A simple update....

HI everyone. Sorry I haven't updated my blog since April, but I've just had trouble doing so. I don't even post that much on my pregnancy site that I've been part of for over 2 years.

To put it in a nutshell, I'm just doing my thing. LIFE. I've been trying to lose weight, 10lbs so far. It's a slow process and I know if I pushed myself harder it would come off alot quicker, but to tell you the truth, I don't feel like it.

I got some 'women issue' lately that have taken away my uplift to even TTC naturally. Not sure what it was YI or what! I'm really thinking it was a break down of all I went through. All the stress a person goes through like I have is bound to produce some kind of mess and it was surely a mess!! Pain, discomfort...you name it. I would cry everytime I would need to use the restroom. Things are getting alot better now, thank God.

Other than that I planned a vacation home (Montreal) for a week and 1/2. I'm excited about that. We'll leave July 21 and come back on August 1. My sister and BIL will be coming back with us and taking the train back home.

I'm contemplating starting BCP's in August instead of July and doing my IVF cycle at the beginning of September instead. I would hate to be in the midst of injections when my sister is here visiting, but I'll see when AF shows up in July and decide, well calculate how things will fall in August. If it don't interfere with their stay, then I'll start BCP's in July.

So that's about it. Simply enough of an update, but still an update.

Thanks for thinking of me.

God Bless.

xox

Heavenly Father, I give to You every area of my heart. I give You my questions, my disappointments, my doubts and fears. I choose to trade my sorrow for Your joy. I choose to press past my mountains so I can embrace the promises You have in store for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

August IVF

I have finally made up my mind and with this 'mind set' I can enjoy the rest of my summer and prepare my body and soul for IVF. We decided last night after talking to my sister (from Montreal) about vacations that we will probably be doing our final IVF attempt in August. I'm starting my DHEA and several supplements today, first to help with weight loss and also egg quality for 3 months from now as many suggest when preparing your body for IVF (at an older age). I really think I can relax now and just enjoy my summer and maybe find some peace within and also encouragement to look forward to trying again. Being in a better frame of mind by then.

Hubby and I will be going to Montreal for 7 days at the end of July this way I can see my Mom. My sister and BIL have 2 weeks vacation at the beginning of August, so they'll follow us back when we leave to come back home. They'll be staying for a week. Then my brother and his wife will be coming the 2nd week of August to stay. I think it will work out that we can do our cycle sometime in August, even if they're here, it's no big deal if I start stimming (injections) when they are here....as long as my egg retreival is not during that time. I will feel things out as time gets closer with AF(period) and all. At least I'm finally *wanting* to try again. For weeks now I have not had the desire to commit or even really embrace the thought.

No signs of AF(period) yet. It's not like I even know when she should be. I'm a bit confused on dates and when at this point with having cancelled IVF during stimming. And it's not like I can be pregnant because we haven't even done the 'duty' in so long. So with that said, again I wait for her arrival to get a general feel of timing in months ahead.

So that's my update. Thought I'd share as I haven't really been posting much.

God Bless.

Lorrie

Broken hearts do heal in time

I know I'm not posting much anymore. I thought about my blog today and thought I'd give an update.

As you all know since the 'meltdown' I put myself on a much needed break from all fertility treatments. I will say so far on this break, I've lost 8lbs and have more energy and just hate sitting around anymore. Before, my life was consumed with posting on blog, the pregnancy forum I've been a member for 2 years now & researching every aspect of IVF and symptoms, etc. This is a real treat for me. Don't get me wrong, I wish I was well and ready to embark on another cycle, but I know I need to find that place again before I do. I need to find peace within.

Many times my thoughts do get the best of me and I think of how far along I'd be right now (almost 21 weeks). There's this girl on the pregnancy site that got pregnant exactly when I did, infact we had the same due dates. I won't lie, seeing her ticker too often brings me to a place I don't like to be. It hurts. Not in anyway towards her, God no, but it's that 'reminder' that hurts. So I try to stay away and limit myself from that pain.

I have thought about my next cycle. Kind of pondering over when I *think* I will want to do it. I'm feeling July for some reason, but we'll see. I have till October 2010 to use my last approved IVF cycle, but I really don't want to wait that long to try again incase of complications as I've been through so many this year for some reason. A jinx maybe????? Who knows. Just bad timing I guess or better yet, God's way of telling me to take care of me and prepare my body for his blessing. I like to think so in that way.

I will KUP!

God Bless.

Lorrie

Emotional considerations after miscarriage

Miscarriage is the loss of baby during the earlier weeks of pregnancy and is something that affects many women, their partners (if there is one), older siblings, family and friends. Losing a baby through miscarriage is a heartbreaking experience, no matter how early in the pregnancy it happens, usually rousing deep feelings and emotional reactions.

This can add to a deeper dimension of loss and grief. Women bond with their baby as soon as they know they are pregnant, some even before this time while they are trying to conceive. After a miscarriage, many women feel that no one really understands what they are going through.

It can be of great help if you have close friends and relatives who understand your loss. It is amazing how many others will start to share with you their own experiences of miscarriage (even people who did not previously let you know this had happened for them). This can give you a sense of not being alone and a degree of hope if they have gone on to have a healthy baby. However, being told by others that "It wasn't meant to be.' or "You will have another baby soon.' is not really helpful. It also dismisses the importance of the child you have lost and fails to validate your grieving.

Going through the process of expressing and exploring your feelings doesn't alter the loss, but it can move the pain into some form of acceptance. When talking with women about past miscarriages (even several years later) it is not uncommon to see how painful and raw their sadness still is, especially if they were not given opportunities to openly deal with their grief at the time.

The reactions of caregivers at this time can leave a lasting impression. If the professionals you deal with are compassionate, sympathetic and caring, this can make the miscarriage experience much easier to bear. However, if your caregiver comes across as being very matter-of-fact and uncaring (perhaps they are busy and it is true they do deal with miscarriages all the time) this can increase your feelings of anger and resentment. For some women it is enough for them to make arrangements so they do not need to associate with them again in the future.

The final Meltdown

I'm here to say that I have hit rock bottom. Something I didn't know or want to except that I was still feeling. After yesterdays first ultra sound and blood work appt since starting injections on Sunday, it was by far the least encouraging appt yet. The cyst was still there, even though they said it was not doing anything but being a nusense, it still bothered me. The tech could hardly see any follicles in my ovaries, which was not normal for me. I've always had a great egg count.

With this said, I had a meltdown this morning. I mean bigtime. Right in Target. I was balling my eyes out, a complete mess. I've been having so many migraines and sinus issues for the past week that I am a walking basket case. Full of stress & overbearing emotions.

I just got off the phone with my nurse and let her know that I want and need a break. A mental and emotional break from it all. I cried so hard that my head is pounding profusely. Out of control. My body, heart and soul that is. I am truly somewhere not healthy. I am not over my miscarriage and all that came after it. I need time to heal and be ready for this journey (being my last approved cycle) in much better form.

The nurse told me that I need to talk to Darlene (the insurance lady for Shady Grove) and make sure that this will not count as my IVF cycle. She's seen it happen to another lady and it was devasting. I will be very very upset if they 'make' me do this cycle. I told her that we could say that the cyst is still an issue. It's not like I got to egg retreival or anything yet. So I'm waiting for her call, of course she wasn't in her office. Now something else to keep me on the edge. :(

My Dr called. He said he understands and went over somethings with me to make sure I wasn't beyond 'depressed' and maybe thinking of 'hurting myself' as many people think when they are beyond the breaking point. I'm depressed, I will admit that, but won't kill myself. I need time. Time heals all wounds they say, so I will do just that. Not think about IVF or TTC. Just enjoy some time away, take a few weekend trips and a week in VA Beach maybe in July. He reassured me that whatever amount they're charging me for the resent ultra sounds and blood work he will waive and NOT apply it to my resent start of this cycle. He said the deposit I already gave will be held for when I'm ready to come back to try again. I need to pamper myself and spend loving time with my husband. He's a good man he said and he needs to be there for you. He also told me that I have alot of strength and perseverence and will get through this. He shared with me that he and his wife suffered a miscarriage as well and it is very hard. He was very compassionate and warm.

With all that said, I will say, I am crushed. My heart is weighing heavy, but I know it was the right thing to do.

God Bless.

Lorrie

IT'S A 'GREEN LIGHT'!!!

I am happy to FINALLY announce that we have the 'OK' or as I put it 'THE GREEN LIGHT' to start our next (and final) IVF cycle! May God bless us with a healthy pregnancy and child.

I started my injections last night. Here's to the next 10-12 days! My heart, soul and body is READY!

Lord open my womb for the blessing I am about to receive. AMEN.

Cyst Update

Well the cyst was bigger on the u/s screen, but the call just came and my E2 is now 53 (it was 132 last Wednesday). The nurse told me that's why they don't go off the u/s measurements alone. They wait for the E2 results. So if I DARE to say, that's SOMEWHAT good news. I did tell the nurse that this was my LAST IVF attempt and I do not want to go forth if there's any chance of this not being my best cycle I could possible have and the cyst being the end factor of it, because Shady Grove WILL be doing another round for free. She said they will NOT start me if they don't feel everything is ok to do so. Well.....I know how things go sometimes and I want to make sure my VOICE is heard loud and clear on this matter. God knows how badly I want to get started, but after all I've been through I will hold off and even skip another month to make things perfect if I have to.

I have to take BCP tonight and tomorrow and go back Friday for a repeat to see where we're at.

I will KUP.

God Bless.