say, when I got pregnant back in December 2009, having made it to a 5 day transfer of 3 embryos, I chalked up the success due to having taken Royal Jelly. I started taking them once again at the end of October 2011 knowing in the New Year I would be doing IVF. HOPING.......

As soon as I know something, I'll share.

God Bless

Lorrie

New Job with IVF COVERAGE! A waste......

Tom and went for our consult with the RE at Shady Grove on 12-23-11 with excitement & relief that we finally had another 3 tries (knowing these would be our last) to bring home our miracle in 2012. But much to our surprise he declined to take me on with my own eggs. He said he could not sleep with a clear conscious if he did. He thinks my time is up with my own eggs. He said that that's his opinion from his heart. He offered to present it to the board of RE's (over 40 of them he said) at the clinic and he will not vote on it and let them do so after he gets my Day 3 numbers with my next period in January. He knows the board will want to know my numbers before they say yah or nae to see how my ovaries are functioning & my reserve.

I won't lie, I sat back in my chair is dismay. I couldn't believe I was finally back with coverage, including meds this time and the unimaginable has happened. Of course he encouraged me to go the donor egg route which by all means, if I had $29,000 I would do it in a heartbeat!!!! So he offered to take $2000 off and have me apply for something they call 'Shared Help' where you can receive an additional 10-30% off treatment if we qualify. That would help a whole lot if we were to get 30% off we'd probably be looking at around $19,000 for the shared risk program (1:3). That is 6 attempts for that price and if you don't bring a baby home you get your money back.

That's all fine and dandy. Again, I would JUMP ON IT IN A NEW YORK MINUTE if I could get a loan. The sad thing is in the 'real' world you can easily get a car loan no sweat, but go into a bank for a personal loan to have a baby, and that won't happen. Like Tom said, "When there's no collateral, what are they going to do....take the baby if you don't pay???" of course he was acting like a smart @ss about the whole thing, but it's disheartening for him too.

So I guess the plan right now is to get January's Day 3 blood work done to see what my 'numbers' are and go from there with the board’s decision. In the meantime, I’ll work on applying for the shared help and applying at the Fertility Finance place too. Not too hopeful there as we were previously denied a few years ago.

I can't say that I'm feeling sad, not sure why. Maybe deep down inside I know my Faith will prevail. When the world crashes down on you, I never stop praying and talking to God, because no matter what, it was never about them. In the end it's God who leads me to the right moment, opportunites and blessings.

I'll kuap.

God Bless.

Positive change isn’t a matter of the will. Rather, it’s a matter of being willing to do whatever it takes. When I am not willing, no matter how much I say I want to change, it will not happen. I am only playing a word game, and everyone understands what I am saying.

The difference between the will and being willing is great. Making my dreams come true doesn’t require an iron will. I don’t need an indomitable spirit before I start the journey. I don’t need to spend years pumping myself up in preparation for the moment that will takes over, sweeps me off my feet, and carries me to total victory. That is a fairy tale of the will. No one has a mountain of will that sweeps away all opposition.

I don’t need a massive will to succeed. I do need a willingness to do whatever is required to make my dreams happen. Although I don’t have an iron will, I do have a willingness to work around, go through, over, or under whatever obstacles get in the way. This is a quiet willingness. Eloquent speeches of dramatic resolve aren’t part of the script. I simply get on with the business of living my dreams. Every day I focus on my purpose and act on my plan, because I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my dreams come true.

Remembering my Angel...

It hurts my heart to no end to have had the chance to finally see a little baby growing inside of me and heartbeat to have him/her taken away from me shy of 7 weeks.

December 26, 2009 ~ RIP my little angel - I will see you again one day.


Representative Gingrey from Georgia, spoke words that totally hit home for me:

Mr. Speaker, I think the importance of this resolution is to let people know that when couples have a miscarriage, it is a child. It might be for some people, well, it is just a miscarriage. They were only 6 weeks or they were only 9 weeks, and they did not even know whether it was a boy or girl. But in the minds of that couple in many instances it is their very first pregnancy, and they are already thinking about that little boy or the little girl and what the name is going to be and the clothes that they are going to pick out and the joys they are going to have sending that child to school and raising it and seeing it play sports and become an adult some day and contribute to our great society. We tend to forget that. And this was brought home to me pretty vividly recently when my daughter-in-law, pregnant with their first child, found out at 10 weeks that the baby did not have a heartbeat. And so that baby was lost. And she went on, of course, and miscarried. And that loss will be with them forever. And so I think it is just so important for us all to realize that when somebody, when you hear about somebody having a miscarriage, do not think, well, it was just a miscarriage, it is not like losing a child or an older child, which of course I do not know that anything compares to that. But this is a significant loss. And that is why this resolution today is so important.

Thanks to my dear friend Tracey for sharing the words from Representative Gingrey.

Joel Osteen ALWAYS changes my Black Cloud into Sunshine of HOPE

Let Those Doors Close
Posted by Joel Osteen on 10/7/2011

Years ago, I walked into a government building. There were two sets of double doors about 15 feet apart. They were both automatic doors. In order for the second set of doors to open, you had to let the first set of doors totally close. As long as I stayed near the first set of doors, the next set would not open. I had to go beyond a certain point to trigger the second set of doors. Really, it's the same way in life. You have to move beyond your past disappointments, move beyond your failures, and move beyond the hurt. You have to let those doors of the past totally close. There's nothing you can do about them anymore. You cannot change the past, but you can do something about the future. What's in front of you is more important than what is behind you.

Maybe you feel like life has knocked you down. The key is: don't stay down! Get back up again, dust yourself off, and move out of the way so those doors can close. If you can't find anybody to encourage you to take a step forward, you've got to learn to encourage yourself. Get up in the morning, put your shoulders back, and look in the mirror and say, "You know what, I've come too far to stop now. I may be knocked down, but I'm not knocked out. I'm going to get back up again. I know I'm a victor, not a victim." Keep yourself stirred up so you can see new doors begin to open. And I believe if you will have the right attitude, you will see more opportunity in your future than what you've lost in the past. This is a new day.

Today let me encourage you, God is a good God, and He has good things in store for your future. Don't camp out between the doors of the past and the doors of the future. Don't settle in the land of "good enough." Keep pressing. Keep believing. Keep moving forward. You've got great things on the inside you. You were not made to be average; you were made to excel! You were made to leave your mark on this generation. Choose to let go of the past, choose forgiveness, and choose to move forward through the open door of blessing God has right in front of you!

"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead" (Philippians 3:13b, NIV)

Well hello BLACK CLOUD, it's you again...

Lord, as soon as I get some shear inch of HOPE on this journey, that maybe, JUST maybe one day my dream of becoming a mother will finally come true, BAM! Black cloud is back!

The 'baby fund' as I called it sometime ago that we have aside and trying to add to it as we go along is being compremised. My husbands work truck had some major issues and needs some pretty expensive repairs, $3000+ in repairs to be exact!!! It's enevitable not to touch our funds for this because reality is that without a work truck, there's no work. So here we are again and again I ask myself the same questions to God....

Is this a sign? Is the path to Motherhood not in store for me?

My age is such a disheartening reminder that time is going by and turning 45 in Feb 2012 is not far away. It saddens me to no end at the thought that I am back to square one from what seems like over 5 years ago, but at least I was 5 years younger. We didn't know what we were going to do to make this baby dream happen. Then things fell into place, we did a fundraiser and cycled, then insurance coverage came to us by some miracle and cycled 3 times more, had our blessing but lost it. Now I feel helpless. At our wits end really....

I guess it's back to wishful thinking and lottery tickets...