Another day.....

I needed a day to regroup and get my thoughts and anger incheck. I'm doing somewhat better today. It's very hurtful, stressful & disappointing to say the least as to how my RE stated his non-treatment fact to me, but he has his opinion on the 'age' thing and I have to except how things are at this point. Now I have my own opinion as well and have the right to say that it wasn't right of him to have me do these tests if in reality he never had any intentions of treating me. That's how I see it anyway. I know some have said to me "find another RE" and that's all well, and finding another RE is not impossible, but not feasible as other clinics are too far up the road to even consider.

With this said, I'm moving on to donor eggs, somehow, someway. I've already contacted CNY, who I was already dealing with sometime ago and am now on a waiting list for 3 donors that we chose. Yes in a matter of 2 days since my disappointing news, I've applied for a loan (which we were denied of course), applied for a discount with Shady Grove for the Shared Risk donor egg program and contacted CNY and chose donors and are now on a waiting list. I was surprised I could still log-in to the site to look at the donors, I was happy about that. This may take some months to get to, but I'm okay with that. I need all necessary testing out of the way in the meantime and to get some money saved. I thought I might do another fundraiser, but honestly I'm not sure I have that fire in me anymore or want to bother people with my unfortunate situation. I told DH that I'm tired of going into debt for material things that he wants or feels 'we' need. I want a baby, PERIOD. That's the ONLY thing I want to refer to when we talk of money. He knows I'm done and this with my RE was the straw that broke the camels back.

Follow-up Consult.....

Not only was he very late with calling me, an hour to be exact, when he did, he acted like it was I who wanted to speak with him. I've only been waiting for 2 weeks for an update after my AMH results. The nerve. He asked me "What questions did I have for him?" HUH???? :o WTF???

I started the convo and asked him what my AMH numbers were and all. He said that my AMH came back satisfactory and that my FSH was 7 and something else came back 7 as well (can't remember the name of it) and he said that he was VERY surprised at my results, but that he spoke with other RE's and they said they still don't feel he should treat me either. Success rate is almost 0 (1%) at my age. So it's No he said. I said "well I want to do this, why can't you do this because the patient wants it?" He said "Listen, it's not a do or die situation, this is fertility treatments, and I can't. You have reached the end of your road with your own eggs." I then said "well I can't touch the donor egg program at this point." He replied "I understand and I'm sorry about that."

So as I felt myself ready to burst into tears I started to end the call with Okay then and he said "Sorry again Lorraine. If you ever want to do donor egg, I can help you then. You take care." and that was it.

I just can't believe my numbers are good and statistics take over. I'm gutted.I can't stop crying. I can't believe I found this job with great IVF insurance, my AMH numbers were remarkably surprising and it's NO.

What am I here on earth for anymore???

DAY 3 update!

Well my FSH today was 7 :-0 YEP 7!!!!!!! Can you believe it??? I'm a month away from turning 45 years old!

I was also surprised that I already had 5 follicles showing on my left ovary and 3 on my right. I don't recall having that many (ever?) on DAY 3, but then again I could be wrong. I remember things being really quiet at this time. IDK. I'm not use to cycling anymore so who knows. Everything was normal she said.

I told the nurse that I know I have plenty of reserve, but she said that she's had 28 year olds come through there and have high FSH and it's not all that cycling is about. She then went on to say that she needed to get 3 more tests from me today, but didn't know I was coming in. So she asked me to come in tomorrow and was worried that I was DAY 4 today. I made the mistake when I called to schedule my DAY 3 not to ask for her personally as she would of known to add those 3 other tests to my b/w draw. So it's another early morning tomorrow. I asked her what these were for and she said its to know my ovarian function & how I would stimulate. I thought that was odd after having done 4 IVF's with them that they wouldn't see I respond VERY WELL. Oh well, it's a New Year. Time to look at things NEW and from scratch. Maybe my miracle will happen and they will let me cycle with my own eggs. I will AGAIN say that I truly believe Royal Jelly is a great thing to take. I think it helps.

I'll kup as to tomorrow's results.

The Moment of Truth on Thursday

AF arrived today, so this is DAY 1. I called the RE's office and scheduled my DAY 3 bloodwork as requested by my RE. Praying my 'numbers' knock them off their feet and they stop looking at me like a 'statistic' and maybe this 44-45 year old woman has alot left in her to go ahead for round 6!!! Praying for that GOLDEN EGG!

Not sure how 'fast' the Board of RE's will give me an answer as to proceeding with my own eggs or not. I hope not too long. If they approve of me doing IVF with my own eggs I hope to be getting things rolling with next months AF.

Come on ROYAL JELLY.....show them what I've been believing for soooo long! That you do help with this 'old' lady's eggies!

I will say, when I got pregnant back in December 2009, having made it to a 5 day transfer of 3 embryos, I chalked up the success due to having taken Royal Jelly. I started taking them once again at the end of October 2011 knowing in the New Year I would be doing IVF. HOPING.......

As soon as I know something, I'll share.

God Bless

Lorrie

New Job with IVF COVERAGE! A waste......

Tom and went for our consult with the RE at Shady Grove on 12-23-11 with excitement & relief that we finally had another 3 tries (knowing these would be our last) to bring home our miracle in 2012. But much to our surprise he declined to take me on with my own eggs. He said he could not sleep with a clear conscious if he did. He thinks my time is up with my own eggs. He said that that's his opinion from his heart. He offered to present it to the board of RE's (over 40 of them he said) at the clinic and he will not vote on it and let them do so after he gets my Day 3 numbers with my next period in January. He knows the board will want to know my numbers before they say yah or nae to see how my ovaries are functioning & my reserve.

I won't lie, I sat back in my chair is dismay. I couldn't believe I was finally back with coverage, including meds this time and the unimaginable has happened. Of course he encouraged me to go the donor egg route which by all means, if I had $29,000 I would do it in a heartbeat!!!! So he offered to take $2000 off and have me apply for something they call 'Shared Help' where you can receive an additional 10-30% off treatment if we qualify. That would help a whole lot if we were to get 30% off we'd probably be looking at around $19,000 for the shared risk program (1:3). That is 6 attempts for that price and if you don't bring a baby home you get your money back.

That's all fine and dandy. Again, I would JUMP ON IT IN A NEW YORK MINUTE if I could get a loan. The sad thing is in the 'real' world you can easily get a car loan no sweat, but go into a bank for a personal loan to have a baby, and that won't happen. Like Tom said, "When there's no collateral, what are they going to do....take the baby if you don't pay???" of course he was acting like a smart @ss about the whole thing, but it's disheartening for him too.

So I guess the plan right now is to get January's Day 3 blood work done to see what my 'numbers' are and go from there with the board’s decision. In the meantime, I’ll work on applying for the shared help and applying at the Fertility Finance place too. Not too hopeful there as we were previously denied a few years ago.

I can't say that I'm feeling sad, not sure why. Maybe deep down inside I know my Faith will prevail. When the world crashes down on you, I never stop praying and talking to God, because no matter what, it was never about them. In the end it's God who leads me to the right moment, opportunites and blessings.

I'll kuap.

God Bless.

Positive change isn’t a matter of the will. Rather, it’s a matter of being willing to do whatever it takes. When I am not willing, no matter how much I say I want to change, it will not happen. I am only playing a word game, and everyone understands what I am saying.

The difference between the will and being willing is great. Making my dreams come true doesn’t require an iron will. I don’t need an indomitable spirit before I start the journey. I don’t need to spend years pumping myself up in preparation for the moment that will takes over, sweeps me off my feet, and carries me to total victory. That is a fairy tale of the will. No one has a mountain of will that sweeps away all opposition.

I don’t need a massive will to succeed. I do need a willingness to do whatever is required to make my dreams happen. Although I don’t have an iron will, I do have a willingness to work around, go through, over, or under whatever obstacles get in the way. This is a quiet willingness. Eloquent speeches of dramatic resolve aren’t part of the script. I simply get on with the business of living my dreams. Every day I focus on my purpose and act on my plan, because I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my dreams come true.

Remembering my Angel...

It hurts my heart to no end to have had the chance to finally see a little baby growing inside of me and heartbeat to have him/her taken away from me shy of 7 weeks.

December 26, 2009 ~ RIP my little angel - I will see you again one day.


Representative Gingrey from Georgia, spoke words that totally hit home for me:

Mr. Speaker, I think the importance of this resolution is to let people know that when couples have a miscarriage, it is a child. It might be for some people, well, it is just a miscarriage. They were only 6 weeks or they were only 9 weeks, and they did not even know whether it was a boy or girl. But in the minds of that couple in many instances it is their very first pregnancy, and they are already thinking about that little boy or the little girl and what the name is going to be and the clothes that they are going to pick out and the joys they are going to have sending that child to school and raising it and seeing it play sports and become an adult some day and contribute to our great society. We tend to forget that. And this was brought home to me pretty vividly recently when my daughter-in-law, pregnant with their first child, found out at 10 weeks that the baby did not have a heartbeat. And so that baby was lost. And she went on, of course, and miscarried. And that loss will be with them forever. And so I think it is just so important for us all to realize that when somebody, when you hear about somebody having a miscarriage, do not think, well, it was just a miscarriage, it is not like losing a child or an older child, which of course I do not know that anything compares to that. But this is a significant loss. And that is why this resolution today is so important.

Thanks to my dear friend Tracey for sharing the words from Representative Gingrey.