Racking my brain...

Since last Thursday night I've been sobbing, wondering what to do now. My heart still aches so much, I just wanted to move on from all this negative turn abouts and now I feel so alone. So hurt inside. My chest hurts. That must be because my heart is there and it's broken in 2.

I keep looking for other avenues and donor sites, but nothing gives me much hope. My good friend Tracey signed me up and paid the fee to become a member on this site called 'MiraclesWaiting'. It's where you can view embryo donors and receipients and hopefully you get a match. Most of them want 'open' donations. Meaning, they want to be involved in the childs life, like an 'Aunt'/'Uncle'. Not my thing. It's not like there's a boat load of them offering....the choices/matches are slim. :(

I called Shady Grove today asking about the Shared Risk Donor Egg program knowing that the cost would be way out of reach for us. God only knows what I was hoping to find out. :/ Sure enough it was $29,000. I even went as far as applying for a loan through Fertility Finance with no avail. Not surprised. God knows we couldn't afford a $700 a month loan payment on top of all the bills we have now! Yikes! WTH was I thinking to even apply for that amount of money. I guess I was waiting for someone to tell me "give it up Lorrie!" even though obviously those weren't the words that were told to me....but I still felt them.

I just feel so sad I'm in this place. I honestly wish I would of never had been offered the embryos. I hurt more now because of it. I never in a million years would of expected anything like that to happen to me, someone donating their embryos. It wasn't even a thought in my head till that day on May 14, 2010 when I got the email. I've been reading them all between the donor and I. Just torturing myself. I had such high hopes and it kept my spirits up after my last failed IVF cycle. I still can't believe this happened. I can't come to terms with it yet. I'm trying....but everyday just seems to be the same as the last. One blends right into the other. It feels like a bad dream.

Anyway, I keep telling myself that I need to find a new life I guess. Something else to move on to. Try and find happiness somehow??? Can't imagine my life without a child, but I'm going to have to face it, but how does someone do that after all this time? I can't seem to shake it.

I think I ought to get this out now and be done with it....

Many were unaware of this but here it is.

I was offered embryos months ago from a gorgeous, caring, loving couple that emailed me out of the blue to let me know they wanted us to have them. I was so touched and really shocked. I hadn't done my last IVF cycle yet. But after receiving such a email I thought this might be God's gift to us. This is really the route he wants me to go on. We did our last IVF cycle anyway, but knowing I had these precious gifts waiting if things didn't go well for us, was so comforting.

Last week I got a Reproductive Attorney and got things rolling. I just sent the contract info sheet by fax yesterday to get the drawing of the contract in motion.

On Monday, she gave birth to her beautiful twin boys. They were earlier than expected and one is struggling right now. They need care to get strong and grow. I got an email last night from her and she said they had a change of heart this week. Being very emotional from her babies being in the hospital and after giving birth as can be expected, the offer is no more. They are now not sure they don't want anymore children in the future and wish to keep their embryos.

I am crushed, hurt, numb, my eyes can not cry anymore due to the pain they feel. I walk around with my heart ripped out of my chest, but what can I do? Nothing. This is the end of my journey.

Take care and God Bless everyone.



Lorrie

I couldn't of said it any better.....

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I will count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

Update

Well here I am, on my FINAL IVF journey. Well with my own eggs that is. Now I wait to see if it worked. Not feeling like it did, but again it's very early in the game. Game??? Why would I even say that? I guess after so many years of this I don't know what to call it anymore.

Here are my stats from this cycle:

IVF #4
Egg Retrieval was 8/15 (13 eggs - 6 mature - 5 fertilized)
Egg Transfer was 8/18 a 3 day transfer. We transferred all 5 embies
Beta is on 9/2/10


Praying for my MIRACLE

Momma I'm comin HOME!!

Well folks we're heading out to Montreal in about an hour or so. I wanted to stop on my blog and tell you so, so you wouldn't think I wasn't 'updating' again for a long period of time lol.

I can't wait to see my family. I miss them all so much.

I'll be back in town on August 1st and starting stims once AF shows up probably around August 4th or so.

Ok well, I'm off!!!

Ciao!

God Bless.

Lorrie

Change in protocol!!

We still have a plan as my previous post indicates, but it's one with a new protocol! I got a call from my nurse last week stating that my RE wants me to do the Antagonist protocol. Which consist of NO BIRTH CONTROL! The sad part is I had just purchased the darn things a day prior to her phone call and they are a whopping $70!! :-0

With that said, I have a completely different med order which would be costing me over $1000 not including my meds for stimming in August. YIKES! Lord help me. So, I couldn't afford the Ganirelix shots from the pharmacy, so I got right on my search for donations or less expensive purchases of the stuff. So far I lucked out and need just 3 more. (RE order for 9 of them).

We're leaving this Sunday for 2 weeks to Montreal, Quebec to visit my family!! I'm so happy to FINALLY be going HOME <3 I will have to bring a few shots and patches with me as my protocol requires it towards the end of my vacation there. No big deal. I want to be ready to start my IVF process when I get back the first week of August versus having to do this part then and push the IVF cycle to September.

Well that's the updated news for me. I probably won't be around til August.

God Bless,

Lorrie

There's a plan in sight!! :)

Well I'm excited to announce that I just got the call. AF showed today and I called my RE's office to see if I should start BCP's with this cycle or wait til August. She said that my Dr wants me to take them for only 14 days. He doesn't want to surpress me as much this time around. So I was happy about that, but if I started them this week my ER and ET dates would fall at the end of this month & I can't do it, I'll be away in Montreal. So I'll be starting them with AF in August as originally planned. :) Why try to 'rush' things at this point. I've been on a break for 6 months now. One more month won't hurt. I kind of did a rough calculation and my ER and ET should fall the first week of September (hubby's b-day is Sept 6). I'm getting my mind set now!! Finally a plan in sight! :)