Another day.....

I needed a day to regroup and get my thoughts and anger incheck. I'm doing somewhat better today. It's very hurtful, stressful & disappointing to say the least as to how my RE stated his non-treatment fact to me, but he has his opinion on the 'age' thing and I have to except how things are at this point. Now I have my own opinion as well and have the right to say that it wasn't right of him to have me do these tests if in reality he never had any intentions of treating me. That's how I see it anyway. I know some have said to me "find another RE" and that's all well, and finding another RE is not impossible, but not feasible as other clinics are too far up the road to even consider.

With this said, I'm moving on to donor eggs, somehow, someway. I've already contacted CNY, who I was already dealing with sometime ago and am now on a waiting list for 3 donors that we chose. Yes in a matter of 2 days since my disappointing news, I've applied for a loan (which we were denied of course), applied for a discount with Shady Grove for the Shared Risk donor egg program and contacted CNY and chose donors and are now on a waiting list. I was surprised I could still log-in to the site to look at the donors, I was happy about that. This may take some months to get to, but I'm okay with that. I need all necessary testing out of the way in the meantime and to get some money saved. I thought I might do another fundraiser, but honestly I'm not sure I have that fire in me anymore or want to bother people with my unfortunate situation. I told DH that I'm tired of going into debt for material things that he wants or feels 'we' need. I want a baby, PERIOD. That's the ONLY thing I want to refer to when we talk of money. He knows I'm done and this with my RE was the straw that broke the camels back.

Follow-up Consult.....

Not only was he very late with calling me, an hour to be exact, when he did, he acted like it was I who wanted to speak with him. I've only been waiting for 2 weeks for an update after my AMH results. The nerve. He asked me "What questions did I have for him?" HUH???? :o WTF???

I started the convo and asked him what my AMH numbers were and all. He said that my AMH came back satisfactory and that my FSH was 7 and something else came back 7 as well (can't remember the name of it) and he said that he was VERY surprised at my results, but that he spoke with other RE's and they said they still don't feel he should treat me either. Success rate is almost 0 (1%) at my age. So it's No he said. I said "well I want to do this, why can't you do this because the patient wants it?" He said "Listen, it's not a do or die situation, this is fertility treatments, and I can't. You have reached the end of your road with your own eggs." I then said "well I can't touch the donor egg program at this point." He replied "I understand and I'm sorry about that."

So as I felt myself ready to burst into tears I started to end the call with Okay then and he said "Sorry again Lorraine. If you ever want to do donor egg, I can help you then. You take care." and that was it.

I just can't believe my numbers are good and statistics take over. I'm gutted.I can't stop crying. I can't believe I found this job with great IVF insurance, my AMH numbers were remarkably surprising and it's NO.

What am I here on earth for anymore???